Stardate 2009.10. This is Captain James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Caught in an ion storm, we have been thrown off coordinates in a remote corner of the galaxy and are currently orbiting a M-class planet…
[Bridge of the Enterprise]
Spock: Captain, I have been able to get some information from the archives about this planet. It is in an Earth-like planet with an nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere called Yashrajton. In this planet, there is always bright sunshine, most of it consists of green fields with yellow flowers everywhere , happy people with nary a worry in sight sing and dance about, the dhol plays always, background dancers magically arrive every twenty minutes, one elaborate family function gives way to another, India and Pakistan exist as brothers and play cricket together for a cup called the “Aaman Cup”, the education system consist of Gurukuls where teachers instruct students in the ways of love, whenever people break into song (and that’s as often as a man with loose motion taking a dump) they sing in the voices of Sonu Nigam or Sunidhi Chauhan, there is a very limited set of names for people (Veer, Veera, Rohan, Rahul), everyone talks with exaggerated facial expressions and gestures, where a woman will be mistaken to be a man the moment she puts on a beard and a man will be rendered unrecognizable if he shaves off his mustache and most importantly, everything is lovey-dovey.
Kirk: Don’t they have days and nights here?
Spock: No they do not. They have shows. The same story repeats itself every show. Because this planet exists for one reason only—to make money. That is why the same thing is cycled and hashed over and over again. Sure seasons change—some times it is called “Mujse Dosti Karoge”, sometimes it is called “Veer Zara”, sometimes it is called “Dil Bole Hadippa” but the essential ingredients and the trappings remain the same. Because the Gods realize that the way to make money is to set your world in rural Punjab or in London. This is because the most lucrative market for Hindi movies happens to be expatriate Punjabis, in London and elsewhere and the Planet Gods are convinced that these people will buy a ticket as long as the story is set in Punjab and has lots of Punjabi thrown in. And of course many other brain-dead zombies wHo TyPe Lik Dis will flock to see such muck as long as there are cuteys like Shahrukh and sweeties like Shahid Kapoor.
Kirk: Sulu, do a magnification of the planet on the front screen.
Sulu: Yes Captain…
Kirk shrieks in pain.
Kirk: Oh my sweet heavens. What was that which just flashed before my eyes? Was that Harbhajan Singh in a bikini ?
Spock: No Captain. That was Rani Mukherjee playing cricket disguised as Harbhajan Singh.
Sulu: So this explains why Bhajji bowls like shit nowadays. It is actually a “doosra” person pretending to him.
Spock: In the story currently playing down on the surface, Veera or Rani Mukherjee is a girl who is the best cricketer in the village. But since girls cannot play in the Aaman Cup, she transforms herself into a gabdu jawaan Veer by wearing a beard and a turban and dropping an “e” from her name. No body of course notices, among other things, the feminine voice of the man “Veer”…..but then again
Sulu: Give it a break. Even Sachin has a rather feminine voice….so what does that prove?
Spock: [Raising an eyebrow]. Point taken. In any case, after Veera’s transformation what happens is a predictable cross between every other Yashraj movie and Chak De India and a whole lot of sermonizing and Punjabisms….
Kirk: Chak De India. I remember that movie. I like it. Whenever I reach the “final frontier” of some intergalatic babe I always tell her how her world is going to be rocked in the next seventy minutes by some Kirk lovin…
“Sattar minute. Sattar minute. Sattar minute hai tumhare paas. Shayad tumhare zindagi ke sabse khaas 70 minute.” [sidey grin] And you can bet that always has the effect
Uhura (murmuring): Sattar second is more like it…
Spock: Captain I am picking up strange readings from the planet surface. Seems like not everyone is humanoid there. My tricorder is off the scale..Is it a Klingon? Is it a Borg? Is it a Romulan? Is it a space insect? No it is Rakhi Sawant and she is also present there lending her class to the venture as well as Sherlyn Chopra —-two aliens who like “Dil Bole Hadippa” are made out of spare parts of other better products. There is Shaheed Kapoor also trying to do a bad imitation of Shahrukh Khan whether it be the song sequences or the Chak De India type tough coach parts.
Kirk: Let’s check the planet out. I think we should beam down. [To the com:] Scotty, prepare the transporter[throwing out the last words in William Shatner style]
Scott: Oye oye captain.
Kirk: Did I just hear that right? Doesnt Scott say “Aye aye captain”? What was that?
Suddenly a horrifying visage appears on the front screen.
Kirk screams: Battle stations. Man the phaser torpedoes. What in the balls of Orion is that?
Spock: Captain, that is the resident spirit of Yashrajton. I think it has taken command of the ship and its crew…. that’s why Scott was saying Oye Oye…
Kirk: Sulu, full power to the impulse thrusters.
Sulu: Oye shawa shawa. Balle Balle Captain. Tu to bada changa munda hai..
Kirk: Spock, that entity has taken over Sulu. Quick take over the helm.
Spock (face turning blue): Must c..o…n…t..r…o…l emotion. Must not…..Captain…universe mein kitni hai nafrate phir bhi dilon mai hai chahate…….Must not……Halle halle se hawa laagti hai…..No No I cannot be….Captain….
Kirk runs over to Spock. He shakes his shoulders as Spock doubles over. His painful face is replaced with serenity.
Kirk: Are you all right Mr. Spock?
Spock stands up, raises one leg and breaks into dance.
He then moves over to Uhura and says “Soni lagdi tainu soni lagdi”……
Immediately the bridge door opens and Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel run in with blue handkerchiefs in their hands singing “Hadippaaaa”…
Kirk sinks into his chair…
Sulu Sulu….warp factor 5 gaddi chak de…..