Welcome to Hawa Desi, the airlines which promises you “Hawa Hawa Khusboo Luta Dey” everywhere in the plane, totally Desi style.
We would like to extend a special warm welcome to any Hawa Desi executive, politician or administrative bigwig or his wife, daughter, son, son’s wife, daughter’s husband, their sons and daughters, their cousins and their transitive closure thereof, who might be traveling with us today “free of cost” —–remember yeh aap ka baap ka plane hai. If anyone of you havent been upgraded to business or first class yet, please get in touch with a member of the crew who will be happy to help you and polish your shoes so you so please.
For the rest of you paying customers, we have only one thing to say ” Work harder. Earn more. And get on another airliner next time you travel. Till you cant do that, you beggars might as well shut the eff up and stop whining.”
Finally also a welcome to our special guests in our “barely legal” special section—- the jump seat of the pilot and temporary crew seats [Link]; your kind consideration towards our purses is greatly appreciated.
Our pilot Captain Pay-Me More asks you to review the safety features of our ancient airliner in the front pocket of the seat in front of you. It contains prayers of various religions. In addition, he reminds you that in the event of an emergency, follow the stream of water that is leaking from the lavatories to find your nearest exits. He also asks you to mind the chewing gum on the left hand exit row —no that is not filth dear passengers but just the way the left wing is held in place. You are also asked to note that the aircraft you are currently in does not burn jet fuel but the money of taxpayers , crores of it every year, as it serves its national purpose of pandering to those in power. If any of you have a problem with that, you can take it up with the boss. I am sure you will get a sympathetic hearing.
Our cabin crew, trained in hospitality from prisons and sanatoriums nationwide all committed to our service ethic “God help them who help themselves”, will be happy to refuse you with a scowl on their face should you dare to ask for a blanket and will be even happier to twist your finger should you keep on pressing the “Help” button despite our best attempts to ignore you. If you have any connecting flight to catch, we recommend you buy a thick book at the next airport (preferably “War And Peace”) to act as both a pillow and time-pass as you stay stranded for days on end as we shall try our desperate least to re-route you. Finally if you were foolish enough to have checked in baggage with us all we can say is that this should serve as a lesson for next time to travel light—yes the luggage to “hawa ho gya”.
The in-flight entertainment on Hawa Desi is as usual unique and shall consist of Hawa”-s driven free-style punching, wrestling and biting between cabin crew and pilots once the plane is in the air bringing to the air the ambiance of a bar-room fight during Oktoberfest.
And now sit back (as much as those seats allow you to), get into a fetal position (that’s all the leg room you get) and enjoy the flight.
As best as you can.