Acharya Jagadish Bose sits in his lab with Sambhu, his old servant and assistant, standing nearby.
Acharya Bose [wry smile]: Well there are many things you do not know about me. Like this machine I have invented called a temperoscope that enables me to look into the future. And before you say anything, no I am not going to publish this anywhere nor even tell anyone about it.
Coming back to your question. Having looked into my temperoscope I have decided I dont really want future generations to know that I was responsible for the invention of the radio.
Sambhu: Why Babu?
Bose takes a machine and projects moving images on the wall.
Acharya Bose: In 2009, many years hence, a man called Himesh will make a movie called “Radio”, a movie i.e.a story in pictures and sound. It is of such tremendous aesthetic quality that I do not want my name, in any shape of form, to be traced back from this work of art. So when people hear dialogs like “main radio ke tarah chalne lagi jinka frequency garbar ho gya” and “main pyaar ka station lagata raha to nafrat ke gaane sunai dete” and “gaane khatam hote to negativity ke jingles shuru ho jaate hain” and lyrics like “Mann ka radio baajne de zyara” and turn around and ask “Yo dude, which cat invented this thing called the radio?” people can reply “Marconi” (and not Bose) and that bugger will get his just rewards.
Sambhu: Will people in 2009 speak like this?
Acharya Bose: Evidently. Or the powers-that-be behind the making of this “Movieee” write dialog like that under the impression that such moronic brutalization of the language, along with showing Facebook Walls and Tarantino-like “chapters”, makes ‘Radio’ contemporary and with-it. Yep. “Confidence ka spelling badalke ho gaye confusion”. “Kabhi senti kar de, kabhi mad bana de”. “Band jo baaje tera. Funda hain yeh life ka.”” Full-too attitude”. And of course my personal favorite: a person is referred to as a “genetic cocktail.”
Sambhu: So does this “Radio” have a story Babu?
Acharya Bose: The movie begins thusly. In 1979, a son is born in the back seat of the Ambassador, a tank-like car which even we today consider as old technology but which people in India will still use, right at the moment the radio announces the death of famous hockey player Dhyanchand——strongly hinting that the baby born, Vivaan (played by Himesh) is the re-incarnation of Dhyanchand.
Sambhu: In that he is a wooden wizard.
Acharya Bose: He then grows up to be a most famous Radio Jockey answering questions on air like “Whats the meaning of true love man?” By the way, what I am doing telling you the story? There is no story.
Sambhu: But did you not say a movieeee is a story in moving pictures and sound?
Acharya Bose: It is “movie”. Not movieee. And yes you are right. But a Himesh movie is not about a story or a plot. Which is why talking about it is useless. It has one basic law, the essential axiom that one must accept as an universal truth.
Namely Himesh is the most awesome man on the earth. Within the first few minutes of the movie, we are told his character drives the best of cars and he is “awaaz se famous”. Reporters thrust mics in his face wanting to know about his life. His ex-wife, who cannot forget him of course, tells him he sings well. Like his previous movies, “Radio” exists solely to establish this basic axiom to those people who still do not believe. Which is why most of the scenes are about two attractive women fighting over him, his ex-wife Pooja who made the cosmic mistake of leaving him and Shania played by Shenaz Treasurywallah…
Sambhu: Treasurywallah? The person who signs rupee notes saying I promise to pay the bearer the sum of Rupee one?
Acharya Bose (ignoring Sambhu’s impertinence): And which is why the visuals are all about Himesh looking slowly into the camera and staring into it while pouting. This I gather is supposedly a sensuous act which evidently emits high energy electromagnetic radiation that travel through walls and force outer orbital electrons of women to make quantum jumps in the process ionizing their hearts to create “Plasma Dil” (which very well might be the name of a Himesh movie in the future). The only break in this “stare at the camera and marvel at my awesomeness” pattern is when the dreamy quotient of the man is sought to be further amplified when he, with his multiple frequency oscillators implanted in his throat, lets loose what we are told is “singing” but I define as an electromagnetic boom, like solar flares, that emit radiation spanning the spectrum so powerful that men, birds, animals and ghosts stop in their track, the earth’s magnetic poles start shifting, planets deviate from their orbits and aliens in every sector of the universe interpret this as the earth’s declaration of war on creation.
Sambhu (scared): But Babu should you be then seeing the future like this? This guy’s singing seems to be serious very serious.
Acharya Bose: Well I use this for my experiments. Remember Aldous Huxley-sahab came and I demonstrated the crescograph and showed how plants react to pain and grow to pleasant music. Well I use this guy’s music and movies to observe the reaction of plants to extreme pain, many magnitudes higher than if they were wrenched out by their roots. I can tell you this Sambhu that not only did the plants scream like you would not believe when “Radio” ran in the same room as they were but strange effects are manifested—evergreen trees lost their leaves, branches got twisted and normal plants started eating insects. I will tell you that based on what I have seen I am really scared of the earth in 2010. So scared even I have not dared to see the great man’s next assault on English and civilization titled “A Love Isshtory” through the temperoscope.
Sambhu: I understand now Babu. I really do. Should I now make you afternoon tea?
Acharya Bose: U No Wat Sam. Make me some mocha frappachino. Just wanna baithe baithe chill for some time.
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