A Royal Pasting

It was somewhere around the fourteenth over that “Bad” Hodge walked up to Dada and said, ” This pitch is getting real slow. I think if I stick around till the end, we can get 135. That will be a winning score here.”

Dada, struggling himself like an old Dadu searching for his dentures in the dark, replied “What the eff are you saying? The opposition has already scored 168 runs. We are chasing, not setting a target. Don’t tell me that’s why you have been batting like this for so long.”

Hodge ran his hands through his graying hair. “Bloody hell, mate I think I am playing the wrong match. I must have forgotten my London ki goliyaan again. Uiii Maaaaa main kitna Baad hoon…”

It was that kind of a day. Dubbed as a kickboxing match between A K Hangal and Dev Anand, on the account of the weak firepowers of the respective teams, it ultimately became a heavy-weight boxing fixture between Mike Tyson and Laxman Sivaramakrishnan with Kolkata suffering yet another humiliating decimation at the hands of the second weakest team in the tournament.

Not that I had not seen it coming. The moment I heard that Rohan Gavaskar had been left behind in Kolkata to make mishti doi while Mortaza milked the cow and Ajantha Mendis held the back legs of the animal to prevent it from kicking, I knew KKR had made yet another gigantic mistake. Because while Ishant Sharma may have learnt the art of throwing from the paper-wallah (which is why he cannot hit the stumps even it is 5 mm from him), it was only Rohan Gavaskar who had learnt the art of appealing from the pallu-dropping starlet as he had held closed the eyes of everyone else. If that was not a glaring error, Agarkar was once again left on the bench and Shane Bhondu, who seems incapable of bowling a decent spell, was selected in his place.

Even in a mismatched game, the weaker team sometimes gets a few minutes when it dominates or has a decent chance of winning the match. In today’s match, the only time when KKR had a shot was the first ball of the game when Michael Lumb (rhymes with Dumb) fell to an exuberant Dinda . From the second ball onwards, it became all a one way street. The Rajasthan Royals, who have had trouble against every decent opposition in the tournament, went medieval on KKR’s ass on a pitch which was not even conducive to strokeplay. Once a score of 168 was reached, the game was effectively over since KKR’s band of geriatrics were obviously not going to be able to get to 169. Not that they really cared.

Hodge was his incomparable self. Manoj Tiwari exhibited less life than ND. Pujara sparkled for a while but he just doesnt have the T20 abilities of a Rayadu or a Saurabh Tiwari. Owais Shah looked like a kindergarten kid being given a differential equation to solve, so clueless and vacant was his face.

And Dada? What to say about him. Brandishing his bat like a blind Alok Nath shooing dogs, his batting was downright embarrassing. One could scarcely believe that it was the same man, who even in the last disastrous season of KKR, gave a command performance against RR bringing KKR so-close to a win. Today he could not get out even when he tried, struggling to find his feet like a cockroach turned over on its back and I for one was half-expecting Rohan Gavaskar to come and hold his hands over my eyes so that I dont have to watch the cringe-worthy display of batsmanship from someone I admire so much.

A gutless, spineless, “pantloon-ripping woh bhi peeche se angootha lagake” performance. The King’s Men are back in town.

41 thoughts on “A Royal Pasting

  1. “Dubbed as a kickboxing match between A K Hangal and Dev Anand” – And this is where the historic drubbing started – http://twitter.com/greatbong/status/10767674770 And this – http://twitter.com/greatbong/status/10768063993 – where the drubbing did

    “it was only Rohan Gavaskar who had learnt the art of appealing from the pallu-dropping starlet as he had held closed the eyes of everyone else” – I saw this coming, honestly! And in spite of being a SRK fan I loathe the ad and find humour in this joke!

    “Brandishing his bat like a blind Alok Nath shooing dogs, his batting was downright embarrassing.” – Respect the neutral manner of doling sarcasm even at your favourite player.

    “The King’s Men are back in town.” – I remember the time the Indian team used to have a motto for every tournament (the Wright-Ganguly days). Keeping that in mind KKR’s present campaign should be called Deja Vu 2008.

  2. I’ve been reading your posts with great interests of late. Got to say this one is one of the most tasteless posts ever. Honestly, if you always are judgemental about everyone, it weakens your opinions.

    Can’t your posts be a little more funny, a liitle more enlightening and a little less cynical?

  3. Like Dharav,I have been following your blog very keenly of late.I have also gone and read your older posts.Must admit this one is as insipid as KKR’s performance on the field.

  4. Great Post…was rooting for KKR this season, but as you said “The King’s Men are back in town.”

  5. Like the 2 people above, I have been following your blog very keenly off late. Unlike the 2, I have followed keenly your blog earlier too, and I have to say that is a really nice post. Your humor is rolling off like juice from a rosogolla.

    I look forward to such match reports after every KKR loss from now. 🙂

  6. Bond plays coz they paid such a bomb for them , so he automatically becomes better than somebody like Langelveldt. I would have expected same reasoning from Buchanan , but from Dada?? Oh wait, the Lord SRK is still there. That explains. Wonder whether DC will replace good-ol Vaas just coz big signing Roach has arrived

  7. I am yet to recover from the shock of yesterday’s match.. and the fact that my mom almost made dad and me go hungry after she refused to prepare dinner…

    May be because I have just finished your book, I am strongly reminded of a certain chapter after reading this post – is this Gunda-Loha humour a hangover from your recent lauch of MIHAYP?

  8. interesting post…somehow Alok Nath creeps in to most of your posts (not that I am complaining!)…

  9. “The Rajasthan Royals …..went medieval on KKR’s ass” – a fantastic tribute by Great Bong to one of my icons Quentin Tarantino. As KKR is grounded to “pulp”, Dada’s batting prowess is becoming a “fiction”.

  10. Read ur book….sorry to say but did not like it at all..

  11. was very saddening to see Dada floundering the way he was….
    a bit too harsh on Bond maybe? After all he does come with super fine pedigree, and even if he didn’t set the world on fire against Chennai, with his class and seeing the way Dale Steyn had dealt with Rajasthan earlier, most teams would have included Bond in their starting XI if he was available.

  12. Saurabh,

    Bond is past his best and he was pathetic in ICL. Raw pace does not work in T20. My man “Langto-field” is a far better bowler in these conditions. Steyn is in the peak of his form and even then he got carted by KKR.

  13. GB,

    u may follow the ‘IPL nights’ prog on MTV at 11pm daily – that wud perhaps provide u some more ammunition. the prog highlights how the players & their owners (along with bollywood representatives) revel & celebrate their victory / losses at the post-match parties. recently they showed how KKR celebrated their loss after the CSK match

  14. My god ehat on earth dada ganguly is thinking. they need 10 run an over and cheteswar pujara and ganguly is ahead of owais shah and angilo mathew. so far cheteswar has not clicked in an single match. if making 27 run in 23 ball is goog then god help KKR. And what one can say about Ganguly. First time in my life i am losing my confidence on him. this time it looks SRK given free hand to dada and look what is he doing. my god now i understand why he is ihe first one to thrown out of team india before dravid,kumble and laxman.

    greatest mystery of our time. when will ishant sharma learn to bowl a yorker.

  15. GB- You simply rock! I find your writing much funnier than even FIP’s…keep writing & keep rocking…

  16. I sat through the match after giving a horrible exam. you can well imagine my condition when I saw dada and hodge contemplating playing test cricket on a t20 match. useless!

  17. The only good spell for Kolkata in the match was Dinda bowling that over to Pathan.
    It was a pleasure hearing you from Arm’s length at Crossword,asking you questions and getting answers as well. Loved the free snacks there as well. 🙂

  18. Arnab-da,
    Bond may be past his peak, but he is still world class. In the only Test he played after his ICL return, he had match figures of 8/153 and was man of the match.
    In the ODI series that just got over against Australia he took 4/26 in the last ODI just before flying to India, and moreover was the 2nd highest wicket taker in the series and had the 2nd best economy rate (4.37). And all this against the world’s best ODI side.
    I agree that “Langto-field” is a superb T20 bowler, but I wouldn’t be able to fault any team selection that went with Bond.

  19. Don’t you think everything on IPL is getting too contrived to be true? Lalit Modi seems to be working diligently to fulfil his dream of making the IPL bigger and better than EPL, NFL….he has been openly asserting that there are no weak teams in IPL – meaning one cannot make any foregone conclusions about the result of any game – so conveniently raking the moolah day after day after day. How else can one explain Saurav’s lame surrender against hapless RR or even CSK bowing down in the super over in a match which was very much in their pocket? Perhaps that is how the astronomical valuations are reached on new franchises like Kochi!!!

  20. From the second ball onwards, it became all a one way street.

    Well, actually, from the third ball onwards. It may or may not have mattered, but I thought Fazal was very lucky (and Dinda not so) to escape the same fate as Lumb. Those were two crackerjack balls first up from Dinda. And then he was back to his normal self, imagining that he was Thommo bowling at 160 clicks.

    As for Tiwari, I was surprised Steyn and co didn’t make him pull. Apart from Hodge, the short ball should trouble everybody in this side. Steyn’s learnt his lesson since and was on fire against Mumbai. He still bowls a too many length balls, which is okay when you bowl express and get it to swing. As for the other Tiwari, as impressive as he is, Kumble showed him he’s got ways to go, as Kumble does.

  21. I think its time we hav the FAKEILPPLAYER again….the way KKR is playing

    “Brandishing his bat like a blind Alok Nath shooing dogs…………”

  22. And Dada? What to say about him. Brandishing his bat like a blind Alok Nath shooing dogs … wow!!!
    And hey yr book is amazing..Missed yr launch event…

  23. Indian Institute Of International Dreamers ? You removed that blog coz u got to add that in the book ??

  24. Ritwik – agree with you fully!

  25. Only 1 word stood out – You admire DADA??? Still???

  26. Unless Angelo Matthews bats up the order, I shudder to think what will happen to KKR today.

  27. I have to confess that your posts on IPL as more interesting than the match itself! Shane Bhondu! ha! ha! too good! thanks!

  28. Did you suggest that that should have picked Agarkar instead of Shane Bond?? Please clarify….and if you did, I suggest you join the KKR staff yourself…..i have a feeling you’ll fit right in!

  29. Dear Arnab,

    It was vintage greatbong.The paragraph on dada really had me in splits. I really admired the way he came back in the Indian team, but now, I think he should hang his boots.

  30. Dada is the greatest!!
    Believe me, he will play a great innings in the next match..
    i think you are pathetic to write such stuff about Dada…
    Hope you soon regret all the things you wrote about him…

  31. @GB,
    I found this on net. Maybe it will interest you.


  32. One of your better posts since book preparation and book launch…
    loved the references… it seems your demented mind is free to think now..
    keep’em coming…

  33. Absolutely hilarious from start to finish. Don’t worry about the negative feedback. I think Wodehouse is god and you are his apostle. You are without doubt one of the best writers I have read in a long time. You don’t just tickle my ribs, you lay them out and pickle them. As an aside, I am not sure if you are being sarcastic of Dada and SRK as a writer but I share the exact sentiments in real life. I think that Dada continuing as captain for more than a year ensured that India did not dominate world cricket much earlier.

  34. Man, you keep up the good work. I have been just laughing from the first word of this blog. You rock dude.

  35. Hi Arnab Da

    I think one of your post you mentioned its good that we didn’t let Agarkar play, now you are mentioning leaving him out of the team is one minor reason for KKR will be finishing again last.


  36. I think u r right Ganguly is d most overated player in the history of Cricket, but perpahs first even in kolkata people are kicking his ass he sud retire immidtly otaaa ekta aaapod, jekhane jabe shani laagabe, he cnt use player like BOND, Gayle he has forget to bat in three IPL he also scored in 3 matchs, when a captain does that how can team survive, IF DHONI or Sachin captained KKR it would hv won IPL I. He has the best team jsut tell which team has Gayle, Bond, Mccullan,Hassi,Hodge and even had Aktar even had the luxury two of worlds best couchs Buchanan and now Watmore and AKram, with SRK is the most popular team what better platform he want but still he cant perform. look at Sachin and DHOni what their form

    No wonder he has been kicked from indian team,Aamra Bangaleeder onek kichu aaache gorbo korar moto ai aaapod ta chara

  37. Again showed how Ganguli’s strategy was wrong for not picking Manjoj Tiwari for last two matches that caused heavily for KKR. I still don’t understand why he is not playing Laxmi who is hard hitter and genuine allrounder much better that black monkey Dinda, Dinda should kicked and slapped out of the team. He merely won matches for KKR and acts like he is some Waquar Yunus and for pathetic sloppy fielding no excuse is enough for this culprit.

    Previous matches Ganguly wasted too many balls in power play and also not taking singles and two’s which at the end caused crucial 20 runs shortage, for these factors I think KKR lost many matches in IPL1 and IPL2. Thought Ganguly scored 50 out of 40 still can’t say its excellent in that 20-20 format.
    To be honest I think SRK has given full authority to Ganguly this time, every best facilities has been given to him, from setting up camps all around the year so that Dada could pick players from all over the country.

    Honestly, saying KKR has by the far the best foreign players in their side, u cant ask for more when u have Gayle, who has highest 10 sixes in T-20 cricket and Mccullan still has the hightest 158 runs and record of 13 sixes which is hightest in any 20-20 format, David Hussy best Australian player in T-20 player, Oasis Shah is not bad either, Angelo Mathews and Mashraffi Murtaza are genuine all rounders, Bond genuine quick with line length, Dave Watmore worlds best coach, and what some one has to say when Wasim Akram is the bowling coach, and this time even Indian and local squad is strong also, Manoj, Dada, Laxmi, Kartik, Ishant cant ask more, its most balance side just need to apply themselves.

    They have world’s best physio is Leupus and with SRK brand easily KKR the most popular team and Jersy KKR wore really when u see those Golden glitter in pads and globes, halmet and Purple and playing for the biggest star in the country what else u need to be motivated, Just execute otherwise no excuses.

    Sotti boltey ki as everyone is going after Ganguly aar onek galagal dichche tokoni money hoi aur bododhoi hoi but I think he has to play more and steadily, amar money hoi Ishant k khelano uchit and defiantly Laxmi shud play, but money KKR jege uthechey after no one denying IPL’s heart is KKR even they lose it seems still people center of conversation is always KKR, such popular this team.

    To be truth KKR plays so poorly at times but no one denying it is also the most destructive team in IPL, I just hope this everybody loved Monster Team keeps its reputation, and yes Dada should retire but only after playing 6 IPLs just, I think its quite possible but he need to fit and mostly Gangu needs vocal tonic every now and then I think he will perform and just love to see monster Gayle and Hussy, Tiwari Mcculan hitting all over the path signs indicating money hoi ebar KKR aagun hoye uthbey and chai korbe ghumno Doitou jege uthchey sleeping gaint is rising slowly

  38. Ganguly shud b kicked this Blind and lame neithr sees the ball nor able to run KANA KHORA ta ekoni baad deua dorkar, a team is strong when its captian is strong how can a team win when its captain is the weakest point. HOw many excuses he cnt play no5 no 4 no3 and now even oppurtinity opening he even cant play here. people calls our Dada half batsman i think he is not even 1/4 of batsman out and out overated just see how Sachin is playing every match and for age jsut see Gilchrist and Hayden even Jaysuria played at his 40 age in IPL1 and 2.

    Ota thiki ekta aaapod

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