The Opening

If I was ever asked to host a Bollywood Awards night, here is how I would open it.

Welcome to the Hindi movie industry’s only publicly voted awards, the FilmEffs, as unique as the Bee Cine Awards, the Bar Screen Awards,  the India International “Who is the Brand Ambassador” Awards, the Producers Gold Awards and the What-the-fuck-is-this Awards where the public votes for the best of Bollywood, using the same electronic voting machines that installed the current government and the results tallied by the same accounting firm that handled the account of the great software giant, Mithyam.

Welcome to everyone who will win an award tonight. Welcome to everyone who will perform tonight. Put these two together, we have the entire audience. Since those who came to know (purely on the grapevine since our awards are kept in a lockbox) that they aren’t getting awarded suddenly developed “other engagements” and decided to cancel. To them I say “Get your own award show.”

I just can’t tell you what an honor it is to be hosting this show today. I look around me and I see an august gathering—-the Deols, the Khans, the Sinhas, the Sumans, the Bachchans, all of whom say that they took to acting because “it was in their blood”. And I realize that this hall has more gaddis occupied due to family connections, than even the Congress party.

Well, what a great year for Hindi movies 2010 has been.

Jhakass Kapoor, India’s “Man Grove” , the brand ambassador for our forests,   made us proud in Hollywood. Verily as the government has shown us, in matters of “One Two Ka Four, Four Two Ka One”, there is no country better than us.

Tees Mar Khan”, the biopic of Suresh Kalmadi was a big one this year. Pity that based on its collections, one could not even say “Sir U made lacs” to it. With it and other similar great movies like “Action Replay”, Khiladi Kumar  is now close to becoming what he should have been all his life—-a chef. On second thoughts, having seen his TV show, I doubt that too.

This year, Salman didnt kill any human or beast. But he did quote George Bernard Shaw in his movie “Veer” trying to explain why he is always shirtless—Clothes don’t make a man, man makes clothes.  Which I believe is a bigger crime.

Abhishek Bachchan did more to punish the good name of “Ravana” then Lord Ram could have ever imagined doing.

Bebo and Saif stayed together. So did John and Basu. And stay together they will, at the very least till the joint contracts they have signed for promotional appearances as a couple do not expire.

Hrithik Roshan made something that ensured that Yaadein won’t be his worst movie and Sanjay Leela Bhansali showed that one could do worse than Saawariyaan. Not that I thought I could ever feel for Aussie racists, but Emran Hashmi, in “Crook”, made me empathize even with them.

That’s the power of Bollywood.

It educates. Who knew that snakes might be reptiles but they have mammalian appendages? Who knew that people in the south of US still live, talk and dress like they used to in Uncle Tom’s Cabin and that acting means moving your head to one side and move to-and-fro on the other foot? Who knew that the female freedom fighters in Chattagram may have been caught without revolutionary literature but never without their make-up kits?

It makes us cry. Vivek Oberoi did it, in every scene of “Prince”, struggling to remember which of the three comely lasses throwing themselves at him is actually his girl-friend. In contrast to real life, where his girl-friends are only in his imagination.

It makes us laugh. Uday Chopra in “Pyar Impossible”. Sonam Kapoor on twitter trying to appear intellectual.

Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Priyanka will be performing—having seen the rehearsals I can assure you that for the Income Tax men, who gave her three seconds to open the door when she was in her night-clothes, got their money’s worth.  Sheela will also be showing off her jawaani. But you knew that didn’t you? An award show in India without an item from her is like a transaction in Pakistan without Zardari taking a cut.

Before I forget—-Girls, your tax deduction forms are backstage—-please don’t forget to sign them. Else poor Shahid Kapoor will have a heart attack, next time he is discovered in Priyanka’s flat. And poor Ranbir, still recovering from a bruise on his hands trying to slide down the pipe when the IT men burst into Sheela’s house, would also appreciate this basic decency I am sure. He had a very busy shuttle-cocking year, that we all know. So cut him slack, ya?

Some people call this the “Oscar night for India”. I disagree. To quote a great man, we here dare to go beyond the Oscars. Tell me sir, would the Oscars have the Best Actress dancing an item number—-can you imagine Helen Mirren being made to dance if she wants an Oscar? Can you think of Robert De Niro fighting backstage and calling an angry press-conference because Al Pacino won an award?  Can you imagine the award being taken away from Hillary Swank and given to Meryl Streep, just because maybe she is the brand ambassador of the event’s sponsors or because Hillary Swank came late to the show?Can you imagine Keanu Reeves winning The Best Actor Award every year? Can you imagine a movie like “Expendables” getting twelve nominations? No.

Because dear sirs and madams, our awards are not about excellence. They are about hope.

How else can Rampal get nominated for an acting award? Tell me……

And now I give you Yana Gupta, performing her own rendition of “Jhalak Dikhla Ja” followed by the Music Awards section of the night, sponsored by Canon photocopiers.

Let the ass-kissing and back-patting begin.

And oh if you are looking for back-kissing and ass-patting, there is the after-party for that.

48 thoughts on “The Opening

  1. How could you know what all I think about the award ceremonies?? 😀

    Rocking post!!

  2. RTA : Right to Awards.

    Every star son/daughter/cousin will get some consolation award to take home so that no one can feel jealous and do back bitching.

    In the conclusion, Bollywood Award Ceremonies are all about loving your sponsors and stars. Just attendance in the ceremony is enough for getting award.

  3. Super! Would really love to see you as a host at film award ceremony someday!

  4. ha ha .. ROFLMAO … that was too good esp Yana Gupta’s “Jhalak Dikhla ja”. However I know we are obsessed with Oscar as the rest of the world for the pomp and grandeur associated with it. They are best and most advanced movie industry in the world agreed. But to argue that people performing dance numbers on the stage is not becoming of a star of good acting caliber is incorrect.

    Out movies are based on different format, dance and song and if possible some story (ok that was sarcasm). So these differences in treatment of movies, awards and related events will definitely occur. I don’t think anywhr in the world ppl make a career out of mimicry. So we have different way of treating movies and movie stars.

    Nevertheless, apart from such small filler arguments, I never watch award ceremonies. Now every zardawala, gutakawala, chaddhiwala is able to host a ceremony. Thr is too many of them and too much s**t in them. Can’t handle.

  5. Spot on!

  6. >>How else can Rampal get nominated for an acting award?
    You forgot him winning National Award for supporting actor for Rock On?
    SRK does go all out for his friends

  7. Film UNfare awards are on expected lines. Karan(hurrican katrina)johar won best directer award. i hope even black lady(filmfare trophy)will refuse to go with him> Karan don’t deserve an award or a lady.

  8. Lovely and funny as usual. A minor correction – sorry to be nitpicking, but snakes (and other reptiles) do have a backbone. 🙂

  9. dude…boring it was….u r getting repetitive and predictible in ur jokes/humor/satire

  10. “Can you imagine Keanu Reeves winning The Best Actor Award every year?”. I like this line 😀
    Just before reading this post, my wife and I were discussing the ridiculousness of SRK winning best actor for MNIK….

  11. “Khiladi Kumar is now close to becoming what he should have been all his life—-a chef. On second thoughts, having seen his TV show, I doubt that too.” … I do not think anyone else could have summarized about KK better. Good Post as usual.

  12. HAHA. Was just watchin Devgan slam film awards and now this!! Total timepass

  13. Yes, it’s a day they congratulate each other for the excellent work they have done attending promotional events on TV over the past year.

  14. very good post.Keep writing more.
    why dont they give award to Kanti shah and devanand?!?!?!?

  15. I was dreading that MNIK is going to scoop all the main awards, and I was right. sigh. Kajol screaming every few minutes was like chalk screeching on board. I’d take SRK in a DDLJ type ‘ghisa pita’ role over this crap. This movie made me gag. The awards are really going to the dogs.
    I wonder if people said the same thing about AB when he won all those awards back in the 70s? JUST CURIOUS, nothing personal against Bacchan or for SRK. Before people pounce on this statement of mine 🙂

  16. sheeeiilllaaaaa, sheila ki bemaaani… i’m too corrupt for yoooou, tere haath tax na aiyeee.

  17. @GB,
    ROFLMAO!!!Very good.
    I am not trying to nitpick here, but this one caught my eye:

    Abhishek Bachchan did more to punish the good name of “Ravana” then Lord Ram could have ever imagined doing.

    Do you mean “than” instead of “then”?

  18. ROFL ROFL… OMg that was hillarious 😀
    loved your take on indian awards ceremony 😀

  19. The cornucopia of awards organizations are doing their damn best to prove Aamir Khan right.

  20. @GB
    did you call SRK the Keanu Reeves of Bollywood? I am no fan of SRK but he is not so bad to be in the league of Keanu Reeves. Just my opinion.

  21. haha.. Keeanu Reeves = SRK. Btw, have you watched MNIK? Or just concluded it surely must be bad, just like I did.

  22. Agree somewhat with Savita BhabhiI think u can push up the sarcasm a notch or two higher. Go it, dude!

  23. how do you know the same things do not happen at the Oscars?

  24. very good arnabda.i thought u launch some book>>>>>>>>>>which is like may i hebbb………….

  25. Articles like these give me hope that someday we(Indians) will have the courage to see and say the things the way they are. Thanks Greatbong.

  26. how long we shall keep cursing movie awards in india?..can we not start our own awards given to deserving films regardless of box office collections or may be even language?

  27. Amazing humour. This is essentially the kind of article I love reading – humourous, funny, but at the same time bitingly satirical. Your piece on Bolly awards shows is a terrific example of why, despite the various flaws we try finding with the Oscars, it still remains miles out of reach of our Filmfare festivals.

    I love cinema, which you would know if you manage to have a peek into my blog, and so I found that much more satisfaction going through this piece.

    If there’s one thing I admire even more than your humour-quotient, that would have to be how much you enjoy in being politically incorrect. In fact, “political incorrectness” is essentially the phrase I use when I introduce my friends to your demented musings.

    By the way, I also bought your book May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss, and I must say I’m having a grand time reading it.

  28. Start an annual award show on this blog, anybody who has watched the whole range from Satyajit Ray to Mithun etc is aptly qualified to do that. SERIOUSLY!

  29. I did not watch Filmfare in fact I haven’t done it for ages. But I don’t find it funny anymore I wish the ass kissing was less stark.

  30. Loved it 🙂 Very Mast post 🙂

  31. Everyone watches such shows on TV for funny oneliners from the host and sexy dances in between.

    btw Sonakshi Sinha looked ugly before dabbang launch at such award function…now she appears sexy …is there any mental illusion ?

  32. Good one. Nice humor.

  33. And why does everyone speak in English? Are these English film awards or Hindi Film awards? Its embarrassing watching stars like Dharmendra, Kangana Ranaut speaking in poor English and making a fool of themselves.

  34. There was the rumor Gervais was shot midway through the Globes. Didn’t believe that but I wouldn’t be surprised if you were never offered to write for a bollywood film again if people read your stuff. :p Kidding. Things are changing and it is quite refreshing to see new experiments, even if they fail at times. The Uncle Tom, Keanu Reeves bits cracked me up.

  35. Now that we know you have seen Guzaarish, how about its review??

  36. Excellent!!!

  37. great post, Sonam trying to be intellectual on twitter……..sure! I once read her tweet which said “wuthering Heights” is so “lyrical”……… If that’s not profound, what is? Emily Bronte would have wondered from above if Sonam reads while trying out outfits (since that’s how she spends 90% of her day)

    The awards are nothing short of a farce now….was also wondering if the last line isn’t an unkind hit at your readers who comment 🙂 hope not !

  38. Ha ha haaaaa…… “Abhishek Bachchan did more to punish the good name of “Ravana” then Lord Ram could have ever imagined doing.” Roling over the floor

  39. Rampal has a National Award. Fact. Dont Cry. Shit Happens.

  40. Sholay ka baap Gunda February 4, 2011 — 6:01 am

    There is no doubt about the fact that Bollywood and it’s awards are worse than you have described, but we can’t vouch for the credibility of the Oscars either.

  41. Loved the Jhakass Kapoor “Man Grove” moniker, Anal Kapoor might have been appropirate too! Thanks for a great post. Sham Bollywood Awards Shows (oxford dict: an embarrassingly unapologetic self-congratulatory party foisted down viewer’s throats).

  42. I cant understand your oscar obcession for sure…
    If we had awards Oscar style not even 0.1 percent of people whould have watched it.
    How often you have seen Indians actually enjoying Oscar Nights..
    We are just different people.What works there does not work here
    Otherwise we would have elections their style,movies their style
    music their style
    traditions their style
    why you want award similar to OScars….
    In India we love stars…we want to see them win
    you dont have a crowd in US,UK or Europe which will go crazy after a Rajnikant or Salman Khan….

    In considering that a SRK basher you are..and i know that keeanu reeves comparison clearly was for him…
    beep off man…beep offf…

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