Sarah Palin: I am so glad to be in India meeting all of you newspaper-dudes. Thanks first of all to the India Today group for ponying up USD 100K for my speaker fees and for footing the bill for the 7 star treatment. It is truly a great testament to the intellectual riches available in your country that you had to invite good ole soccer mum me.
I am truly honored to be at a place where luminaries like General Musharaff have spoken before.
(Turning to her aide: “Was he the guy who tried to hit on me?” Whispering aide: No madam, that was another Pakistani– Zardari. Palin: Wait, who is that? Aide [giving up in exasperation]: Yes sorry, forget what I said—it was the same guy.)
(Flashing a smile) If there was anything I wanted to be more than Miss Hawaii and US president, it was to visit India. You see when I was a kid, we used to play cowboys and Indians. My brother would dress up as Big Chief Bullshit, and run about holding a tomhawk while I chased him with a sawed off shotgun. As a matter of fact, we in the US so much admire your Indian culture we named a missile Tomhawk, with which he bust the asses of sand …I mean enemies of America. Like liberals and Arabs. So coming to India has been like homecoming. On the ride from the airport I saw so many of your folk living in wigwams on the side of the road. Charming idea—-to have reservations on the highways. Someone told me you have 49.5% land for Indian reservations. Lovely.
Aide steps in and says “If you have any questions for the Governor”.
Person 1: So Governor Palin, what kind of things do you want to do in India in your off-time?
Palin: Oh lots of doggone things. For one, I have hired a helicopter and from there I am going to shoot cows. I like moose but seems to be none around. So I am going to shoot em cows and make myself nice big juicy rare steaks. I was told you Indians hold the cow in high regard. Consider this my way of respecting your tradition. I dont want you to misunderestimate my love for this country.
Aide coughs….”Yes next question?”
Person 2: Did you get a chance to meet the Prime Minister?
Palin: Oh yes I did. She was a charming woman. I learned something new today. Yesterday it was that the earth revolves round the sun. Today it is that Indian tribes have Italian chiefs. I never knew that before.
(Aide whispering: That was not the Prime Minister. Palin whispering back: Dang. Who was that then? Aide [giving up]: Yes sorry, forget what I said—that was the PM.)
Person 3: What do you think about call centers?
Palin: Yes I am glad you asked that. The lamestream media consistently paints me as some right-wing bimbo when all I am is a heartland girl who likes to call things dead center.
Aide whispering: Governor, he means “call centers”. You know the people you call over the phone when you need to turn on the laptop…
Palin: Oh I am sorry. I “wee-weed” up the question. Oh those call centers. Third world job-robbers they are with their ridiculous accents and there “Yes mam myself Sam.” Disgusting —which country are those beggars from? Cannot remember….definitely not a country I can see from my house. I can tell you that.
Person 4: Will you star in moossic bhideo with me? I have composed a disco song phor you, soopherheet moosic “Oh mera Sarah Palin, Chalo hum disco chalin”. Madam, this song will win the Grammy Whammy Thank You Mammy…….guaranteed. You remind me so much of Shyam Phox…
Palin (suddenly getting one word): Fox. I am an expert commentator there. Fair and balanced news they have there. Thank you for asking….(looking at the golden chains the man is wearing)….Indian Mr. T?
Person 5: Madam, Sheila or Munni?
Palin: (winking): Sarah and Money !
Person 6 stepping up: Governor Palin, we Indians want to know what you think of the Men In Blue?
Palin: I thought you would never ask. Men in the Blue States. They are the nation’s enemies. They are all about “spend spend spend”. They want to bring socialism into the country, create a single payer insurance system. Say no to the Blue states. Say no to the Democrats. Go red. Go Republican. Vote Palin.
Aide mumbles to other aide: “Oh my God this lady will start a war. We need to make her stop speaking before she makes a further jackass of herself. Get someone who will make it impossible for her to get a word in edgewise.”
Aide 2: Put a call through to Arnab Goswami. NOW.