Stardate 2009.10. This is Captain James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Caught in an ion storm, we have been thrown off coordinates in a remote corner of the galaxy and are currently orbiting a M-class planet…
[Bridge of the Enterprise]
Spock: Captain, I have been able to get some information from the archives about this planet. It is in an Earth-like planet with an nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere called Yashrajton. In this planet, there is always bright sunshine, most of it consists of green fields with yellow flowers everywhere , happy people with nary a worry in sight sing and dance about, the dhol plays always, background dancers magically arrive every twenty minutes, one elaborate family function gives way to another, India and Pakistan exist as brothers and play cricket together for a cup called the “Aaman Cup”, the education system consist of Gurukuls where teachers instruct students in the ways of love, whenever people break into song (and that’s as often as a man with loose motion taking a dump) they sing in the voices of Sonu Nigam or Sunidhi Chauhan, there is a very limited set of names for people (Veer, Veera, Rohan, Rahul), everyone talks with exaggerated facial expressions and gestures, where a woman will be mistaken to be a man the moment she puts on a beard and a man will be rendered unrecognizable if he shaves off his mustache and most importantly, everything is lovey-dovey.
Kirk: Don’t they have days and nights here?
Spock: No they do not. They have shows. The same story repeats itself every show. Because this planet exists for one reason only—to make money. That is why the same thing is cycled and hashed over and over again. Sure seasons change—some times it is called “Mujse Dosti Karoge”, sometimes it is called “Veer Zara”, sometimes it is called “Dil Bole Hadippa” but the essential ingredients and the trappings remain the same. Because the Gods realize that the way to make money is to set your world in rural Punjab or in London. This is because the most lucrative market for Hindi movies happens to be expatriate Punjabis, in London and elsewhere and the Planet Gods are convinced that these people will buy a ticket as long as the story is set in Punjab and has lots of Punjabi thrown in. And of course many other brain-dead zombies wHo TyPe Lik Dis will flock to see such muck as long as there are cuteys like Shahrukh and sweeties like Shahid Kapoor.
Kirk: Sulu, do a magnification of the planet on the front screen.
Sulu: Yes Captain…
Kirk shrieks in pain.
Kirk: Oh my sweet heavens. What was that which just flashed before my eyes? Was that Harbhajan Singh in a bikini ?
Spock: No Captain. That was Rani Mukherjee playing cricket disguised as Harbhajan Singh.
Sulu: So this explains why Bhajji bowls like shit nowadays. It is actually a “doosra” person pretending to him.
Spock: In the story currently playing down on the surface, Veera or Rani Mukherjee is a girl who is the best cricketer in the village. But since girls cannot play in the Aaman Cup, she transforms herself into a gabdu jawaan Veer by wearing a beard and a turban and dropping an “e” from her name. No body of course notices, among other things, the feminine voice of the man “Veer”…..but then again
Sulu: Give it a break. Even Sachin has a rather feminine voice….so what does that prove?
Spock: [Raising an eyebrow]. Point taken. In any case, after Veera’s transformation what happens is a predictable cross between every other Yashraj movie and Chak De India and a whole lot of sermonizing and Punjabisms….
Kirk: Chak De India. I remember that movie. I like it. Whenever I reach the “final frontier” of some intergalatic babe I always tell her how her world is going to be rocked in the next seventy minutes by some Kirk lovin…
“Sattar minute. Sattar minute. Sattar minute hai tumhare paas. Shayad tumhare zindagi ke sabse khaas 70 minute.” [sidey grin] And you can bet that always has the effect
Uhura (murmuring): Sattar second is more like it…
Spock: Captain I am picking up strange readings from the planet surface. Seems like not everyone is humanoid there. My tricorder is off the scale..Is it a Klingon? Is it a Borg? Is it a Romulan? Is it a space insect? No it is Rakhi Sawant and she is also present there lending her class to the venture as well as Sherlyn Chopra —-two aliens who like “Dil Bole Hadippa” are made out of spare parts of other better products. There is Shaheed Kapoor also trying to do a bad imitation of Shahrukh Khan whether it be the song sequences or the Chak De India type tough coach parts.
Kirk: Let’s check the planet out. I think we should beam down. [To the com:] Scotty, prepare the transporter[throwing out the last words in William Shatner style]
Scott: Oye oye captain.
Kirk: Did I just hear that right? Doesnt Scott say “Aye aye captain”? What was that?
Suddenly a horrifying visage appears on the front screen.
Kirk screams: Battle stations. Man the phaser torpedoes. What in the balls of Orion is that?
Spock: Captain, that is the resident spirit of Yashrajton. I think it has taken command of the ship and its crew…. that’s why Scott was saying Oye Oye…
Kirk: Sulu, full power to the impulse thrusters.
Sulu: Oye shawa shawa. Balle Balle Captain. Tu to bada changa munda hai..
Kirk: Spock, that entity has taken over Sulu. Quick take over the helm.
Spock (face turning blue): Must c..o…n…t..r…o…l emotion. Must not…..Captain…universe mein kitni hai nafrate phir bhi dilon mai hai chahate…….Must not……Halle halle se hawa laagti hai…..No No I cannot be….Captain….
Kirk runs over to Spock. He shakes his shoulders as Spock doubles over. His painful face is replaced with serenity.
Kirk: Are you all right Mr. Spock?
Spock stands up, raises one leg and breaks into dance.
“Bhangra paunde”
He then moves over to Uhura and says “Soni lagdi tainu soni lagdi”……
Immediately the bridge door opens and Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel run in with blue handkerchiefs in their hands singing “Hadippaaaa”…
Kirk sinks into his chair…
Sulu Sulu….warp factor 5 gaddi chak de…..
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“Whenever I reach the “final frontier” of some intergalatic babe I always tell her how her world is going to be rocked in the next seventy minutes by some Kirk lovin…”–LOL… Vintage GB!
Hee Haw! this is fantastic. Tears are rolling down my face with all the laughing. You have to have to see What’s Your Rashee and give your expert comments :p plz plz plz
I ve read most of your stuff. Think your writing style is bloody brilliant. Just didnt find this too funny. Thought you were pushing it a little too much. Or maybe I just dont get startrek humour.
Creative thinking to the best !!!
Yash films is a franchise just like Disney, do we complain to disney about their plot and happy faces …
once again .. the review is much better than the movie!
I have always known that these movies are made so that they it’s reviews can be enjoyed!!
Chakkk de phatte!
C’mon GB. “Dil Bole Budi Tarah Se Hara Pa” (your words) deserve a better review than this. This was less of a review for comedy called Hadippa and more of tang-khichaoing of the yash banner. Creative? yes.. Funny? .. could have been better. At the end got ‘Gowarikaried’.
However did have signature GB here and there. “Whenever I reach the ‘final frontier’ of some intergalatic babe I always tell her..” the exhibit. Hilarious.
First from south india.
Gimme a Ramsons transistor – Rupee 100 only
The pic cracked me up!!!!
I enjoyed the movie .
It’s a light entertainer .
Rani-shahid was very good…
You are doing creative service of the tallest order. This is f**ing brilliant piece of writing. Long live Arnab Ray….
This piece of cinematic turd seems to be have inspired some of the funniest posts across the blogospere! Excellent work GB!
“Rakhi Sawant and she is also present there lending her class to the venture as well as Sherlyn Chopra —-two aliens who like “Dil Bole Hadippa” are made out of spare parts of other better products”
These lines are priceless!!!
As one Trekkie to another, I strongly protest!
Kirk has never ever ever ejected his warp core in Uhura’s deep space. Ok, they did kiss in Plato’s Stepchildren but it was under mind-control…..
Q’plaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
😛
“she transforms herself into a *gabdu* jawaan”, was that pun intended? Actual word is gabru and Gabdu was a character from chacha chowdhary’s universe.
And of course many other brain-dead zombies wHo TyPe Lik Dis will flock to see such muck as long as there are cuteys like Shahrukh and sweeties like Shahid Kapoor.
LOL!
rofl nice review … creativity at its best 😀
a Useless Yashraj-ified copy of “She’s the man”
“No body of course notices, among other things, the feminine voice of the man “Veer”…..but then again”
cant agree with this … Rani’s voice is/was more “manly” than most of yashraj’s characters 😛
Awesome review sir! Have been following you on Google Reader. Aaj site par aana pada comment karne!
ROFL!! I actually wish that they make more of these shitty movies so that you write these absolutely rib-tickling reviews. BTW, this post deserves to be the script for a skit, especially the last part (“Immediately the bridge door opens and Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel run in with blue handkerchiefs in their hands singing “Hadippaaaa”… 😀 😀 :-D). GB Da, do consider writing the script for a spoof movie after your book release is done. We really need such movies amidst all this muck.
“dropping an “e” from her name.”
Dropping an ‘a’, you mean?
Golpo-ta ki Moti Nondi’r ‘Kolaboti’ theke newa?
he he… yeah, we need a spoof movie as darkstar says above. Please write a script after your book.
Ha ha ha — outstanding review GB! You do these spoofs best! Brilliant!!! But you have to give credit to YashRaj. Punjabis atleast have YashRaj to give them some entertainment, while we Bongs have to make do with Ritu di who gifts us boring Raincoats.
lol !! i Likes the intergalactic setting!
Khaaaaaaaannnnnn !!!
that was quite funny.
actually rani mukherjee has a Masculine voice though..
Ha ha, Doz wHo don’t TyPe Lik Dis also watch the movies and some even write reviews!
plz review Whats your rashee .
One of your best, IMHO!
ROTFL!!!!.. that was super 🙂
One of the best reviews I have ever read.
Lolz@ Kishore…
nicely put review…
Oh! This has been one of the better ones in a long time! Destined to be a classic like Drona/Karzzzz Review!
Bloody Brilliant !!!!!
What abt a review for “whats your rashee” ???
brain-dead zombies wHo TyPe Lik Dis
heyyyy, ur better then dat. It’s “lyk” and not lik. Lollz.
@GB fantastic review…just for records its not “gabdu jawaan” its “Gabru Jawan” – can vouch for it as its coming from punjabi 🙂
thequark
September 30, 2009 at 6:02 am
“she transforms herself into a *gabdu* jawaan”, was that pun intended? Actual word is gabru and Gabdu was a character from chacha chowdhary’s universe.
That was bloody brilliant .. the best ‘Yashraj bashing’ I have read. You beat Anurag Kashyap!! 😀
Say what, I feel TOI, Indian Express and all those national dailies should appoint you as their chief critic..in a year or two we could see Yashraj and party shopping for contraptions to take them to the moon.
oh… now I remember why I love this blog… AWESOME!
Noone could have put this movie in a better perspective..lol 🙂
Ha ha ha ha
Absolute Fun!!!!!!!!!!
What were they thinking?
-Rani Mukherjee when she signed up for this turkey
-Shahid Kapur when he nodded yes!
And Uday Chopra? That guy can sink even the Titanic by just being there on the screen! Ghastly!
Funny review. Even as a punjabi, the movie feels so loud.
How can you not write about the songs with lyrics like “chewing gum te chabbi ja, handpump te dabbi ja, life de juica kaddi ja”
One more reason for YSR movies doing good is that other recent high budget movies have been real shitty. I still get cursed by my wife for making her watch Kambakth ishq in theatre. with ysr films you almost know what you are going to watch (like a fixed cricket match with india going to win). I compare ysr films with ramleela nautanki which my dad has watched a lot as a kid and told me hundreds of time about it. Every year there were almost same artists playing ramayan characters, obviously same story but every one watched every year with similar excitement.
ABSOLUTELY rocking!! I salute your creativity! Being a hardcore trekkie, I enjoyed every word of it. Bajji in a bikini was just too good! 😀
~seemanta
Too good! 😀
best post in a few years to be honest
hahahaha lol awesum structure excellent content
That’s one of the best GB’s post truly
India crashed out of CT…where is your hang dhoni , bring back dada post?
On the topic of Yash-khaaj bashing, havn’t read anything like this:
http://moksharocks.blogspot.com/2007/08/price-of-freedom.html
GB,
You write some of the most amazing reviews I have ever read. For this one I feel you are off your game a little bit. Wanted one was very funny this wasn’t so much.
-Guru
Good stuff Arnab – nothing like combining the cold sophistication of ST with the cheesy campy emotional rawness of the Yashraj love clan 🙂
You asked all the questions I had in my mind while i was giving it a shot yesterday evening ( ..and could not torture myself till the end ) with a superb stroke of humour and imagination! Loved it !
“brain-dead zombies wHo TyPe Lik Dis”. 🙂
you possess some freudian abilities to pick exactly the stuff that we hate but cant pinpoint about the typical ‘oh my gawd! shahrukh’ variety.
Awesome writing skills amd sense of humor.
Apart from the economic sense that lot of audiences of such movies are Punjabi there is another reason for them to be stuck in the sprawling sarson ke khet. For 30 odd years, Bollywood is ruled by the likes of Chopras, Kapoors, Johars, all Punjabis.
ROFL ROFL … AMAZING !!
Cant wait for your reviews on Wake up Sid.
“Veer, Veera, Rohan, Rahul”
Allow me to add another, Raj (generally) Malhotra
Is “Shaheed Kapoor” seriously a coach?! NAAAAEEEEEEEEEE! No wonder Spock lost conrtol.
LOL. Howling with laughter here!
hilarious post as usual….the interesting point about this movie, and with another boggling creation of chopras “RNBDJ”, is the utter mediocrity of disguise in a creation. Shahrukh’s characters in the Rab ne… cud have easily been made belivable using some makeup to make them different, or at least they might have worked on some facial hairs , some beard or atleast a french-cut. but than, it wud have not been a good idea in commercial terms as Janta would not like that. And thus they came up with the mustache idea. Brilliant. They certainly have taken viewer’s common sense for granted, n they r doing fine.
I remember a scene in Satyajit’s classic “Joy Baba Felunath” in which during climax all the three characters disguised them self as Sadhus, n I did not recognized them for sometime. But wait, am I not kind of comparing Tushar Kapoor with Tom Hanks.
haha…great one.. ser what is yashraj thinking? every 2 years or so, they remake their own movies..
Thanks GB for this piece… why the hell all these film makers think that everyone who knows Hindi understands Punjabi?? No doubt its a great language but I do not understand it… gimme my money back… I thought this was a Hindi movie
Brilliant, GB! Controlling my laughter as I read this in office 🙂
wonderful review… creativity at its best.
@GB … although your writing tends to get repititive (wink wink), I keep on reading it for gems like this one ..
“two aliens who like “Dil Bole Hadippa” are made out of spare parts of other better products.”
I fully agree with Nachiket. Though I am a punjabi and understand the language well, it was extremely irritating to see a Hindi movie using lot of punjabi, in the process killing both the languages…
Punjabi has been used in many earlier movies but always in moderate doses, but in this movie, it was way excess..
boring movie
AWESOME!!!
A superb review of an ordinary film! just gr8! and the lines :
Yashrajton. In this planet, there is always bright sunshine, most of it consists of green fields with yellow flowers everywhere , happy people with nary a worry in sight sing and dance about, ……… and most importantly, everything is lovey-dovey.
…depicts everything about the film in an articulate manner. Simply getting addicted to your blog… 🙂
Got to be among the funniest review in recent times from GB
Nothing much to say (and repetition it is!) except that this is absolutely brilliant – witty and innovative in a way uniquely yours. The best “trash it” review I’ve read in a long time.
Spock: “facinating, intriguing. However, the most logical course of action is to keep away from the movie”
“Uhura (murmuring): Sattar second is more like it…”
what a line!!!!….
a very serious recommendation: Arnab Da if ever there will be a spoof movie made in Bollywood, on the lines of Scary Movie and etc, please oh please convince the producers to let you do the screenplay
😛
the subaltern voices taking over from western science jargon is a brilliant exercise in postcolonial subversion. 😛
A very innovative way to present a review and I was laughing throughout!
esp @ “whenever people break into song (and that’s as often as a man with loose motion taking a dump)” …. lol!
But like some commenters have pointed out, this review lacks the substance of your other reviews – it doesn’t really parody specific nuances of the movie but is a generalized dig at the whole Yashraj banner.
Anyways, great read nonetheless – would have been better if you could have introduced us to some of the sillier points of the movie in your trademark acerbic style.
But that is because every other Yashraj film has the same template. You parody one, it’s the same as parodying the banner.
This is one of your most original reviews..I would say after “Veer” the quality of humour might have a dropped a little bit..But then again you always make a comeback with reviews like this or that Illuminati review(Which by the way remains your best work to date as far as reviews are concerned)