[Parody. No vocal chords were harmed in the making of this post.]
Arnab G: Ladies and gentlemen, we have broken many stories here on the News Hour over the years. But nothing, ladies and gentlemen, nothing will have prepared you for the story we will be breaking here today, exclusively on Times Now, something that will dwarf the 2G scandal, Gujarat 2002, Coalgate, Coffingate, Commonwealthgate, Bill Gate, Seagate and Stargate.
I have, in my hand, (brandishing papers in front of the camera), conclusive, CONCLUSIVE, proof that I have been impersonated on Twitter. I have this impersonator today with me here in the studio, now, at the top of the hour, a man who goes by the name of Arnab and runs a blog called “Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind”. I will be asking him a simple question. A simple question, because I am a simple person.
And that question today, is
“Will you apologize to the nation now or will you apologize later?”
ON THE NEWS HOUR TONIGHT.
[Split screen comes up. ]
ArnabG: Mr. Arnab, I have asked you a most simple question. Will you apologize to the nation now or will you apologize later?
ArnabR: I have not impersonated you in any way and so I do not…
ArnabG: Since you will not answer my straight question, I shall ask it in a different way. Do you deny that your name is Arnab?
ArnabR: Just because my name is Arnab does not…
ArnabG: I have in my hands here, your birth certificate, your higher secondary exam certificate, print out of your Facebook profile. Do you want me to read the name on them out to you? Or for that matter what you got on your Bengali second paper?
ArnabR: I am not denying my name is Arnab. All I am saying is..
ArnabG : [Smug smile] There, I have exposed you.
ArnabR: But I have not impersonated you. My name may be Arnab but…
ArnabG [Looking towards the camera]: Ladies and gentleman, I have in my hands the proof. The exact proof. Which I shall now show and ask my guest to answer.
Now please tell me, do you have a program on any TV channel? Do you? I watch television, Mr. Arnab, and I do not recollect having seen you there, correct me if I am wrong. Of course since I am never wrong, I will not give you a chance to correct me. It is evident, from this document which Times Now is in exclusive possession of, that people think you are me and you are trying to make them think that.
ArnabR: I know about that tweet. Yes. Not people. Just one person mistook me for you. How is that my responsibility? How can you say on the basis of that…
ArnabG: Crib as you may, cry as you might, I have exposed you.
ArnabR (smiling): No, you haven’t.
ArnabG: You are smiling, which means you know I am right.
ArnabR: No. I have never tried to claim I am you in any way. My last name is different from yours, as you can see.
ArnabG (now smiling): Last name? So you accept, on tape, that this is your last name? Which means you have had other names before, and this is just the name you have now. The last name. The latest name. [More smiles and turning face away]. Resistance is futile. I come back to my original question. Is it time you apologized?
ArnabR (throwing up arms): Why don’t you let me explain? I have never, even once claimed to be…
ArnabG: Don’t look so exasperated just because you have painted yourself in a corner . I am sorry to have to say this but what you are doing is what we call, passing the parcel, passing the buck, trying to divert attention. I will open the floor up now for a seven-way debate [Camera pans away to show seven squares]. We have with us Sanjay Jha of the Congress, Mahesh Jethmalani from the BJP, some person from AAP who I think stays here in the studio only, and three other people whose names I am not bothering to give you, because I have no idea who they are, nor do I intend to let them speak.
Now, my question is for you Mr. Sanjay Jha, will your party ask this man to apologize now or will you make this an election issue?
Sanjay Jha: Arnab, may I make a request?
Arnab G: You may.
Sanjay Jha: Can I have a bit more time? Because I have been unable to link this issue to Modi. Give me twenty more seconds, and I will have something in the form of a feature comparison grid.
ArnabG: [Turning front to camera]: Ladies and gentlemen, we have guests asking for time to speak. This is the first time I have seen someone asking for time to be silent.
And now, Mr. Mahesh Jethmalani, will you respond to Mr. Jha’s allegations? Or shall I interpret your white kurta as a flag of surrender?
Mahesh Jethmalani: First of all, I would like to ask a question to my esteemed Congress colleague. Do you…
Arnab R [shouting]: STOP IT. STOP IT ALL OF YOU. Will you let me speak for God’s sake? I HAVE NOT IMPERSONATED ANYONE. My name is Arnab and there is nothing I can do about it. If you make a mistake confusing me with someone else, that’s NOT my problem. Not MY responsibility.
Arnab G [smiling again]: Ladies and gentlemen, by interrupting Mr. Jethmalani as he was going to speak and by shouting INTO THE MIC, this man has shown, on network TV, in your living rooms, that he indeed is trying to impersonate me. I stand vindicated. The nation demanded an answer. Now it has it. Your apology is accepted.
Coming up, we have another debate on yet another outrage and what exactly that outrage is, I am so outraged now that I cannot remember. ON THE NEWS HOUR TONIGHT.