V-Girl (TM)

27 Comments

“Hey big boy ! Lonely? Girls turn you down? Afraid of more rejection? Fear not big boy….. V-girl (TM) , your virtual girlfriend, is here.” (Link via Samantha Burns)

“Wait, wait” you say. “What’s so new about this? All of us guys have installed this Virtual girl thingie on our desktop at some point of time or the other—-the busty lady who dances at the bottom right hand of the screen and secretly loads our machine with spyware like Bonzaibuddy, Gator, Websearch and other such digital scum —all the time swaying to and fro sensuously.”

“Well big boy, you are wrong. That was then. This is now.”

I shall let V-girl speak.

I am not just another pretty face. I am supported by artificial intelligence. I act like a real girl—I laugh, I flirt, I chat—I can even blow you kisses. I will listen to your problems as we get to know each other. I might even reveal my deepest secrets to you.

“Artificial intelligence?” You ask “wasn’t that about decision trees, neural networks and a little robotic boy who saw dead people? When did Marvin Minsky talk about blowing kisses? What the hell is this ?”

I smile. What You don’t know is that sex sells basic scientific research—funding authorities/venture capitalists now almost always ask—“All this technology is good but where’s the sex?” Well almost always.

I reply:

“V-girl is a virtual creation that will reside in your cellphone. Depending on how you interact with her, she will flirt with you. You will have to buy her gifts, pamper her (like paying a huge amount as subscription fees), treat her like an adult Tamagotchi. And in return, you shall have something you always dreamt of—-a girl who does not point out how fat and bald you are and who does not mind you taking other “virtual companions” (all companions come with a price tag)–in fact she even offers them?

“Buy her gifts? Isn’t she virtual?”

I sigh.

“Cheap bastard. She may be virtual but the people who have developed the technology are real people. They have bills to pay. And like most corporations they are also out to fleece you.”

“Mmm will she speak dirty to me…can we have cybersex? All the real girls I meet in chat rooms turn out to be guys” you ask morosely.

I shall again let V-girl speak.

We can have exciting conversations about all sorts of things. You can watch me as I go through my daily life. I will offer you companionship, commitment, entertainment, advice and a whole lot more. However I will not have real or virtual sex with you. Sorry!

“Damn. Just what I need—a girl who offers commitment and advice but no sex.”

“Don’t worry” I say “As V-girl points out in the FAQ section, you can get married to her in the higher levels of the game which you can reach if you shell out sufficient amount of money (gifts and subscriptions) …….but remember no sex. ”

“Sounds suspiciously like an Indian marriage” you say.

“Talking of Indian, I have a strong suspicion that this V-girl is targeted towards Indian men. I wonder why. For starters, the name of the V-girl is “Maya”. One of her “friends” ( I understand you can purchase their companionship also) is “Anju from India”—-in the gallery section she is shown exercising with the focus of the virtual camera being exactly where Indian men look while making conversation with Anjus and Mayas. ”

“No thanks”–you say. “Much as I like technology and the idea of advancing a relationship on the basis of gifts and subscriptions, I think I shall have to give it a pass. My Shaadi.com ad came through and I am getting married to a wheatish-complexioned, convent-educated girl who does “service” and is “loving and modern with traditional values” —I do not need this any more.”

“Well I would still ask you to consider V-girl. When you have the mandatory discussion of past boyfriends and she reels off the voter’s list of the constituency she lived in, you could mention, as your past flames, Maya and Anju—at least it sounds a lot better than Mr. Right Hand.

Think about this. Keep your cellphone turned on and sleep with it next to your pillow. A threesome every night ! Not even rappers are that lucky.”

So come on out–all you geek boys, the never-been-laid programmers—-you have nothing to lose except being losers.

Get your V-girl (TM) today. Technology has never been sexier.

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27 thoughts on “V-Girl (TM)

  1. Ewwww…that is seriously spooky stuff. Reminds me of the Al Pacino movie “Simone” which I did not watch as the trailers were too spooky.

    Funnily don’t you think all the girls on that website look the same? Jasmine, Maya, Anju, Katie…all look like they have jumped straight out of Dragonball Z or some other Japanese male fantasy.

  2. ROFL…

    I remember that virtual girl on my laptop 😀 – now on cellphone – mmmh – I wonder what other botherations will she bring if I bring her up on the mobile LOL!

    Sigh – the thing men need most, and she categorically refuses it – tch tch! Bad lady. I wish Virtual Girl could do a bit more than just be umm… talkative hehe!

    Good one!

    Suyog

  3. this came out of…where else… kolkata, during the recent ‘agitation’. at present doing the email rounds .
    Disclaimer: This is to certify that the opinions expressed in the poem are the author’s own. The sender of this email is in no way accountable or responsible for them.

    Aamar naam KIRAN MORE
    Selector hoyechhi rajniti kore

    Khachhi ekhon haaramer apple
    Shonge aamar baba GREG CHAPPELL
    Khub besi ami khelini test
    Tar bodole niyechhi rest
    Average niye bolona katha
    Mone aamar laagbe byatha
    Chole jachchhe shob cricket preeti
    Cricket-eo chawle eto rajniti!

    Jani aami “omuk”-er bachha
    Tawbe rajniti-ta korechhi achha
    Jani ami “tomuk”-er chhele
    Bhabchhen amay kelaben pele!
    Jotoi din galagali dhele
    Godi chharbena ei haramjada chhele.

    Baki selector-gulo to aamar-i moto
    Orai ba test khelechhe koto
    Jani amay keu bhalobashbena
    Kintu godi gele to aar ashbena
    Jawtoi aapnara laathhi marun jore
    Godite thakbo rajnitir jore.

    Jani aabar phirben aapnader DADA
    Mukhe amar bhalo kore lagaben kada
    Kintu run DADA koruk na jawto
    Rajniti ami korbo theek tawto

    Ratane ratan chene
    ” xxx ” kochoo-r pichhone ghore
    ami holam sei ” xxx ”
    amar nam Kiran More

    Pabena bhai “@#%*^ ” aamar mawto
    Shaara world e khojoi jawto
    Tai shawbai milay bawlo ekbar jore
    “@#%*^ “-r chhele Kiran More

  4. I didnt like this post. But that hardly matters. What matters at the moment is that GreatBong will be celebrating his birthday in a few days time.

    This is therefore the first of three reminders before the big day. Rumours say that Mithun will grace the occassion at MD.

  5. @Anyesha: Talk about Japanese male fantasies and anime—brace yourself for the Xbox game, N.U.D.E. which will all be about controlling a virtual girl through your voice.

    @Supremus: Yes a little bit more than talking would be nice—but you know these research people, promising so much delivering so little.

    @Sam: You are welcome.

    @Anon1, Teleute, Anon3: 🙂

    @Anon2: Yes very seriously funny.

    @Jetru: Tamagotchi–I never understood the joys of those.

    @A Fool on the Hill: Thanks…

    @Aparna: Advanced dementia.

    @Rani: Got that before from Atanu.

    @SNTakeout: 🙂

    @yourfan: Thank you….again the answer I gave Aparna. Advanced dementia.

    @Partha: Thank you

    @Supremus: Ooh lord. That picture ROCKS ! I am feeling like a teenage girl—my knees are shaking. I want a piece of that man.

    @yourfan2: Okay since I said “thank you” to all the positive comments, I will say “thank you” to this one too.

    🙂

    And hey let me in on your name—you remember my birthday is coming up in a few days. A birthday post will be in order—of course. You are the second person who has “wished” me on my impending birthday—the first being a Brazilian belly dancer friend on Orkut

    🙂

    Distinguished company indeed.

  6. @Dwaipayan: Thanks..this blog needs all the love it can get.

    @Silverine: 🙂

    @Srin: Indeed it is sad. But thats the world many professional men operate in. Female companionship is not readily available, the fear of rejection is very high.

  7. This is actually food for thought. The fact that even some people gets hooked to such virtual girls makes you really wonder what lies at the core of human infatuation of opposite gender(or same gender for some).

  8. Very nice space…I like it…And I think join the secondlife,find some new friends in there is very fuuny.Even find beautiful girl(boy)friends notonly in first real life,but also in virtual secondlife…….

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