Saturday morning. I wake up to see that Shahid Afridi has blasted the Indian attack to smithereens. Younis Khan, another mediocre player whose career India has made, came as close to a double century as possible. As a result, we are now battling to save the Test.
And I had lost the Indibloggies Indiblog of the year to Amit Varma (225 to 159 votes).
Not surprised at either result, I was however taken aback when my phone started ringing.
Voice at other end: ” Aieeeeeeee salaaaaaaaa. Tu haar gaya. Amit Varma ne tujhe lamba kar diya, maachish ki tili ko khamba kar diya.” ( English translation: You lost? …rest is quite untranslatable)
Me:” Prabhuji? Mithun-da? Please don’t get so agitated. It’s perfectly okay….”
Mithun-da: “Bhari bazaar main tera izzat loot liya jaaye aur main hijre ki tarah baitha rahoon?” ( English translation: You are raped in broad daylight and I, like an eunuch, do not do anything?)
Me: “But Prahu-ji , I am not your sister—no-one has raped me. Please…it’s ok…”
Mithun-da:” Kya Ok Ok laga rakha hain. Yeh kya saboon ke bar hain jo bar bar lagaya jaaye? Jine tumhe vote nahin diya un darindon ko to main maar maarke kothewali ki us jaga ki chamri ki tarah bana doonga jo phatke kha kha-ke kali ho jaati hain, har ma behen ki gaali ho jaati hain.”
(English translation: What “Ok Ok”? Is this a cake of soap which can be used and re-used ? [Author’s note: Ok was a brand of soap popular among the toiling masses–the kind who love Prabhu-ji’s movies] I shall thrash those devils who did not vote for you so hard that…..rest is again untranslatable…..those interested are asked to see the movie “Gunda” from which this dialogue is taken, just like the “lamba kar diya” line)
Me: ” No no please…no violence. Listen to me Prabhuji…”
Mithun-da :” Do chaar chaye aath dus….bus” (Translation: 2 , 4, 6, 8, 10—enough)
The phone disconnects. Gawd. So Mithun-da reads blogs. And that too mine.
Just as I am collecting my thoughts, another phone call.
Voice on phone:” Hailo. Theees eeeej Bhappi Lahiri. Pleej do not looj hart.”
Me: ” Oh Bappi-da. Thanks for calling. ”
Bhappi-da: ” Phor you I hab composed inspeerational moojik—it weel be sooperhit, it weel win Granny’s. Let mee play a few baaars. Tan tan tan ta ta, tan tan ta ta”
Me: ” Bappi-da you composed that? That’s the theme from “Chariots of Fire”.”
Bhappi-da: “Off course—to geeb you inspeeration I need to get inspeeration. Now I must go, shoopershtars Michaeel Jaxon, Madonna and Shamantha Phox are waiting in my leebing room ashking for some toons.”
Michael Jackson waiting for toons. Indeed.
The phone rings again.
Voice on phone: ” Hello. Am I speaking to Greatbong? This is Parnab, PhD from Princesston, honorary LIAR from Hambridge calling you to ask for an interview in connection with the Indibloggies award.”
Me: ” But I lost. Why do you want to interview me?”
Parnab: ” Maybe it’s because as losers we can both empathize.”
Me: “You got a point. But seriously, who would be interested in reading an interview with me?”
Parnab: “You are right. Noone. That’s why I am going to say that this is an interview with Che Guevara.”
Me: ” What crap. I am not going to be part of a lie. Plus you cannot get away with it—Che is dead.”
Parnab: ” Who says so? The quizmaster is always right. In my world Che is alive—did you know that it’s he who shouts out “Monica ooh my darling” in “Piya Tu Abh to Aja”? Did you know that Narendranath Dutta (who later became Vivekanand) was the first bowler to take 4 wickets in Calcutta Maidan cricket? Do you know that the baby in the 1977 Coca Cola advertisement was Angelina Jolie? Do you know that the brandname “Lakme” is derived from the Hindu goddess “Laxmi”? Do you know that Jyoti Basu was the lawyer who bailed out Mithun Chakraborty when he was arrested on grounds of being a Naxal? Do you that Osama Bin Laden’s father was supposed to do Omar Sharif’s role in “Lawrence of Arabia” ? Do you know what monumentous event happened when a young British hippie watched Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry while high on pot? ”
Me: “Mmm no”
Parnab: “The name “Harry Potter” was born . There are a lot of things you don’t know. So don’t act smart. Or as the dons say to each other in the hallowed halls of Oxford–“Zyada shana mat ban”.On second thoughts, I don’t need you for the interview—you ask too many questions.”
Another disconnect. Good riddance I thought to myself. Though at the back of my mind, an interview would have been nice—I could have talked about how important blogs are, how important I am—-and so on.
Inundated by celebrity calls, I decide to get pro-active. And call one of my heroes—the Ganguly before he…ahem…calls me.
Me: ” Hello is this Maharaj?”
A maniacal voice at the other end: ” No this is the real Raj—the prince of dungland. Kindly wait, Ganguly has gone out to face the Pakistani bowling. He will back in 30 seconds.”
Me: ” Ha ha. Old pathetic joke. Stop bullshitting—I am not your waterboy. Plus this is nighttime in Pakistan—there is no game going on.
Raj Singh :(maniacal laugh): “Ha ha….okay I lied. The truth is that he and Nagma are having a reunion after many years. Again let me repeat what I said: he will back in 30 seconds”….(more laughter)
Me: “Okay whatever. Just tell him that the Greatbong called to inform him that despite Dada voting for me, I lost the Indibloggies.”
Raj Singh: ” No need to tell him. He knows and I know—all you Bongs are losers by default. As I like to say , Bongs are “Dull”-Mians. Let me tell you a joke I heard—one day Sourav Ganguly scored some runs. Oh wait that was the joke ! Whoppie. And just so that you know, I read your blog too—you oxymoron you. ”
I disconnect the phone.
Just another uneventful Saturday in paradise.