Shylock Khan

In the trial scene of Shylock in the “Merchant of Venice” , an impassioned audience member once got up and moved by the unfairness of it all, cried out ” That man has been wronged.”

Indeed he was—and today many years later history (or myth) repeated itself with the protagonist being, by a strange quirk of fate, a man whose name has the same first letter as Shylock’s. (but who is neither “shy” with respect to body exposure nor has “locks” of hair).

Salman Khan.

Ravi Chopra who was one of the star attorneys in the Warren Commission, the eyewash investigation into the assassination of JF Kennedy,(and whose character was played by Kevin Costner in Oliver Stone’s “JFK”) was immediately on the ball.

“This is ridiculous. There were other actors too, but I don’t understand why Salman alone was targeted. How come the others were acquitted while he alone was sentenced? Was it written on the bullet that killed those blackbuck that Salman had fired the shot?” wonders producer-director Ravi Chopra, who is directing Baabul with Salman, Amitabh Bachchan and Rani Mukherji.

Exactly. Also how do we know that there was not a second shooter in the bushes behind the grassy knoll—who did this all to set up our misunderstood Salman ?

Ravi Chopra while conducting Salman’s defense showed the judge the trajectory the bullet (in case it was fired by Salman) had to take in order to hit the deer—-it violated all the laws of physics having to go in and out, turn back again and shoot the deer.

To which the judge cruelly smiled and say “Apun ka naam hain Heera, chaku se bullet ko cheera“. Which legal experts interpreted as ” Anything is possible in the Hindi movie world—the laws of Newtonian physics don’t hold here”

So if not Salman then who else did it ? The people who were in that hunting party were: Sonali Bendre, Saif Ali Khan, Tabu, Neelam and Satish Shah.

One name stands out: Saif Ali Khan.

After all, his dad (Nawab of Pataudi) is also doing time for killing deer—isn’t it natural that the blackbuck-hunting genes were also inherited by the Chote Nawab? How come the Saif Ali Khan angle was never explored—would it be the same invisible hand that got him the National Award ? I mean if someone can get the National Award for “Hum Tum” surely that person can get away with murder. Even of an animal.

There is more. Just before the judgment was to be delivered, Ravi Chopra made a stunning request.

Where was Dick Cheney on that day in 1998?

I mean look at it. Mr Cheney also goes on hunting expeditions. And he is known to pump bullets into anything except what he is there to hunt. What if Mr Cheney in trying to shoot someone else (perhaps Satish Shah) accidentally shot the black buck ? There would obviously be a cover-up, right?

However, the request was refused by the judge.

Another Salman director, Rumi Jaffery of God Tussi Great Ho, is also in shock. “I cannot believe this,” he says, too taken aback to react. He is, however, confident that Salman will come out clean and that the higher courts will grant him bail. “In my heart, I know he is innocent. He will bounce back,” says Jaffery. Ravi Chopra too is confident Salman will walk out clean.

Ravi Chopra also added, off the record :” When that beggar died and the press went to town saying that Salman ran him over—did it say anywhere on the tire marks that ‘Salman Khan is driving this car’. When the press reported Aishwarya’s black eye, where did her swollen eyelid say: ‘Salman’s hand did this’ ? I mean it is just so unfair.”

Rumi Jaffrey when pressed for further comment just shook his head and said “God Tussi Great Ho”.

Rumors are being whispered that Salman Khan is going to be interred in the infamous Abu Gharaib prison where he will be let off early if he can convince the other prisoners there that male nudity is not humiliating but liberating—-after all he has been doing it voluntarily for years.

But then again, that’s just what it is.

A rumor.

23 thoughts on “Shylock Khan

  1. LOL 🙂

    I loved the title in today – “Bollywood Shocked!”, thereby reducing Bollywood to mere 2 people – Ravi Chopra and Jaffery, and second of whom is quite irrelevant to the industry!

    I am sure Mr. Sallu will find a way to get out of this too – afterall, who doesnt from Bollywood. They can get away with anything. I just hope this freak serves his time in jail.

    Neat observation abt Saifu khan… hehe


    PS: On a totally unrelated note, Chingari has finally released!!!

  2. Reliable intelligence from CIA have indicated that Cheney was around the same area when the shooting happened. Heard that Sallu’s lawyers are going to say that “his medical team raced to give assistance” but the deer simply refused to live !!

    btw, the touch on [“Apun ka naam hain Heera, chaku se bullet ko cheera“] was hilarious !! long live Prabhuji


  3. Hi Greatbong
    Let’s see, he runs over and kills some homeless people and he faces no punishment but he kills some endangered dear and he gets prison.

    It reminds me of the diamond-water paradox for some reason.

  4. i dont know a single bong [though i know very few ] who understands hindi, bollywood language at that, so very well with all its nuances.
    all refrences were great esp “chaku se ”
    chest pain time for sallu!

  5. ain’t it a travesety of justice that a dude can run over a few humans yet emerge from the incident unscathed by the long arms of justice but then a mere (protected) animal lays him low?


  6. i will take exception to what “some body” said. a mere (protected) animal?

    yes. it is a shame that salman has not been punished for having run over (and killed) those poor people sleeping outside that laundry in bandra. but, i want to take exception that “mere” you wrote. why does the loss of a human necessarily have to be any more significant than the life of a black buck or a chinkara?

    i welcome the judgement. it will, i hope, deter some more of these arrogant shmucks who think they can get away with murder.

    ps – another thing, “some body”. i suspect you do not know that the world is living through a great wave of extinction. read the article at might help you see things in a slightly less anthropocentric manner.

  7. To:greatbong *AT*
    Date: Feb 18, 2006 12:00 AM
    Subject: I will cap yo ass.

    Abhe Greatbong,

    I read your blog from time to time. Oh, I am IT savvy alright. I have my own web site and it kicks your websites ass. I also have an in house(literally inside my house) special effects team rivaling Industrial light & magic which creates fake nude pics of Aishwarya Rai and distributes it. Wait till my next work of art, an MMS clip of Aish and you will learn to appreciate my creativity. But for all the genius I am it still difficult for me to read each and every blog as soon as it is updated. My computerwallah tells me to use RSS readers, but as you know I am from a minority community and I don’t like RSS. But I do kiss Bal Thackerey’s ass from time to time. I will probably use that.

    Anyway in this so called “blog” you insult me. You seem to suggest that I will be in trouble. For this alone I am going to bust a cap in yo ass. As I said in one of my phone calls with Aish which was tapped by the Mumbai police NSA ishtyle

    “I have the power to do that. Do you know the underworld people call me at 12 at night because I am the main guy in Bombay. You know the underworld is controlled by me? You know I can do that. Why are you saying I’ll be in trouble?”

    So better be careful about what you write otherwise you are gonna end up sleeping on the footpath on my way home or being Dick Cheney’s hunting partner.

    All your readers seem to wish me to end up in a jail. They pray to that false god Mithun for me to get sodomized in jail. FIY I am a bodybuilder with a penchant for showing off my body and I call up my male costars in the middle of night. Connect the dots. Broke back mountain anyone?

    Let’s keep it real, Ok. I can drag my ass through the hierarchy of courts for a lifetime. I will prolong this case one furlong a time. I am rich bitch! By the time it reaches is conclusion I will be long dead due to steroid abuse.


  8. Arnab, been reading your blog for a while; I have just ventured to comment here for the first time.

    On a more serious note, I am expecting these freakheads to cry wolf at the subjugation of minorties in India. Seriously. Someone might give a fatwa for the Judge’s head and it would be a media circus all over.

  9. YOURFAN writes:
    The fact that the media kept pounding on Salman Khan for running over some pavement dwellers and then ran away without reporting the accident, taught Saif Ali Khan to be prudent and voluntarily report the accident that he was involved in.

    What I truly don’t understand is why with all that money these filmi people (specially when they are drunk most of the time) don’t hire drivers to drive them around. Don’t tell me they can’t afford the drivers. It amazes me to see the picture in newspaper where Abhisek is driving his father Amitava to the hospital for check up after the operation. Either he a devoted son (at least tries to give that impression to the public) or he also can’t afford a driver with all that expenditure for his old father.

  10. I remember yesteryear actor Raj Kumar’s son who got away despite running over so many people with his car. Sanjeev Nanda, sone of a multi-millionaire also got away when some of the witnesses turned against a case in which he was accused of mauling seven people under his car.

    This is proof enough for “Show me the man and I shall show you the law”. When no fuss has been raised on killing of human beings, why such a hue and cry over an animal.

    As for “Hum Tum” Salmaan and saif should be singing

    “Hum tum -ek Jangal main sang ho aur Jaanwar mar jaaye
    Politics aur court kacheri main logic kho jaaye .

    Hum tum………….”

  11. Arnab…….if you keep writing this well, one day (as the inimitable Gawker says) you’ll be in big trouble when you have to write an average post.

    keep on rocking.

  12. I don’t know… I’m a huge fan of your writing, but somehow I just can’t see the humor in this situation.

  13. Here is a not so formal legal notice from Karachi that follows the “witch hunt of a minority community actor” line featured in Rediff board for quite some time. 😉

    The gunman on the grass knoll strikes again!
    The CIA is upto it’s dirty tricks to frame my client, a reputed actor from the oppressed minority community of Hindustan….. and they have the collusion of the Right-Wing Hindutva forces who have an upper hand in Rajasthan in this matter. The fact that my client, Mr Salman Khan is a personal friend and representative of Dr. Dawood Ibrahim, who has worked endlessley for communal harmony in South Asia, is reason enough for the witch hunt orchestrated by the jingoistic forces of Indian Media and Government. This is a conspiracy of vast scale and is an extension of the CIA-Mossad-RAW plot to destroy the Twin Towers and put the blame on the respectable and pious Messrs Osama Bin Laden and Ayman Al Zawahiri
    It’s so simple….. prima-facie, has anyone noticed that the Blackbuck was Black. You know, Black as in African-American. Hello! American anyone?! Am I the only one who noticed it’s black booty? Ever heard of the term Agent Provocateur? Where is Exhibit A, the so called “body”, anyway? Oh, don’t give me that “Decomposed” argument now… if that is your answer I may have to call for a mistrial. No body, no dice!

    Expecting your views in this matter,

    Barrister Shaheed Bakri Butt,
    Legal Counsel for Dawood Industries,
    7 Clifton, Karachi.

  14. Salman khan is the greatest hero ever.
    He did good to run over those homeless people who were wasting good footpath space and lowering nations poverty level.

    If there were more people like him “to aaj desh ka yeh haal nahin hota.”

  15. “Generations to come will wonder in disbelief that a
    (Sal)man as innocent as this ever walked this earth!”

    Wonderful post!

  16. As people get older, they tend to resist change … so can’t quite say which (blog) look I like better 🙂

    But I am intrigued with the pic of Ajit Panja … wonder if something on him is coming 😉

  17. Hi Arnab,
    I discovered your blog quite by chance some weeks back, and to say I have been impressed with your writing style and choice of topics would be an understatement.
    It’s a rare gift to combine serious issues with humour and a touch of satire – and be able to carry it off with aplomb. But you seem to manage fine! Never let the stream of random thoughts run dry! 🙂

  18. @Suyog: Precisely…as if two people constitute Bollywood. Oh when shall I be able to see “Chingari”…

    @GHE: Long live Prabhuji indeed.

    @Michael: True. Interesting link.

    @Varsha: Naaah, my Hindi isnt that great….but I am adept in all the nuances of the typical Bollywood dialogue.

    @SB: Yes the irony.

    @Rajsekhar: I see your point but I kind of go with SB….but I understand the concept that humans are no “better” than animals.

    @Anil: Dekh main kaanp raha hoon. (That was an excellent “letter” —esp the Brokeback Mountain bit)

    @Abhishek: The minority card is inevitable..I remember the last time Salman was arrested he wore a skullcap—how convenient.

    @Yourfan: Interesting point. My friends in India assure me that unlike in US where having someone drive your car is a mark of “prestige” and signifies great power, in India it is more stylish/hep/with-it to “drive your own car”. I kind of ascribe to the US POV on this one—an uniformed guy up front, me in the back with champagne and some “hangers-on”…bindaas.

    @Hiren: Picturing Saif Ali Khan in Dimple Kapadia’s short skirt….

    @Sunil: Thank you…that post by Gawker was a big ego boost.

    @Sandipan: I cant see why you dont. Isnt Salman Khan humorous in himself?

    @The Wanderer: Holy the moly. I never saw it from that angle, Mr Butt.

    @Kamal: True. For a second I thought you were Salman’s big pal–Kamal Khan.

    @Manasi: Thank you

    @Bonatellis: Naaah…just like Ajit Panja’s face.

    @Mystic Margarita: Nice moniker! Thank you.

  19. Hey Arnab,

    Well loved the humour here. Keep posting!!


  20. whats( poignantly..??) funny though is my morning paper selling Salman Khan (murdered animals and people) and Jessica Laal case histories with the same amount of conviction, courage and blahdom…
    it makes me wonder which issue is being trivialized..i wait open mouthed …eyes closed.. figuring out the fuddle …there must be a heaven where some screams have gone..??

  21. “For the next few days you will hear and read a lot of shit about me, a lot of it. Keep on reading it…but don’t react to it.”

    Salman speaks out for his fans to clear out the stories in the media for his fans

    Read more on his blog

  22. Hi Greatbong,
    I have been reading your blog for many days now, and i must congratulate you for the intellect you have got. The way you weave your stories and link them to different pages( pages which are truly unrelated in general sense) is unique.
    Could your throw some light on this ability of yours.
    Great post.

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