Bhairi Phunny Language

I know you are a busy person. But no matter how busy you are—-boss standing over your shoulder, wife breathing down your neck, three deadlines at 12 tonight, a baby in a burning building: put everything down and sit back.

And read this(Wild, Wetty Dreams) (link via India Uncut) [Update: the article has since been edited with wetty being replaced by witty. Some samples of the original are below. For the original unedited version, (which was up on Hindustan Times Tabloid): please go here] [Update 2: The HT link is now dead–but thankfully the original unedited version is still available. ]

Yes sirs and madams, it has finally happened. The cataclysm we had all been anticipating. The Ingliss language (Indian English) that originated from the love poems of the famous Bangladeshi (yes don’t point out the contradiction please) brothers Horizon and Verizon on Bangla bulletin boards, gathered steam with “May I do fransip with you?” on orkut scrap books and Yahoo messenger, and then spilled out onto matrimonials has finally made it to the main stream media.

Note kindly the lyrical quality of these lines.

Being a celeb doesn’t accomplish all your dreams. One still desire for more.

Once being abreast of wildest romantic dream of some of them, you will realise that they are like us.

I love to dress like a Punjbai bride, Christian babe, a beautiful parsi girl and like other communities’ bride.

So I love to get married to a man in several times in several ways

Wren and Martin must be wetting themselves in their damp, dark graves in several times, in several ways.

Of course before you smile that superior smirk, let me tell you that there is a method in the madness. For instance the title of the piece is “Wild Wetty Dreams”—-note that the use of the word “wetty”, though strictly not grammatical (as a matter of fact it doesn’t exist) is essential to distinguish the title from “Wild Wet Dreams” which would be dishonest labelling for this piece of Pulitzer material.

It’s an important distinction to make because of the presence of lines like the ones below, which with a different heading on the piece could have been otherwise construed:

Diana Hyden, a beauty with brains thinks of forest, wild animal and her sweetheart.

As you know African forest are dense and you have deadliest of creatures there. I dream of wild animals all around me. I think this one dream I will ever want to get fulfilled.”

Finally pliss to note the beautifully respectful way of addressing women. Christian “babe”. Hollywood “babe”. Bollywood “babe”. Maywati “babe”. And the author’s lovely conception of romance –“commitment-less cavorting on a lonely island with multiple babes”—-a definition that sensitive men all over the world can relate to.

Very very wetty the author of this piece truly is.

62 thoughts on “Bhairi Phunny Language

  1. This makes one cry out give me Times of India anyday! At least they do a better job with copy pasting. 😉 Also check out Gawker’s take on this one and count the number of times the writer(?) has used the word wild in the piece. What beats me is what was ‘wetty’ about those unimaginative dreams?

    Total ROTFL!!!

  2. Ha! TOI was bad enough but even HT! I wrote an email to HT editor, I am not sure I will receive a reply or not. Keeping my fingers crossed. At least Hindu has a public editor.

  3. ROTFL… I dnt quite rmbr but wasn’t HT supposedly a better paper than TOI? hey bhagwaan, wots hpng to ‘journalists’…isnt thr ONE good journalist around???

  4. Well all the good ones are apparently vacationing in Egypt.

  5. And I thought HT was a decent newspaper. After reading this, TOI-let paper seems like Pulitzer material.

  6. Hahahaha… hehehehe… huhuhu….

    Probably they are saving some money on proof-reading…

  7. Arnab,

    I just forwarded the article and Gawker’s and your comments to my colleague whose wife works with HT, Mumbai. Fun is happening with this…:)

  8. This is interesting. What I find most interesting is that written in this form, it’s actually far more entertaining and a far better read than if the reporter had reported the actors’ views correctly and grammatically.
    You know, I think this is a good model to follow. When you’re writing articles like this one, you should write them in this language. There’s a fit somewhere.

  9. Clicking on the have-your-say link at the bottom revealed this:
    Is there any issue you feel very strongly about “Wild, wetty dreams”?

    All I can say is “HT Tabloid” “Hotspot” – not exactly mainstream news media. There are such sections in TOI etc. too and in no terms pulitzer material either.
    In all probability this was written by some disgruntled Indian blogger 😛 who later proceeded to ridicule it! Shame though, the editor didn’t see it coming hehe


  10. Perhaps we can thank our lucky stars that such crap is limited to the website in HT. In TOI you pay for it with your morning paper! TOI started going this way when I was in school, giving us adolscent kids wild, wetty, dreams. With their newspaper in education (NIE) program, they dumped their shit on us everyday. Fridays were eagerly anticipated because that way the day that E-times came (which was quite close to softcore porn).
    Now I have heard that schools get a sanitized version of the paper :-).

    An interesting thing happened to me regarding this. I was going to be awarded some NIE scholarship for performance in the boards. The presentation was preceded by an interaction between school teachers and some TOI lady. The teachers objected to the presence of half-clad females (and males if you count Salman) but the TOI lady’s response was that we want the students to find out what the world is really like. I attained enlightenment that day by realising it was all about fake breasts!

  11. YOURFAN writes:
    @GB:I thought HT to be a respected newspaper. But now it seems it has equated itself with TOI – sad indeed.

    You wrote: “note the beautifully respectful way of addressing women”. There has been too much division – too much polarization – too much this vs. that on your last two posts. I don’t want to start the issue of men vs. women in this post. But, honestly, how many men sincerely respect women who are not their mothers?

  12. @Anonymous coward: Funni you should mention NIE. sed to be an NIE “resourse” for some time in Pune while completing my MA. I used to take classes on debate, GK, and public speaking. The stipulation was – the topics had to be from the day’s newspaper.

    All I did was take the headlines and get the students to speak on them, but never actually had them read from the newspaper! Good, no?

    Also that the was the only time I got anything tangible out of the TOI. They used to pay (as far as I remember) around 70-80 rupees per class I took. 🙂

  13. @Anonymous coward: Sorry the first line got mangled. It should’ve read “Funny you should mention NIE. I used to be an NIE “resource” for some time in Pune…”

  14. ROTFL esp @ Maywati “babe”

    I guess I may have to stop reading all newspapers & stick to reading your blog


  15. @Shan

    We had some of those things too. People came for such activities, but these things only took place in lower classes. By the time we were in 9-10th or so, such things stopped completely and all that remained was Delhi Times and its Page3 and back page.

    And taking the bloody paper was compulsory too. Paying 50-60 bucks for TOIlet paper seems a bit steep to me. Fortunately (?), my school switched to HT soon.

  16. hmm…… the Hindu for news, use the internet for Porn…..and stop buying ToI and HT because a they promise a combo……terrible news and terrible porn…..jeezus

  17. as finally made it to the main stream media.

    What the ???? So HTTabloid is now mainstream media, haan?

    Kya yaar…….

  18. Simply amazing blog man…Loved the last para in particular

  19. Come on, don’t tell me you didn’t know that HTTabloid was edited by young teens who have just started to experience these wild, wet dreams themselves.

  20. Something wrong with my eyes…i read the title of your post as “Bihari Phunny”…read the whole piece, and was wondering what this had to do with poor Biharis (disclaimer: wifey’s one of them! so i hv to take their side, you know?!)

  21. Was the author of this piece Tarzan?

  22. Oh come on you snotty, elitist, English-medium (maybe convent) educated upper middle class snobs and Queen’s language Nazis.

    Descend from the lofty perch of your spell-checkers and spare a thought for the poor tormented souls of these grammatically challenged. Just because they translate directly and literally from their native language – doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a say in the internet world (a world that is unfairly dominated by that one imperialist language) ? If you deride them, do they not sulk ? If you make fun of them, will they not cry ?
    (….and so on and so forth….)

    And honestly how many men out there have not shared Dino Morea’s wild bedwettingy fantasies ?

    Hypocrites – the lot of you, I say.

    PS – Pliss to ignore – just letting off some end of the week steam. Besides someone had to introduce a counter-view – this post has been uncannily controversy free.

  23. Yaknow, the Tamil word for a vella fellow is ‘vetti’. Do you suppose the journalist of that piece was going for an intelligent, cross-cultural play on words?

  24. ROFTL! LOL – hahahahahah :).


  25. Now, that is the pinnacle of incisive journalism as it is in the West.
    Oh joy.

  26. well, those ‘not-so-witty’ people seem to have noticed the mistakes now!! its no longer a wetty dream, but a witty dream!! 🙂
    some of the spelling errors have also been corrected btw..

  27. man.. they have already corrected some things in the article. Would have been great to see the article as it was…

  28. In defence of the HT writers. Isn’t all that in quotes? I mean haven’t these great lines uttered by those “witty” bollywood folks? I guess the whole article was in first person. So its Priyanka Chopra that needs to be ridiculed and not poor HT writers 😉


  29. Wow! These nujpapers nebher phail to amaze me… of course, if thees was TOI, the artickel would have probably ended in the middil of a sentence. Is there a quota for grammatically challenged students in journalism?
    And Arnabda, you also never fail to amaze me… You miss nothing funny in the world, do you?

    @YOURFAN: I do sincerely respect women who are not my mother. However, recently I’ve received such pathetic treatment from some such respected women, and such accusations, that sometimes I wonder if my attitude towards women is right. After all, those who see women as “babes” only and talk to them for “timepass” can’t get hurt by that kind of treatment, right?
    Ha ha… don’t get heated up over this… it’s just a personal experience. I’m not making a generalised comment about women. No need to start a fight over this… more so because, according to some people you and I are probably just GB’s different avatars! 🙂

  30. @BongoPondit–
    I do agree with you, right now , right here.
    You can consider me as your taal pataar pakha. ( diney teen baar loadshedding. Electric fan choleyna)

    This blog has readers who swear by queen’s english (educational hangover and the desire to score in TOEFL) and are unable to savour the multiple flavours of english-done-gone-native.

    I always enjoyed Kipling because he did, in my opinion, a wonderful job of distinguishing english-english and the ‘exotic’ variety.

    In my part of the universe, (32 kms from Kolkata), middleclass matrons label an uppity sari-clad soul as *proudy*.
    Also, sugar is *ssugaar*. Hobeyna, du paa durey durey mishtir dokaan.

    At first, my tongue used to itch to correct my compatriots. Now that I am older and hopefully wiser, I simply enjoy the seven colours of the rainbow.

  31. @Chetan: Lucky that Gawker kept a copy for this amazing bit of prose.

    @Confused: Well it worked. They edited it.

    @Crucifire: It was??

    @Ibu Hatela: Egypt? By the way didnt Prabhuji make you Ibu Katela?

    @Dhananjay: A mere miscuzzi.

    @Nishit: Or the editor was having some wetty dreams of his own.

    @Shan: Seems to have hit home.

    @Samit: Very true. Style suits substance. Maybe HTT had gone Onion on us—or maybe some harried journo who had been asked to write such an idiotic piece by his boss thought:” Wait I am going to write this exactly as moronically as it deserves”

    @jEDI: You mean I wrote that? I wish—-it was amazing humor.

    @Anon Coward: Lovely—-they do it for the kids.

    @Youfan: Dont know. I wish I did. However the issue of “respect” is subjective and needs to be clearly defined.

    @Shri: Yes sir. Please do.

    @Smith: 🙂

    @Mukul: Then what is it? A blog? A bulletin board? A webpage? I know its a tabloid (hence dont have an issue with the content) but the language??

    @Ash: Thank you

    @Aby: No I really did not.

    @Just Mohit: I wonder what it does have to do with them….

    @Tarzan: Hey cheetah get bananana, hey monkey get funky.

    @BongoPondit: Oh of course they have every right—this is Indian English as distinct from US English and UK English. The Queen’s English is an imperialist abomination.

    @Shrik: Perhaps.

    @Suyog: 🙂

    @SEV: It truly is. Wonder why they edited it.

    @Vikas: Thanks for pointing it out. Have updated my post as a result.

    @Arun: Go to gawker’s blog from the link in the post. It’s still there in its full glory.

    @Sanjay: Not all of it is in quotes.

    @Joy Forever: Do I miss anything in the world? You should be asking yourself that question because I am you. Remember? Silly silly….

    @Swati: Ya ssugaar… it.

  32. Hmm. Funny indeed. Reminded me of a friend in 10 who thought that the girl he took English tuition from wanted to sleep with him. He asked us one day, “ei bolna…ingreji te eta bola ki thik hobe…escuse me maam…can i sess witu”; or the art teacher who wanted me to pass on the glass to him…”Please increase the glass” (gelas ta bariye dao na).

  33. This is not fair. You called me tarzan. What is a tarzan without jane? 😦
    tsk tsk 😦

  34. @GB: No I didnt mean it was you. I meant someone somewhere in the chain might have hehe..
    On an unrelated note, your Pak poster totally rocks man! ROFL!


  35. Sanjay, you really think journos pay attention to the ACTUAL WORDS used by a celeb when they are answering an interview or giving a quote? It’s all paraphrasing, my dear, so if you see a celeb quote that suddenly sounds extremely intelligent and erudite, be sure the journo who took it is either Jabberwock or me. 😀

  36. Wery wetty indeed. Did you read Megha’s ( post on her current stalker’s emails? He goes rabid over feminists, but it’s ok, he’ll give her another chance because it’s not her fault she doesn’t know better. If you haven’t, do check it out.

    He goes on further, and comments on her post and what other readers said about it. The sarcasm there is killing.

  37. Totally agree with Samit. It makes perfect sense as the message very often reveals the nature of the medium..:)))). Awesome post.

  38. YOURFAN writes:
    @Joy Forever: You wrote: “No need to start a fight over this… more so because, according to some people you and I are probably just GB’s different avatars!” It is hilarious that people who can’t accept that there may be people who usually (not always) support GB’ views think that all of them must be actually one person. And that person is nobody but GB in disguise for different avatars. But I am a bit confused. GB wrote in his comment to previous post that mine and Bonatellis comments will go on moderation because of Raj Mehta’s IP being blocked. Why did GB mention Bonatellis not yourfan2 because yourfan2 commented? Are you yourfan2 –changed the name? I don’t think so because if my memory serves me right, I have seen both your and yourfan2’s separate comments in same post. Please clear my confusion. But let me tell you that whoever you are – because of having similar opinion on MOST of the things, I sure am delighted to be clubbed with you in one category. Who does not want to be in like minded people’s company?

  39. I guess this exonerates me of any and all guffaws I would ever make on my fledling blog. Woot!

    PS: I know a kid in the 4th grade who would like a job writing such wonderful articles. Where should he apply?

    Shameless Blog plug:

  40. @YOURFAN: I’m a bit confused too… I haven’t seen Bonatelli’s comments anywhere in this blog. You and YOURFAN2 are quite well known, of course. I’m not Bonatelli. I’m Joy Forever, and have been using the same name since I started my blog. Before that, I used to comment using my real name (which is not Bonatellis). If you click on my name and go to my blog, you can see my real name too. 😉
    And was that last sentence meant for me? or Bonatellis? If it’s me then let me say that the pleasure is entirely mine. Thanks for being delighted… 🙂

  41. @Joy Forever: This should clear out any confusion.

  42. I just went through the blog and read some of the comments regarding the diminishing standards of HTT however on visiting the particular section I saw that it was a part of the TABLOID section…and suddenly this article does not seem to be really bad (what more do you expect out of tabloid). Stating that the newspaper’s bad coz of its tabloid section does sound naive to me. Regarding the quality of english used its obviously not of the highest kind, its more of a copy and paste job. If you see more of that section there are several categories like fashion crime sports etc and all of these have spicy stories collected from all over the world so this is absolutely not an example of journalism its more of an example of perfect tabloidism (it thats a word haha.).

  43. @yourfan2: 🙂

    @Ferrari: I shall leave the procurement of Jane upto you.

    @jEDI: Thank you…

    @Sue: Shall do. Thanks for the pointer.

    @Abhijit: Absolutely.

    @dangit: Sure does.

    @John Galt: If you had read the post itself, the word “tabloid” is mentioned there. And no sir this is not a copy paste job—-in the case it is I would like to know the source (and the language used there). The problem is not the theme (which is apposite for a tabloid) but to the horrible quality of English. A fact borne out by the fact that HT edited the piece subsequently. As a matter of fact, I dont know if you read the original piece (again link in blog) or the edited sanitized version which is now there.

  44. yourfan: u’ve made a comment reg me … what is it that u are referring to??? i’ve been unable to visit this blog in some time due to work pressure …

  45. btw, does anyone recall who is the author … i do subscribe to HT but have missed this …

  46. What do you have to say about this –

    Shakti Kapoor thrown out of Marriot for urinating in the swimming pool.

  47. YOURFAN writes:
    @ Joy Forever: Yes, the last 3 lines were definitely meant for YOU. I also clicked on the link that GB provided for you and I got the whole article on Buddha. But I think what you should be reading for clearing up the confusion is the last reply that GB made to me (greatbong May 14th, 2006 at 1:25 am – just before S. Pyne’s comment)on his article on Buddha. That explains the problem.

    Sugata, I liked you profile specially the part “Hometown Hooghly” and “Life has more or less been a joyful experience for me.” because you have a very positive attitude (I am sure you must have some not so good experiences in life – but did not let that bother you) and not forgetting your hometown which is not as famous/prestigious/snobbish as Delhi, Kolkata, Chennai or Mumbai etc.

  48. The link leads to a dead page. I am a TOI hater as well, saw through them the day they started publishing and distributing in Hyderabad.

  49. @GB: Aah… confusion’s cleared up now! But by the way, I and my flat mate use the same IP (on different computers). He sometimes comments on your blog as well. This kind of a situation can be a bit tricky for you…
    @YOURFAN: Thanks! Keep visiting! 🙂

  50. @GB,
    Regarding IP addresses, I think many people might be commenting from an office building, with one proxy server. In that case, IP addresses *might* appear to be common for more than one commentors from the same office. And if it happens to be something like a floor on TCS or HCL, there are approx 200 (or more) people on the floor.

    Also, my web hit counter shows me to be in Chennai, where I am not :). What does your show me to be in. In my previous company, it showed me to be in NewYork. Our network was directly connected to the clients. And we were the only team in the company to have unlimited internet access 😀 because of this.

  51. @Anon: Saw that many days ago…

    @Aravind: Thanks. Updated.

    @Satish: Yes I understand. (I just find it tough to accept that my blog, which is not rediff or TOI, can be read by more than one person out of 200 who are sharing the same IP ) My web hit counter shows you to be from Pune….

  52. Ok. I am in Pune, your webstat tool is better. Mine (sitemeter on blogspot) doesnt work that well then. It tells me that I am in Chennai.

  53. Just thought I must not bring undue bad publicity to sitemeter on google blogspot. It works absolutely fine on my friends (or people I know) who visit my blog. It pinpoints them correctly, but for me, it somehow does not work. We have a leased line from a Pacific Internet gateway.

  54. neighbourhood special–

    —rongtulitey panchu

    is ht/toi interested in this painter of signs?

  55. Gr8TBong Da,
    bheri bheri naish & phunny posht.

    @ Swati: The ‘Painter Panchu’ Ad was hilarious.

  56. @GB: Great observation as always. I am a new to the comments section and I am not sure if you will read this since its an old post…
    But I simply had to share this..

    I just saw a sign in Ooty, which read:
    ‘Hotel Ooty Sarvanas’

    Now doesn’t that read like the Bong word ‘sarvanas’ (read doom) and ironically they have a casino in there 😉
    Funny what punctuation and grammar or the lack of it can do.

  57. rnetmwhfi hgqcjp qdwxtybl dybpefox iuxerct zgpfymkw tlrbksyd

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