The GreatBong Achievement Awards 2006

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Since the year end is approaching, it is time to continue with more of Greatbong’s annual awards for 2006. Readers may already recall the conferral of the “Howitzer” prize for excellence in journalism 2006 to IndiaDaily. Here are some more achievement awards, in the same vein.

Hillary Clinton Award for Best Wife, 2006:

Winner: Suzanne Khan, wife of Hrithik Roshan.

Reason: When Hrithik was doing the scandalous, totally vulgar and Indian-culture-destroying kissing scene with Aishwarya Rai , a lot of people would have been asking as to how Suzanne Khan, Hrithik’s wife would be feeling about this wanton display of celluloid lust. If she had been any other wife, then she would be burning with jealousy and either throwing pots and pans or calling her lawyer. But then Greatbong Award Winners are not like “any other” people.

Here is what she did:

Ask Hrithik about his take on the entire issue and he says, “It’s preposterous, people are unnecessarily making a big deal. Some sections of the media just love sensational headlines. While doing the scene, all I knew was that I had to answer the challenge set by Sussanne.

She said, ‘If you are going to do the kiss, make sure it’s the best goddamn kiss in the world.’

Eventually, both Sussanne and I loved the kiss.”

Can you imagine that ! A wife encouraging her husband to give another woman the best kiss in the world and then sitting back and enjoying the spectacle ! Now for all ladies who are reading this, it’s things like these that show how much you love your husband (as opposed to giving him a tie or a perfume gift set) in addition to making you eligible for a Greatbong Award.

Renuka Chowdhury Award for Best Husband, 2006:

Winner: Viren (not his actual name)

Reason: In an article on Indian lesbians in the Telegraph, we encountered Viren: an unfortunate husband whose wife is a raging lesbian. While the usual husband would have cursed his misfortune and moved away from his alienated wife, Viren has acted otherwise. And with such amazing selflessness and a façade of happiness (for the sake of his wife) that it is difficult not to get moist. In the eyes.

There are some, though, like Persis’s husband, Viren, who support their wives’ sexual orientation. Viren, while claiming to be very happy, will allow her to have sex with a woman if he is there to watch them — because, he claims, he cares for her safety. “It’s okay as long as it doesn’t disturb our family life — as long as I get my meals on time and my extended family doesn’t get to know about it,” he says.

To an outsider, the couple professes undying love and trust. And yet, Persis repeatedly stresses the warmth and “unconditional love” that she experiences in a woman’s arms. And the sex with a woman is “incomparable,” she says. “Only a woman can know my erogenous zones,” she says, smiling at a sheepish Viren, who, recently, witnessed one such ecstatic encounter between Persis and a German tourist in Goa.

Touching ! This man only wants to watch his wife make love to another woman because he is concerned about her safety, despite how it breaks him to see these distasteful acts. Such devotion to one’s wife’s well-being would melt the heart of even Renuka Chowdhury. It has certainly melted the Greatbong’s which is why Viren is the Best Husband of 2006.

Let’s all stand up and applaud.

Sushma Swaraj Award for Best Moral Guardian, 2006:

Winner: Mr. Dwivedi

Reason: On dreary thunderous nights, when the howling wind and the insistent rain beat on my windowpane like a ghost army thumping the gates of an enemy castle, when all the lamps have been extinguished by the cold breath of darkness, I rest in peace knowing that even on nights such as these there are still brave men awake and ever vigilant , protecting me from the terrors of the outside world.

I am talking about crusaders like Mr. Dwivedi, who according to this article has been fighting against each and every injustice he has encountered in his life through the weapon of litigation: Dharmendra’s second marriage, MF Hussain’s paintings and Hrithik Roshan’s kisses, thus protecting us from the depredations of debauchery.

Thank you sir for bringing libertines like Hrithik Roshan (who seek to suck out the saliva of Indian culture) to justice. Now if you could only litigate against Uday Chopra and prevent him from acting in any other movie, you can wrap up this award for next year too.

Carolus Linnaeus Award For Proper Taxonomy, 2006:

Winner: JuxtConsult

Reason: Carolus Linnaeus is the father of taxonomy or the science of classification. In a world full of information, proper taxonomy is essential if we are to make any sense of what’s going on around us. This year’s award for taxonomy goes to Juxtconsult for their study reported here that confirms something that many of us had doubted for some time.

Indiatimes.com and worldsex.com complete the list of top five websites for adult content on the web.

In other words, Indiatimes is now formally classified as an adult site on the lines of worldsex. We need to thank and award NewMedia for making the phylum of Indiatimes official. Netnanny and Cyberpatrol, kindly take note.

President Pinocchio Musharaff Award For Honesty and Integrity, 2006:

Winner: Arundhati Roy.

Reason: Arundhati Roy exhibited a lot of integrity in 2006. On one hand, she protested against imperialism, railed and ranted against the war criminal country India exposing nefarious conspiracies of the government, campaigned for the release of convicted terrorists and protested, with never an eye to the camera or the foreign press, against the barbaric uprooting of tribals from their land. And then in a gesture of honesty that would make the Mushy General proud, she and her husband were found land-grabbing from tribals themselves for the purpose of their lavish, proletariat, non-imperialist bungalows.

Notices have been issued to some noted personalities, including film maker Pradeep Kishan, asking them to remove alleged encroachment on land of a poor tribal at Vaariaam village, around three km from Pachmarhi near in Hoshangabad, officials said.

The tribal, Vijay Singh, had submitted an affidavit before the Tehsildar court accusing Kishan, noted writer Vikram Seth’s sister Aaradhana Seth and Forest department officials Nishikant Jadhav and JC Sharma of encroaching on his land to construct road leading to their lavish bungalows on the lakeside, the officials said.

The allegations were found true after a probe following which notices were issued asking them to remove the encroachment, they said.

Honourable Mention: The Pakistani cricket board for first banning Shoaib Akthar and Mohammed Asif for illegal drug use and in a typically honest fashion, overturning the conviction once they realized that their cricket team would really suffer as a result, reminding us of the Justice Qayyum report that basically found almost all Pakistani players guilty of match fixing but punished only an almost-retired Salim Malik and non-entity Ata-ur-Rehman.

Ineligible: President Pinocchio himself since the prize is named after him. Else he would have been a shoo-in for this award for his honest book “In the Line of Fire” where he talked about how India started the Kargil war and Pakistan army showed its true strength by defeating us there.

[More Greatbong Achievement Awards, 2006 here]

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45 thoughts on “The GreatBong Achievement Awards 2006

  1. Award for Best Moral Guardian, 2006

    should instead go to Salman Khan (http://cities.expressindia.com/fullstory.php?newsid=212380) for coming out with these loquacious quotes

    “Except my mother and sisters, I don’t treat my women well. If you think this is discriminatory behaviour, then you can become my sister.” “In the 16 years of my career, I’ve only grown in age and not in my acting ability.” “I love playing the good son in all my movies because that’s a good thing to do. And if you ask me, what it takes to be a good son in real life, then I’ll say just sign a film like Baabul.” “I don’t like to do films that focus on sex or cleavage. Except of course, if it’s my own chest.”

    A true champion of all sisters and mothers in the world , and unfortunately if you are not his sister or mother you are f*cked I am sure Aishwarya,Somy,Sangeet,Katrina and many others would second me on this. So with such high moral values I dont think we need to look further than the great Salman for being a true Moral Guardian.

  2. @Guru: That is not moral guardianship. A moral guardian is someone who likes to look after the moral health of others, regardless of whether they want to be looked after or not. The quoted lines of Salman are lines of honesty/self-derision….something most Bollywood types find tough to do .

  3. hillary clinton award was way over the top, a 5 sec long kissing scene in a movie doesnt seem to be a big deal by any stretch of anyones imagination (unless of course you are dwivedi or the RSS), so why waste an award for that??
    unless of course u were trying to be ultra-sarcastic!

  4. @Giri: Heh.

    @Sam: Now based on the general tone of this post, that is sarcastic I presume…making me the worst blog?

    @Jhantu: Forgive me dear friend. But by the standards of the backwaters where I come from, wives and girlfriends (who do not need to be RSS or VHP) do not really wholeheartedly endorse (rather cheerlead) a 5 nano-second kiss with another lady for whatever reason… So when you say “any stretch of imagination” do kindly speak for yourself….

    Yes we know that filmstars do intimate scenes and that is part of their job but what Mr Roshan says about the cheerleading tone of his wife (as opposed to acceptance) still does sound kind of ….mmm….weird (again based on of course my non-rocking, conservative upbringing)

    @Paul: Emm…good morning to Jhantu?—should this not go on his blog or in a chat session with him?

  5. I’m sure she’ll get over the kissing thing with a nice fat stone on her ring finger, or perhaps a vacation somewhere exotic.
    Seriously, she could care less, her husband is the money-maker. And even if she doesn’t you got the Hillary Clinton thing down.
    I don’t get it bong. What’s so wrong about watching (only watching…) while your wife goes diving on a german tourist…
    melting..what melting? HEY! Hands where I can see ’em!

    Mr. Dwivedi needs to get himself a lesbian wife. At least put him in a cage match with Arundhati Roy.

  6. Wow greatbong that story about Viren was really ‘touching’ to the extreme. This is one person who also qualifies for Shakti Kapoor – ‘Make the best of a bad situation award’. This guy just went from being a bored middle class husband to being one of the luckiest people living in the blink of an eye.

    Even mithunda wuld approve

  7. @ Arnab :

    If Suzanne Khan can be the winner of the Hillary Clinton Award for Best Wife, 2006, Abhishek Bachchan should most definitely win the Award for Best Boyfriend, 2006 for the same reason and in the context of the same scene. 🙂
    Although we are sure (Abhishek too is I presume) that Ms Rai had been involved in numerous ‘exciting activities’ like this with her ex-boyfriends (Sallu, Viveik and may be a few others) in her real life before this, he truly deserves this award for showing his extra-ordinary courage and patience to go through and witness such a sequence which he knew would be watched by millions including his parents.

  8. Damn!!! This guy Dwivedi has opened my eyes!
    I am so damn inspired by him now that I am contemplating filing a case against the Income Tax Department for taking away a large chunk of my hard-earned money every month to make sure politicians get the best cars, best guest houses and exotic ‘educational’ foreign trips.
    Enough of seeing TDS as the largest component in my payslip every month !!!

  9. It’s not fair Greatbong. You left out so many great people–Mamata Banerjee, Subhas Chakraborty,Rahul Dravid, Greg Chappel, Kiran More, Rahul Mahajan……

    More categories please!!!

  10. Pingback: The Acorn » No weapons in Parliament

  11. I have been reading most of your blogs and I must say I find most of them outrightly hilarious……….this one’s no exception 🙂

  12. “This man only wants to watch his wife make love to another woman because he is concerned about her safety” .
    Jesus!! Have they tried to find out if he was gay?

    FYI: This is Ali. Posting under my blog name because someone else also comments on your site with my name.

  13. Isnt there any award for our dear gentle doctor PM? From Pak being a victim of terror to “this is the best we could get” to changing goalposts in the N-deal to the recent who should have the first claim to resources, our man is going great. I leave it to your witty self to decide what award to give him 🙂

  14. What! No award in the name of Prabhuji? Not even a lifetime Achievement Award of some kind?

    Speaking of Lifetime achievement awards, heard recently…at one of those award functions, Ekta Kapoor was awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award!

    No mention of Rahul Mahajan (The Bhishm Pitamah Agyakari Putra award?), Reshammiyya (The Hrithik Roshan Award for Nasal Achievement?), Amitabh Bachchan (The British Empire Award for Omnipresence?)…

    A Follow-up is strongly requested and hoped for…

  15. this is bad that there were no category for readers’ choice:( we, the readers,should also be given the opportunity to vote, may be, thru sms polls 🙂
    you can have another category like true indian, sports of the year,etc etc

  16. excuse mehee to please, i think (due to public demand) we need a separate post for bollywood awards -only-.
    or possibly more categories in the current post… maybe a follow up?

  17. Wonderful, as usual…. enjoyed reading it..

    A minor point: In the last category of ineligible, it should be Prez Mush and not Pinocchio.

  18. @GB

    A humble addition to your Great Bong Achievement Awards 2006.

    The Aamir Khan Award for the Best Method Acting Performance (Female)
    Mamata Banerjee (for her pathbreaking performance as the fasting politician in “Fast and Furious”-Dharmatala Drift)

    The Bono Award for the Celebrity with Involvement in the the Highest number of Causes
    Arundhuti Roy (for her astounding role in “Pro Bono – Saving Mohammed Afzal”)

    The Billy Bob Thornton-Angelina Jolie Award for the Strangest Bedfellows Ensemble Performance
    CPI-ML and BJP (for their memorable performances in “25 kms from Singur”)

  19. @GB, hahahhahaha. hoho…..hehe 🙂

    btw, why no nominations? that would be fun reading too.

    There should be a category for ‘Best Costume’ too. Carol-ji would have won hands down 😉

  20. @Anangbhai: The Kobe Bryant way of spouse placation you mean?

    @Sam: Thank you

    @Simon: “bad situation”? He has a great situation…the lucky bastard.

    @deBOLiN: But the kiss is so tepid….I mean really !

    @Sang.Froid: We will get him to do a “tribute to Amitabh” dance..

    @Suyog: Prabhuji cannot be awarded..he is simply way too high for that. Chingari may make an appearance in my “Best Movies of 2006′ post.

    @Pegasus: Thank you for the suggestion.

    @Anirban: Coming up !

    @AB: Thank you

    @Arnab: Heh.

    @RK: Thanks

    @Lalbadshah: No I am sure he is not. He seems to be enjoying the situation…just like any normal guy.

    @Vulturo: Yes some people have alll the luck.

    @Sriram: Mm….still to make award category. But does warrant a post.

    @EducatedUnemployed: 🙂

    @Tintin: Followup …is coming saar.

    @Bakarchod: Aaah many many posts would be needed.

    @Clairvoyant: Hmm

    @Nishit: Yes don’t we all !

    @Amardeep: Thank you

    @Perspective Inc: 🙂

    @Sang.Froid: As mentioned before, a few more awards…though not specifically Bollywood.

    @Rima: Thank you

    @Pramit: And thank you too.

    @Vinayak: Over here, we call Prez Mush as Pinocchio since they both have an allergy to the truth.

    @Rahul Ghosh: Dharmatala Drift is nice !

    @Asterix: Most tragic accident surely.

    @Anonymous: Gets too much attention already….

  21. Pingback: More GreatBong Achievement Awards 2006 at Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind

  22. Choices were overall decent, however I would have to change my vote in regards to Best Wife to Masha Lopatova – NBA player, Andrei Kirelenko’s wife:

    “What’s forbidden is always desirable. And athletes, particularly men, are susceptible to all the things they are offered,” Lopatova said. “It’s the same way raising children – If I tell my child, ‘No pizza, no pizza, no pizza,’ what does he want more than anything? Pizza.”

    http://www.sltrib.com/sports/ci_3561131

    Regards,

    ekdo3

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