Since the year end is approaching, it is time to continue with more of Greatbong’s annual awards for 2006. Readers may already recall the conferral of the “Howitzer” prize for excellence in journalism 2006 to IndiaDaily. Here are some more achievement awards, in the same vein.
Hillary Clinton Award for Best Wife, 2006:
Winner: Suzanne Khan, wife of Hrithik Roshan.
Reason: When Hrithik was doing the scandalous, totally vulgar and Indian-culture-destroying kissing scene with Aishwarya Rai , a lot of people would have been asking as to how Suzanne Khan, Hrithik’s wife would be feeling about this wanton display of celluloid lust. If she had been any other wife, then she would be burning with jealousy and either throwing pots and pans or calling her lawyer. But then Greatbong Award Winners are not like “any other” people.
Ask Hrithik about his take on the entire issue and he says, â€œItâ€™s preposterous, people are unnecessarily making a big deal. Some sections of the media just love sensational headlines. While doing the scene, all I knew was that I had to answer the challenge set by Sussanne.
She said, â€˜If you are going to do the kiss, make sure itâ€™s the best goddamn kiss in the world.â€™
Eventually, both Sussanne and I loved the kiss.â€
Can you imagine that ! A wife encouraging her husband to give another woman the best kiss in the world and then sitting back and enjoying the spectacle ! Now for all ladies who are reading this, it’s things like these that show how much you love your husband (as opposed to giving him a tie or a perfume gift set) in addition to making you eligible for a Greatbong Award.
Renuka Chowdhury Award for Best Husband, 2006:
Winner: Viren (not his actual name)
Reason: In an article on Indian lesbians in the Telegraph, we encountered Viren: an unfortunate husband whose wife is a raging lesbian. While the usual husband would have cursed his misfortune and moved away from his alienated wife, Viren has acted otherwise. And with such amazing selflessness and a faÃ§ade of happiness (for the sake of his wife) that it is difficult not to get moist. In the eyes.
There are some, though, like Persisâ€™s husband, Viren, who support their wivesâ€™ sexual orientation. Viren, while claiming to be very happy, will allow her to have sex with a woman if he is there to watch them â€” because, he claims, he cares for her safety. â€œItâ€™s okay as long as it doesnâ€™t disturb our family life â€” as long as I get my meals on time and my extended family doesnâ€™t get to know about it,â€ he says.
To an outsider, the couple professes undying love and trust. And yet, Persis repeatedly stresses the warmth and â€œunconditional loveâ€ that she experiences in a womanâ€™s arms. And the sex with a woman is â€œincomparable,â€ she says. â€œOnly a woman can know my erogenous zones,â€ she says, smiling at a sheepish Viren, who, recently, witnessed one such ecstatic encounter between Persis and a German tourist in Goa.
Touching ! This man only wants to watch his wife make love to another woman because he is concerned about her safety, despite how it breaks him to see these distasteful acts. Such devotion to one’s wife’s well-being would melt the heart of even Renuka Chowdhury. It has certainly melted the Greatbong’s which is why Viren is the Best Husband of 2006.
Let’s all stand up and applaud.
Sushma Swaraj Award for Best Moral Guardian, 2006:
Winner: Mr. Dwivedi
Reason: On dreary thunderous nights, when the howling wind and the insistent rain beat on my windowpane like a ghost army thumping the gates of an enemy castle, when all the lamps have been extinguished by the cold breath of darkness, I rest in peace knowing that even on nights such as these there are still brave men awake and ever vigilant , protecting me from the terrors of the outside world.
I am talking about crusaders like Mr. Dwivedi, who according to this article has been fighting against each and every injustice he has encountered in his life through the weapon of litigation: Dharmendra’s second marriage, MF Hussain’s paintings and Hrithik Roshan’s kisses, thus protecting us from the depredations of debauchery.
Thank you sir for bringing libertines like Hrithik Roshan (who seek to suck out the saliva of Indian culture) to justice. Now if you could only litigate against Uday Chopra and prevent him from acting in any other movie, you can wrap up this award for next year too.
Carolus Linnaeus Award For Proper Taxonomy, 2006:
Reason: Carolus Linnaeus is the father of taxonomy or the science of classification. In a world full of information, proper taxonomy is essential if we are to make any sense of what’s going on around us. This year’s award for taxonomy goes to Juxtconsult for their study reported here that confirms something that many of us had doubted for some time.
Indiatimes.com and worldsex.com complete the list of top five websites for adult content on the web.
In other words, Indiatimes is now formally classified as an adult site on the lines of worldsex. We need to thank and award NewMedia for making the phylum of Indiatimes official. Netnanny and Cyberpatrol, kindly take note.
President Pinocchio Musharaff Award For Honesty and Integrity, 2006:
Winner: Arundhati Roy.
Reason: Arundhati Roy exhibited a lot of integrity in 2006. On one hand, she protested against imperialism, railed and ranted against the war criminal country India exposing nefarious conspiracies of the government, campaigned for the release of convicted terrorists and protested, with never an eye to the camera or the foreign press, against the barbaric uprooting of tribals from their land. And then in a gesture of honesty that would make the Mushy General proud, she and her husband were found land-grabbing from tribals themselves for the purpose of their lavish, proletariat, non-imperialist bungalows.
Notices have been issued to some noted personalities, including film maker Pradeep Kishan, asking them to remove alleged encroachment on land of a poor tribal at Vaariaam village, around three km from Pachmarhi near in Hoshangabad, officials said.
The tribal, Vijay Singh, had submitted an affidavit before the Tehsildar court accusing Kishan, noted writer Vikram Seth’s sister Aaradhana Seth and Forest department officials Nishikant Jadhav and JC Sharma of encroaching on his land to construct road leading to their lavish bungalows on the lakeside, the officials said.
The allegations were found true after a probe following which notices were issued asking them to remove the encroachment, they said.
Honourable Mention: The Pakistani cricket board for first banning Shoaib Akthar and Mohammed Asif for illegal drug use and in a typically honest fashion, overturning the conviction once they realized that their cricket team would really suffer as a result, reminding us of the Justice Qayyum report that basically found almost all Pakistani players guilty of match fixing but punished only an almost-retired Salim Malik and non-entity Ata-ur-Rehman.
Ineligible: President Pinocchio himself since the prize is named after him. Else he would have been a shoo-in for this award for his honest book “In the Line of Fire” where he talked about how India started the Kargil war and Pakistan army showed its true strength by defeating us there.