Yellow Very Yellow

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“Welcome to “Yellow Very Yellow“, GBTV’s current affairs program where we analyse the most significant events taking place in today’s world: events that will shape your future as well as of your grandkid’s. Tonight our topic of discussion is the Abhishek-Aishwarya wedding and our panel consists of noted style guru Ritu’s Berries, historian Ramleela Thappad and socialite Bushel Seth.

First Ritu’s Berries. What the Bachchans do today, the Khans do tomorrow. So what is your assessment of the style quotient at the Abhi-Ash marriage? The hits, the misses and the blunders?”

Ritu’s Berries: “Dahling, it was one blundah aftah another.

Firstly look at the picture to the left….what gaudiness. I think they took that background off the sets of Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana. I know that this is a Ram-Sita jodi with even a Amar Hanuman Singh being present but why this garish strip-club-ian décor?

And what’s with the green jellybeans Abhishek is wearing? And the beard —was that to hide the double chin? ”

“So you would give them a thumbs down for fashion?”

Ritu’s Berries: “Absolutely. Even ‘Umrao Jaan’ is heavenly compared to this visual assault. But of course the unmitigated style disaster of the wedding was none other than our very own angry middle-aged man Ajay Devgun. Whether it be because of the sinking realization that Kajol and he are no longer the first destination for advertisers who want to show a cute celeb couple or because he was under the misimpression that he would be stripping at the bachelorette party, Ajay Devgun got this hopelessly wrong. I am not a conservative person but even I think that the moral foundations of our nation are under attack from this wanton display of man-cleavage.”

“Thank you, Ritu’s Berries. We are now joined by our local correspondent Bekar Singh who has been standing there outside the wedding along with the teeming multitude feeling the pulse of the populace. ”

Bekar: ” Yes. The mood here has been electric for the last few days. And the buzz is all about the “duplicates”. First there was this Salman Khan-lookalike whose appearance at the sangeet sent both Aishwarya and pavement-dwellers into paroxysms of terror. Then there was this duplicate of Amitabh Bachchan who entertained the crowd through their long vigil. But the most brazen of them all was a Abhishek Bachchan clone in a white Mercedes who actually got past the security guards and would have made it into Aishwarya’s chambers where God knows how her purity would have been affected had it not been for the alertness of the neighbours.

While most of the media concerned themselves with the big-names,the Sanjay Dutts and the Amar Singhs, as a GBTV correspondent my focus was on the real people who had invited themselves to the biggest party in town based on the kinship each of us feel towards the rich and famous. Even the fact that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it was for them to enter the kingdom of B did little to dampen their hopes.

Meet Munshi Khan Pathan, the director of the Gujrati remake of Sunny Deol’s “Ghayal” and a self-confessed habitual blesser.

Munshi Khan Pathan and brother-in-law Amin Khan had tried to bless the bride on Thursday night but were stopped by the security personnel. But the duo are undeterred.

“I am all set to barge in and bless her. They didn’t let me inside tonight. But they can’t stop me at the wedding,” says Munshi who hails from Gomatipur, Ahmedabad.

And meet Prakash Pandey, owner of Thagoo ke Laddoo, who came with 51 kgs of special laddoos for the bride and groom, after being given a grand send-off from his hometown of Kanpur by a band of hijras.

Pandey has not received an invitation for the wedding, believed to be held in the presence of a small group of friends and relatives. But that has not deterred him one bit. He is “determined to get in”; and is “confident” that he would be “allowed in”.

Pandey claimed at the Kanpur Central railway station on Tuesday that is “close” to the Bachchans, including Abhishek. He said Abhishek had visited his shop during the shooting of Bunty Aur Babli, and that Junior B appreciated his laddoos.

He said he does not need an official invitation to be part of the wedding programme.

Pandey said he would sit on dharna outside the wedding venue if he were to be denied entry.

Pandey’s family, relatives and a group of eunuchs saw him off at the station today. Dancing to the tunes of a band, Pandey and his associates said the Bachchan family, originally from Uttar Pradesh, has brought fame to the people of the state.

Incidentally on the subject of hijras, there was some heartburn in the Hijra community as 100 eunuchs were taken into protective custody to prevent them from attending the wedding of a man whose father gave them their rallying cry: “Mere angane main tumhara kya kaam hain”.

What is inspiring is that some people, even though upset at not being invited for the wedding, have started making arrangements for the birth of the first child of this divine couple.

Renowned shehnai player Ustad Jamin Hussain has composed a tune to be played to mark the birth of the child of newly-wed actors Abhishek Bachchan and Aiswarya Rai.

The composition titled “Ganga dware badhaiyan baaje” would be played at that time after going to Mumbai, said Jamin Hussain, the son of legendary shenai player Ustad Bismillah Khan.

Jamin Hussain said he would be disappointed throughout his life that Amitabh Bachchan did not invite him for playing shehnai on the occasion of Abhishek’s marriage.

Mm…Bekar…there seemed to have been some commotion at the gates of the Bachchan residence when a certain Jahnavi Kapoor slit her wrists claiming to have been promised marriage by little B”

Bekar: “Yes. Insiders were apprehensive about trouble that Abhishek and Aishwarya’s ex-es, whose number could fill up a small stadium, could cause at the wedding. Most concern was about Viveik Oberoi who fortunately spent the day mourning at temples, heart-broken by the fact that he was being cast as a villain in a forthcoming biopic about the Great Aishwarya and mercifully did not call any tearful press-conferences. Nor was their any kind of offensive behaviour from Aishwarya’s first husband, the peepul tree, who did nothing more than sway his branches in the breeze in impotent anger. Kind of like Karishma Kapoor.

However the problem came from most unexpected quarters. From this item number girl who had taken the song “Dus bahane karke le gaye dil” (where she shared screen space with AB junior) a bit too literally. Well I would not consider this as totally unexpected as the Big B had to also put up with a suicidal Parveen Babi and if anyone in the world has the genetic makeup to deal with women slitting their wrists in front of their wedding hall, I would say it’s Abhishek.

Well, at least it can be said that Aishwarya’s fans have taken this blow much better. In this amazingly incisive bit of journalismfrom Rediff, we have a video-interview with one such fan.

Strict female voice: Have you ever dreamt of Aishwarya?

Male: Inaudible affirmation

Strict female voice: What was the dream like?

Male: It was a good dream. All I can say is that I was smiling after that dream.

As the Adnan Sami song goes “Bheegi bheegi raaton main, phir tum aao na” which for our non-Hindi audience means “In the wet wet night, please come again”.

“Thank you Bekar for that very illuminating round-up. Coming back to our studio, we have noted historian Ramleela Thappad on the line:

“Ms. Thappad, what is the significance of this event in the context of Indian history?”

Ramleela Thappad: “This is perhaps the most significant matrimonial alliance since Emperor Akbar married Rajput princess Hira Kunwari more popular as Jodhabai (incidentally this story is being made into a movie Jodhaa Akbar with Hrittik Roshan and Aishwarya Rai in the title roles where it seems Jodhaa Bai will tell Akbar: “Are you like checking me out?” before playing basketball in the rain.) With this wedding, the Bachchans have emerged as the single most powerful endorsement block: holding in its hand Big B, Little B and Plastic A. And if the offspring of Abh-Ash marries Sachin Tendulkar’s kid, then this could be become the greatest endorsement dynasty ever.”

“Interesting. Very interesting. However not everyone has been impressed by the Ash-Abhi wedding. We have with us Bushel Seth who does not even think it was the hottest party in the neighbourhood.”

Seth: “Absolutely. And I am not saying this because I was not invited. The most happening wedding was taking place elsewhere and let me tell you guys, this one was not about hangers-ons with no-life or desperately publicity-seeking actresses undergoing self-mutilation. No sir no. This was the real deal.

The invitation card promised a more ostentatious wedding than the Abhiash marriage the same day. However, the government-sponsored mass wedding of 101 poor girls in Sagar, Madhya Pradesh, has ended up ruffling feathers for the wrong reasons.

Too enthused about holding the wedding party of the year, Madhya Pradesh minister for cooperatives, Gopal Bhargava, has landed himself in a spot of bother by adding an erotic tribal dance number for the entertainment of the guests.

Bhargava invited thousands of people to the ceremony, promising zordaar (exciting) celebration.

“Please remember to come because on this day heroine Aishwarya Rai and actor Abhishek Bachchan will get married. This wedding will be no less: you will be able to decide which one is more colourful – Bachchan’s or of the poor girls,” read the invitation card.

The mass wedding was held under the state’s ‘Kanyadaan Yojana’ on ‘Akshaya Tritiya’, the day believed to be the most auspicious according to the Hindu calendar, in Garakota town.

Bhargava promised dance and fireworks. “Shaadi samaroh mein manoranjan ki vyavastha ki gayi hai (arrangements have been made for an entertainment programme in the marriage),” the host declared a tad boisterously.

That, however, was not to be, as the script that Bhargava thought he had neatly stitched up began to give away around midnight.

The entertainment turned into a nightmare when brawls erupted no sooner the Bedia tribals, who numbered around 100, began an erotic dance that simulated sexual movements.

The dance, which in its traditional form is called Rai, is usually performed by sex workers from the Bundelkhand region, and their first movements are lifting up the skirts and then lying on the stage, with suggestive thrusts and rhythms normally associated with copulation.

From 12 midnight until 4 am, the minister sat in the front row of the Mangal Shaadi Bhavan with more than 10,000 spectators watching the show.

Bhargava was also caught on camera taking out wads of Rs 500 notes and distributing them among the dancers. That was when the crowds went berserk and drunken brawls broke out. Ceremonial gunshots added to the melee.

“Wow, Mr. Seth. That sounds like some party. How interesting that this vulgar dance is called ‘Rai’ . Any ways, I would like to thank everyone for watching this edition of “Yellow very yellow” on India’s nastiest channel GBTV. Next week we take you into the world of call-girls, naughty MMSes and discuss why Celina Jaitley has been chosen to be Egypt’s brand ambassador (hint: pyramids) and also as a campaigner for the Congress (hint: noone else wants to) in the UP elections.

For now, this is your host singing off.

And as Abhishek seems to be saying in this picture to the left:

Keep it yellow.”

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54 thoughts on “Yellow Very Yellow

  1. Oh My God!! That was wicked and nasty GB.. Still Cannot pick myself up from the floor.. You just made yellow journalism a shade darker.. Sane comments may follow if I recover from this bout of ROFLMAO…. 😀

    Regards,
    Ganga

  2. GB, you nailed man..My wife noticed those ‘secretly leaked’ pix on ibnlive and pointed showed them to me. And I was like – fuck..this is what top money buys ? The so called neeta lulla or whatever ?…Makes you go – ‘wtf were they thinking’ ?

    ohh by the way, you missed out on abhishek putting mehndi on his hands pic..

    Such a big sham.

  3. With this wedding, the Bachchans have emerged as the single most powerful endorsement block: holding in its hand Big B, Little B and Plastic A. And if the offspring of Abh-Ash marries Sachin Tendulkar’s kid, then this could be become the greatest endorsement dynasty ever

    lmao lmao

  4. Wicked Very Wicked!
    but also True So True!
    and also Funny Very Funny!

    i can go on and on and on but I have work to do!

  5. Was that last picture of the piece taken during the “suhaag raat”?
    Historian Romila Thapar (Ramleela Thappad) was not given enough airtime. The communists will withdraw support to the Manmoham govt for that.

  6. “With this wedding, the Bachchans have emerged as the single most powerful endorsement block: holding in its hand Big B, Little B and Plastic A. And if the offspring of Abh-Ash marries Sachin Tendulkar’s kid, then this could be become the greatest endorsement dynasty ever.”

    this one’s off the map 😀

    doesn’t sachin have two kids? maybe the other one could try for a position in the gandhi dynasty.

  7. That Devgan picture is priceless !!

    They took that background off the sets of Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana.

    I think they took the leaf out of some orientalist caricature of India.

    Excellent stuff Arnab. Here is some follow up

    Tirupati temple staff cordoned almost 30,000 people out of the temple till the Bachchans and their caravan finished their darshan on Sunday.At least 20 women fainted and 10 suffered heat stroke as crowds did not move for almost five hours on Sunday morning.“It appears that in the name of security the queues were stopped outside the temple, almost 1 km from the deity. This is unheard of,” fumed state finance minister K. Rosaiah, who was hustled out in six minutes.Over 22,000 people are believed to have queued from Saturday afternoon and waited overnight for the Sunday darshan. By the time the Bachchans left the temple, the numbers had swelled to 30,000.“It took 12 hours for all the devotees to complete their darshan,”

    Even when the President and Prime Minister come calling, devotees are allowed inside the temple and are cordoned off only a few metres from the deity.“Such a security cordon is not created even for the PM,” he said.

    Another alleged the Anil Dhirubhai Ambani Group may have paid temple officials and securitymen almost Rs 15 lakh to get everything in order.

    [Link]

  8. GB,

    That was a hilarious take on this hyped event. Ajay Devgun seems to have gone nuts – that outfit made him look like a street ruffian! And yes, Abhi’s beard was totally out-of-place!

    BTW, did anyone happen to see Koffee with Karan with Jaya Bachchan and Shweta Nanda? Somehow the mother-daughter did not appear to be on good terms with each other – atleast thats what came through during the interview! And when Karan Johar, in his rapid fire round, asked Jaya about who came to her mind when you say “Man with a mission” – she promptly replied: “Vivek Oberoi”! I thought that was in bad taste – especially since the poor guy, after being unceremoniously dumped, has maintained a dignified silence!

  9. “As the Adnan Sami song goes “Bheegi bheegi raaton main, phir tum aao na” which for our non-Hindi audience means “In the wet wet night, please come again”.” ….. ha ha ha ….. priceless!

  10. Yourfan writes:
    My God, you have a fertile brain and this post is the brainchild of that fertility – specially the translation of that the Adnan Sami song!!!!!! Now, don’t you dare wisecrack my statement!!!

  11. Salman Khan-lookalike whose appearance at the sangeet sent both Aishwarya and pavement-dwellers into paroxysms of terror.

    That was awesome.
    About Amar Singh – One blogger (think it is the bangalore torpedo) had named Amar Singh as Forrest Gump. Just like Tom Hanks in that movie, Amar Singh can be seen in the background in a lot of totally unrelated historic moments. 🙂

  12. alot fof the initial images were taken by big b’s neighbour, and he was furios with him. the neighbour kept apologizing saying that he was sending the images to his sister in US, and the got intercepted by the internet…! big b was like ‘yeah right.’

    i kind of feel bad for abhi-ash, i mean the most important moment in your life, and it was turned into a circus.

  13. GB,
    Could not watch TV for the whole week. Nothing seemed to be more important than this. Given the type of income these guys have , I think it was a very low-profile wedding.

    The best part of your post is its title ‘Yellow Very Yellow’

  14. Absolutely top class write-up , GB ! Almost fell off my chair laughing. 🙂

    The whole tamasha was truely comic and provided much fodder for entertainment. From the overdecorated mare, to the sight of Abhishek gleefully peeping out of his sehera looking rather like a Mughal emperor in his (very uncool) beard, to that desperate CNN-IBN correspondent bravely trying to gatecrash into the wedding venue, it was all one great timepass for every Bachchan fan on this planet !

    The only saving grace was the fact that the extremely irritating Amar Singh had for once decided not to hog the limelight thus sparing us the sight of him plonked between the Bachchans all the time !!

  15. why Celina Jaitley has been chosen to be Egypt’s brand ambassador (hint: pyramids) and also as a campaigner for the Congress (hint: noone else wants to) in the UP elections.

    hahaaa..funny!

  16. wow, that was funny. very funny. 🙂
    did mr. devgan actually attend a wedding dressed like that??? or undressed like that? maybe he’s turning metrosexual, huh? 🙂

  17. i will have to go home and read this epic later tonight. just a small note (you need to read it like an american would) in response to “First Ritu’s Berries. What the Bachchans do today, the Khans do tomorrow”:

    maybe khan can do everything else, but can khan cancun? 🙂

    – s.b.

  18. You did not put the picture of Jaya Bhadhuri. She is literally wrapped in a golden foil with a gold shakle in her neck. She is looking horrible. What is wrong with her dressing sense? I used to like her much, pre KKKG days. As for AB junior, he is ugly anyway with or without jelly beans, kajra etc, the first picture says it all. Did they really have to dress like that to show off their wealth? I am still feeling bad for the bahu!

  19. Too good a post man. The best parts:-

    Yellow tint in the wedding – BTW, the pic of the couple looks like they came back from Mardi Gras with all the riff raff around their necks.

    Ajay devgan – looks like the scorned lover romeo.

    The Pyramids – ROFL

    The english translation of Adnan sami’s song – naughty

    Keep writing

  20. Awesome ! Awesome ! The Bachchan family, with its arrogance and insensitivity to others and retrogradeness, sucks bigtime.

  21. “With this wedding, the Bachchans have emerged as the single most powerful endorsement block:” make it embarassment block and you are bang on! India today is more impressed by gaudi Ramlila then subtle Madhusala

  22. And finally in an exclusive interview, Jayadi has confirmed the rumors that hiding somewhere in kallolini kolkata, the other famous Ritu has completely broken down. In a heartbreaking phone conversation, he was reportedly sobbing inconsolably and told Jayadi :
    tui-i bal..has anyone ever caressed Obhi’s body with so much love and desire? That ice queen evil bitch never even looks at him. Even my worst take has more chemistry with Obhi than those two will ever have together.”
    Jayadi did her best to do the impossible and said “I tried na, I even got a Thai SRS surgeon’s phone number from Bobby Darling, but you know Amit is not so progressive. He can’t even let Ash keep her maiden name and says “Rai Bachchan” reminds him too much of his father and makes him feel well… a little shorter”.
    Ritu understood –“Yeah, I don’t think I can ever work with Amit, all these tirupatis and mangoliks are so not cool. But what a voice, na? Maybe I will make him do some voiceovers, like Manikda did in Shatranj”.. wipes tears, frowns a little and thinks really hard .. “Jayadi, tor ki mone hoy, who is hotter, Manikda na Amit? Now that’s a hard one.”.
    Jayadi smiles a little and says “Yes, I can sense that something’s getting hard. very hard.”

  23. LOL the ramayana sets bit is SO true. no wonder i was getting this deja-vuish feeling looking at the pic. and why is abhishek dressed like the maharaja of awadh or similar.

    too much bling. you need sunglasses to look at the wedding pics 🙂

    too much GB…one of your best ever posts (ok. now i sound like paula abdul)

  24. Whoever said African Americans love bling bling need only to look at the Ash-Abhi wedding pics to set the records staright. The junior Bachchan couple and their bhery bhery famous senior counter part look staright out of “Banglar Shiraj” or “Tipu Sultan-er Tarobari” jatrapaTi ( for all the non-bongs: Jatra is the Bong term for nautanki). It is so hedious that it can’t even be deemed funny! Talk about bad taste…

  25. Hilarious post Arnabda. Did you see the papers today? That guy was AB’s neibour in Mumbai. He took those photos and spread them around. So they were exclusive after all! And two of the people whom I sent those pictures to asked me if I had been invited to the wedding.

  26. Lalu should say “Aishwarya was mairaydd phirst to peepul. Iska matlab all the peepul of India have first claim on her! Move obher chhota B. Hum aa raha hoon!”

  27. Blessh is out…Kitsch is in,

    BayB looked like AB in Khudah Gawah,
    AB looked like he will break into “Ke Pag Gungroo” any time :-))
    JB should not forgive herself or her designers anytime soon,

    Was the decor was borrowed from Jodha Akbar set?

    and the flouroscent wear during Mehndi….:o

  28. Janahvi, in a true bollywood style, should have used the line “Main Tumhare Bachche Ki Maa banane wali hoon”.. Maybe that could have had some impact 🙂

  29. Again, all rolled up and neatly served. Thank you !

    I was consciously avoiding reading about this monumentous farce. Rediff seemed to be so full of it. But just had to read this one from you.

    Do keep up making us laugh. You rock !

  30. hahaha…
    I cannot tell you how much joy your articles bring to my boring days. This one was another. Gawd! I have to really learn how to keep my poise while reading your blog or my boss is gonna fire me.

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  32. “moral foundations of our nation are under attack from this wanton display of man-cleavage.” ha, ha. I think your (less-sophisticated) readers would use the word “man boobies” here.

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