“Welcome to “Yellow Very Yellow“, GBTV’s current affairs program where we analyse the most significant events taking place in today’s world: events that will shape your future as well as of your grandkid’s. Tonight our topic of discussion is the Abhishek-Aishwarya wedding and our panel consists of noted style guru Ritu’s Berries, historian Ramleela Thappad and socialite Bushel Seth.
First Ritu’s Berries. What the Bachchans do today, the Khans do tomorrow. So what is your assessment of the style quotient at the Abhi-Ash marriage? The hits, the misses and the blunders?”
Ritu’s Berries: “Dahling, it was one blundah aftah another.
Firstly look at the picture to the left….what gaudiness. I think they took that background off the sets of Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana. I know that this is a Ram-Sita jodi with even a Amar Hanuman Singh being present but why this garish strip-club-ian dÃ©cor?
And what’s with the green jellybeans Abhishek is wearing? And the beard —was that to hide the double chin? ”
“So you would give them a thumbs down for fashion?”
Ritu’s Berries: “Absolutely. Even ‘Umrao Jaan’ is heavenly compared to this visual assault. But of course the unmitigated style disaster of the wedding was none other than our very own angry middle-aged man Ajay Devgun. Whether it be because of the sinking realization that Kajol and he are no longer the first destination for advertisers who want to show a cute celeb couple or because he was under the misimpression that he would be stripping at the bachelorette party, Ajay Devgun got this hopelessly wrong. I am not a conservative person but even I think that the moral foundations of our nation are under attack from this wanton display of man-cleavage.”
“Thank you, Ritu’s Berries. We are now joined by our local correspondent Bekar Singh who has been standing there outside the wedding along with the teeming multitude feeling the pulse of the populace. ”
Bekar: ” Yes. The mood here has been electric for the last few days. And the buzz is all about the “duplicates”. First there was this Salman Khan-lookalike whose appearance at the sangeet sent both Aishwarya and pavement-dwellers into paroxysms of terror. Then there was this duplicate of Amitabh Bachchan who entertained the crowd through their long vigil. But the most brazen of them all was a Abhishek Bachchan clone in a white Mercedes who actually got past the security guards and would have made it into Aishwarya’s chambers where God knows how her purity would have been affected had it not been for the alertness of the neighbours.
While most of the media concerned themselves with the big-names,the Sanjay Dutts and the Amar Singhs, as a GBTV correspondent my focus was on the real people who had invited themselves to the biggest party in town based on the kinship each of us feel towards the rich and famous. Even the fact that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it was for them to enter the kingdom of B did little to dampen their hopes.
Meet Munshi Khan Pathan, the director of the Gujrati remake of Sunny Deol’s “Ghayal” and a self-confessed habitual blesser.
Munshi Khan Pathan and brother-in-law Amin Khan had tried to bless the bride on Thursday night but were stopped by the security personnel. But the duo are undeterred.
“I am all set to barge in and bless her. They didn’t let me inside tonight. But they can’t stop me at the wedding,” says Munshi who hails from Gomatipur, Ahmedabad.
And meet Prakash Pandey, owner of Thagoo ke Laddoo, who came with 51 kgs of special laddoos for the bride and groom, after being given a grand send-off from his hometown of Kanpur by a band of hijras.
Pandey has not received an invitation for the wedding, believed to be held in the presence of a small group of friends and relatives. But that has not deterred him one bit. He is â€œdetermined to get inâ€; and is â€œconfidentâ€ that he would be â€œallowed inâ€.
Pandey claimed at the Kanpur Central railway station on Tuesday that is â€œcloseâ€ to the Bachchans, including Abhishek. He said Abhishek had visited his shop during the shooting of Bunty Aur Babli, and that Junior B appreciated his laddoos.
He said he does not need an official invitation to be part of the wedding programme.
Pandey said he would sit on dharna outside the wedding venue if he were to be denied entry.
Pandeyâ€™s family, relatives and a group of eunuchs saw him off at the station today. Dancing to the tunes of a band, Pandey and his associates said the Bachchan family, originally from Uttar Pradesh, has brought fame to the people of the state.
Incidentally on the subject of hijras, there was some heartburn in the Hijra community as 100 eunuchs were taken into protective custody to prevent them from attending the wedding of a man whose father gave them their rallying cry: “Mere angane main tumhara kya kaam hain”.
What is inspiring is that some people, even though upset at not being invited for the wedding, have started making arrangements for the birth of the first child of this divine couple.
Renowned shehnai player Ustad Jamin Hussain has composed a tune to be played to mark the birth of the child of newly-wed actors Abhishek Bachchan and Aiswarya Rai.
The composition titled “Ganga dware badhaiyan baaje” would be played at that time after going to Mumbai, said Jamin Hussain, the son of legendary shenai player Ustad Bismillah Khan.
Jamin Hussain said he would be disappointed throughout his life that Amitabh Bachchan did not invite him for playing shehnai on the occasion of Abhishek’s marriage.
“Mm…Bekar…there seemed to have been some commotion at the gates of the Bachchan residence when a certain Jahnavi Kapoor slit her wrists claiming to have been promised marriage by little B”
Bekar: “Yes. Insiders were apprehensive about trouble that Abhishek and Aishwarya’s ex-es, whose number could fill up a small stadium, could cause at the wedding. Most concern was about Viveik Oberoi who fortunately spent the day mourning at temples, heart-broken by the fact that he was being cast as a villain in a forthcoming biopic about the Great Aishwarya and mercifully did not call any tearful press-conferences. Nor was their any kind of offensive behaviour from Aishwarya’s first husband, the peepul tree, who did nothing more than sway his branches in the breeze in impotent anger. Kind of like Karishma Kapoor.
However the problem came from most unexpected quarters. From this item number girl who had taken the song “Dus bahane karke le gaye dil” (where she shared screen space with AB junior) a bit too literally. Well I would not consider this as totally unexpected as the Big B had to also put up with a suicidal Parveen Babi and if anyone in the world has the genetic makeup to deal with women slitting their wrists in front of their wedding hall, I would say it’s Abhishek.
Well, at least it can be said that Aishwarya’s fans have taken this blow much better. In this amazingly incisive bit of journalismfrom Rediff, we have a video-interview with one such fan.
Strict female voice: Have you ever dreamt of Aishwarya?
Male: Inaudible affirmation
Strict female voice: What was the dream like?
Male: It was a good dream. All I can say is that I was smiling after that dream.
As the Adnan Sami song goes “Bheegi bheegi raaton main, phir tum aao na” which for our non-Hindi audience means “In the wet wet night, please come again”.
“Thank you Bekar for that very illuminating round-up. Coming back to our studio, we have noted historian Ramleela Thappad on the line:
“Ms. Thappad, what is the significance of this event in the context of Indian history?”
Ramleela Thappad: “This is perhaps the most significant matrimonial alliance since Emperor Akbar married Rajput princess Hira Kunwari more popular as Jodhabai (incidentally this story is being made into a movie Jodhaa Akbar with Hrittik Roshan and Aishwarya Rai in the title roles where it seems Jodhaa Bai will tell Akbar: “Are you like checking me out?” before playing basketball in the rain.) With this wedding, the Bachchans have emerged as the single most powerful endorsement block: holding in its hand Big B, Little B and Plastic A. And if the offspring of Abh-Ash marries Sachin Tendulkar’s kid, then this could be become the greatest endorsement dynasty ever.”
“Interesting. Very interesting. However not everyone has been impressed by the Ash-Abhi wedding. We have with us Bushel Seth who does not even think it was the hottest party in the neighbourhood.”
Seth: “Absolutely. And I am not saying this because I was not invited. The most happening wedding was taking place elsewhere and let me tell you guys, this one was not about hangers-ons with no-life or desperately publicity-seeking actresses undergoing self-mutilation. No sir no. This was the real deal.
The invitation card promised a more ostentatious wedding than the Abhiash marriage the same day. However, the government-sponsored mass wedding of 101 poor girls in Sagar, Madhya Pradesh, has ended up ruffling feathers for the wrong reasons.
Too enthused about holding the wedding party of the year, Madhya Pradesh minister for cooperatives, Gopal Bhargava, has landed himself in a spot of bother by adding an erotic tribal dance number for the entertainment of the guests.
Bhargava invited thousands of people to the ceremony, promising zordaar (exciting) celebration.
â€œPlease remember to come because on this day heroine Aishwarya Rai and actor Abhishek Bachchan will get married. This wedding will be no less: you will be able to decide which one is more colourful â€“ Bachchan’s or of the poor girls,â€ read the invitation card.
The mass wedding was held under the state’s â€˜Kanyadaan Yojanaâ€™ on â€˜Akshaya Tritiyaâ€™, the day believed to be the most auspicious according to the Hindu calendar, in Garakota town.
Bhargava promised dance and fireworks. â€œShaadi samaroh mein manoranjan ki vyavastha ki gayi hai (arrangements have been made for an entertainment programme in the marriage),â€ the host declared a tad boisterously.
That, however, was not to be, as the script that Bhargava thought he had neatly stitched up began to give away around midnight.
The entertainment turned into a nightmare when brawls erupted no sooner the Bedia tribals, who numbered around 100, began an erotic dance that simulated sexual movements.
The dance, which in its traditional form is called Rai, is usually performed by sex workers from the Bundelkhand region, and their first movements are lifting up the skirts and then lying on the stage, with suggestive thrusts and rhythms normally associated with copulation.
From 12 midnight until 4 am, the minister sat in the front row of the Mangal Shaadi Bhavan with more than 10,000 spectators watching the show.
Bhargava was also caught on camera taking out wads of Rs 500 notes and distributing them among the dancers. That was when the crowds went berserk and drunken brawls broke out. Ceremonial gunshots added to the melee.
“Wow, Mr. Seth. That sounds like some party. How interesting that this vulgar dance is called ‘Rai’ . Any ways, I would like to thank everyone for watching this edition of “Yellow very yellow” on India’s nastiest channel GBTV. Next week we take you into the world of call-girls, naughty MMSes and discuss why Celina Jaitley has been chosen to be Egypt’s brand ambassador (hint: pyramids) and also as a campaigner for the Congress (hint: noone else wants to) in the UP elections.
For now, this is your host singing off.
And as Abhishek seems to be saying in this picture to the left:
Keep it yellow.”