The Howitzer 2007

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For those of you who are new to these parts, the Howitzer Awards (the Pulitzer Awards are a cheap knock-off ) was established in 2006 by the Trustees of RTDM to honor the best of Indian net journalism.

Last year, this was won by IndiaDaily’s entertainment section, helmed by the redoubtable Lara Larani and Pam Bhandari for their exposes on lesbianism in Bollywood, “skirt-raising seduction”, how Mallika uses the same underwear for a week, how two Bolly hotties fought topless in a nightclub and the profusion of smelly Hindi movie creatures. [For details, read the citation for the 2006 Awards]

This year also has been an “an(n)us awesomabilis” for IndiaDaily with its pathbreakingly brave coverage of After Bebo Saif have his eyes on Priyanka Chopra – Saif ready to complete his shallenge of making 12 Bollywood bales fall for him in one year [ a tongue-in-cheek reference to Saif’s maiden movie “Aashiq Awara” where he sang “Tu hain mera lucky number. Tera number hain bara” ] and Salman not sexy for Brazilian hottie: breaking news that brought both humans and fish to a standstill.

Salman always boasts of his sexy features. He is liked by Indian girls a lot. But is like a ‘Salmon’ to a Brazilian hottie who just ignored him in spite of Sallu’s falling for her. As Katrina learn to fly her own career, Salman goes restless.

In desperation he wanted to dance with a Brazilian hottie Brandra night dance club. The hottie is popularly known as Bruna. She looked at Salman top to bottom and said well ‘I need a sexier man’ to dance with. That took Salman into a state of shock. On one side Katrina refuses to return his call and on this side this hottie calls him a ‘Salmon’.

Sallu acted like a Salmon. He just walked away and started taking to strangers in the street.

But alas we cannot give the Howitzer to Indiadaily this year simply because one of the policies the Howitzer board of trustees follows is that the same award cannot go to the same organization two years in succession. With the Lara Laranis ineligible for competition, the committee had a difficult time coming up with a winner as virtually all media outlets,in true Indiadaily style, distinguished themselves by upholding the highest standards of journalism during the Ash-Abhishek wedding.[For more on this, read my post “Yellow Very Yellow“]

Tough a decision it surely was. But finally however we do have a winner.

And it’s a dark horse, a name none of the bookmakers had in their list.

Ladies, gentlemen and Tanusree Dutta. The 2007 Howitzer Award goes to India Cricket League’s official “diary” for their perfect snippets of English prose that blend political correctness, dexterity of language, and product promotion with consummate ease.

Sample 1: A wonderfully structured news-item with a headline that, in the best tradition of Indiadaily, can be called very “gung ho”.

Dedicated cheerleaders gratify spectators

 

It’s a larger than life demonstration here at the Tau Devi Lal Stadium to witness two separate sets of cheerleaders dancing away to grandeur for the two relevant teams playing the matches. The tournament organisers have set up two separate stages – facing each other at the venue – so every single time a boundary or wicket is achieved, the respective teams’ cheerleaders go gung-ho!
For example, if the batsman from the Delhi Jets smacks a boundary, there are cheerleaders wearing blue skirts (since the Jets’ jersey colour is blue) who go bezerk! The most striking feature is that none of these cheerleaders are of Indian origin. They have all been imported from other parts of the world! Wow, it’s quite a turn in the tables, isn’t it?

What do you say? Does this not make all of us go “bezerk” ? What power of perception to point out that the dedicated cheerleaders aren’t Indian, that this is not some mohalla mujra but performances from ladies “imported from other parts of the world” –a matter of great national pride. And why shouldnt it be? After all , the Essel group has turned the tables on the developed world by making their citizens gratify our junta.

Totally chuck de India.

They also have flag holders for each team – very good looking girls of course – who wave the flags when the boys make their way out to the ground.

Note, dear novices, how very subtly it is pointed out, by the reference to “very good looking girls of course”, that ICL is not a cricket tournament between engineering departments—even though the number of people watching the game might give you that impression.

And finally recognize how artistically the unalloyed joy of watching imported women gratifying the audience is conveyed.

Sitting in the press box, we can feel the entertainment vibrations stirring us – the speakers are so loud, that we cannot play escapade to the fun – we love it and are partying hard, just the like the swarms of people are.

Sample 2:

Ultimately, the sport has to be the winner. Fans are gathering the stadium to witness good quality action and even more, the amusement lined up in the two stages facing each other. The firecrackers enlighten sparkling colours in the sky at nights and the colourful jerseys of the players add more slenderness to the eye of the spectator……..

Each team will bring out its respective uniqueness into their mannerism of playing and attract fans to join their wagon. As the ICL fairy-tale continues to flourish, teams build into entities and 2008 should be even more stimulating.

Adding slenderness to the eye of the spectator. Fans are gathering the stadium. If Hemingway, that great correspondent, was alive he would definitely shoot himself with a gun after reading this.

For those of you who are thinking the ICL diarist is all about form (slender and very good looking of course), you are mistaken.

Substance is also part of their “mannerism of writing”.

When the ICL costumes sorry uniforms were unveiled to the public, there was much conjecture and heart-burn: what could have possessed the designer (or as the picture labels him: the instigator of the uniforms) to have made such macho men prance around in pink and orange pyjamas? The diarist does not answer this question directly but like all substantial journalistic “entities” leaves us more than enough content to answer the question ourselves.

The sizzling models made their way out to walk the ramp wearing the teams’ jerseys. The designer of which is the celebrated Indian fashion guru Manish Arora. He cuddled around all the models and offered an unruffled snap – one that summed up the night

[Yes I know the diarist was not referring to this picture as “the unruffled snap” (obtained from BombayBitch) but I think, in the yellow spirit, we can let that pass ].

Amazing !

And so, at the end of it all, let us put our hands together and thank the winner of this years Howitzers for the entertainment vibrations they have stirred and hopefully will keep on stirring inside us.

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28 thoughts on “The Howitzer 2007

  1. Still can’t beat Indiadaily’s consistent and sustained quality standards. Pity that the Howitzer cannot be (re) won by the incumbent

  2. Well GB , The only worry is by the time you decide to write in this post next year( I presume these are annual awards ), I wonder what should we be prepared for!!! It’s nice to see the India shining bit, but honestly I fail to the direction where it is heading though.

    The sad bit though is that Quality Journalism is stooping down all over, It was’nt very long ago if I remember correctly where even ” times of India ” or ” India times ” had a ” Daily babes ” section right on the front page on the portal, Qudos to aamir knan for pointing that out in his famous Interview with Tehelka…

    BTW a nice post as usual….Cheers

  3. “Eseel Group and the Indian Cricket League have taken the indivisible wedding ceremony of Cricket and Entertainment in the 21st century to a whole new level.”

    First they get their own spelling wrong and then they murder the last remaining traces of sanity inside me. A “whole new level” sure this is. So down deep that I cannot see it.

    I wish I could contact Fowler’s spirit and request a reaction for this kind of writing.

  4. And the Guru is back with that post! Yes, yes the ICL ladies (and the exported exotic dancers) take the cake this year with copious whipped cream on the top, not to mention the cherry.

  5. LOL!!! Not quite as great as last years, but Rofling all the way.

    Though, however the state of ICL is, Tony Greig in commentary box in itself a big carrot for me to watch the games. Somehow the arun lals, chetan sharmas and moninders have ruined the commentary for me these days. Hearing him should be salvation!

    S

  6. Great post, wondering when to catch up the next match. The Hindu today reported briliant palying by Farhat for ‘lions’ or ‘tigers’ or ‘jets’ … we are yet to catch up with the team names like the USA basketball teams made of city animal/technology/adjective of speed or power.

    About the uniforms which you called as costumes, well, Manish Arora has continued with his siganture style, all his collections are inspired by comics, riot of colours and vibrant in spirit. His label ‘Fish Fry’ has a fan base which includes me, he is one of the veru few known in the fashion circles and shows his collection at the London fashion Week.

    Considering ICL cricketers are not exactly Sonu Nigams and Sharukh Khans, pink uniforms would make anyone cringe.On second thoughts, good that ICl did not ask Sabyasachi to design uniforms. We would have had layered looks, puff sleeves, Old saree insired prints and Thick rimmed glasses for all. Ritu Kumar would have added zardozi handwork and swaroski details around the neck and the sheer weight would have trimmed down the players big time.

  7. Greatbong: It depresses me to think that I will have to wait a full year for the next round of Howitzers, because there are so many soft targets that sharpshooting won’t do. It’s like trying to wrestle the sea. I vote for full scale tactical bombardment.

    May I suggest that this competition be extended into an elimination tournament, like Wimblehack?

  8. Man! Don’t they have anything called proofreading for these websites? The content is practically overflowing with innuendo.

    Thanks for the effort GB, but last year’s awards had more competition. Like someone commented, how about listing out the nominees?

    @ lalbadshah: that ad is super. Thanks for the link.

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