You have an abusive, self-obsessed boyfriend (let’s call him Greg Chappell). Ultimately after years of abuse, a disastrous emotional meltdown (let’s call it the World Cup) occurs after which you dump him. Then comes along this other guy, (let’s call him Dave Whatmore) who really wants you with all his heart. You don’t quite feel any passion despite the fact that there is not much wrong with him. In the absence of someone better, you string him along . And then when man 2 (Ford), the guy who really rocks your boat came along, you publicly kick the first suitor in the ass, call him “over eager” and hence by extension a despo. You surrender yourself to the new guy, while your parents present you with man 3 (John Em “Burey” nazar walen tera mooh kala), a two-time divorcee with kids. Not much of a choice. You propose to man2 who then turns around, says he finds you over-eager and spurns your overtures. Taking advantage of all this, man3 panders to his own ego by also rejecting you—-as if you ever asked him.
The Indian cricket coaching tamasha has now officially become a farce. Which is why I desist from analyzing the situation (Shan does it here) but instead propose a solution to the impasse.
Let Maninder Singh (man4) be the next Indian coach.
Because this man is, to put it mildly, a genius.
Don’t believe me? Well a few days ago, Maninder Singh (India’s premier spin bowler of the 80s) was taken to the hospital with his wrists slashed to ribbons. Evidently a suicide attempt. Not that you can blame the man: he has to share a commentary box with Yashpal Sharma and Atul Wassan. And umpire tepid domestic matches standing under the blazing sun.
But then where’s the genius you ask? It’s this. Maninder firmly maintains that he did not attempt suicide. What happened was simply this:
Maninder, who was admitted to the Shanti Mukund Hospital Saturday, recorded a statement with the police giving an account of how the incident took place at his Preet Vihar residence in east Delhi.
Maninder told us his wrists were injured when he smashed the glass panes of the bay window of his home with his hands in an attempt to awaken his family on his return home after midnight Saturday. He termed it an accident,’ Deputy Commissioner of Police Ajay Chaudhry said.
A force of nature. Some ignorant people may ask how does this prove cricketing acumen? Well to be honest it does not. But of late I have been hearing that the main job of a coach is to motivate the players—after all senior cricketers don’t have technical problems (or so I have been told). And what can motivate players better than to see the coach literally bleeding to “awaken” the country?
And if more excitement is needed than the sight of body fluids on glass, Maninder, recently arrested for possessing cocaine and whom the respected Seattle Times considers to be India’s answer to Lindsay Lohan, can supply our boys with some chemical motivators that will surely make them “play out of their skin”, increase their “speed” and hit “crack“ing shots. At the very least with the dressing room promoting “Coke”, the irritating blue billion Pepsi ads will permanently be shelved.
Gavaskar will like the fact that he is Indian. Mohinder Amarnath, who threatened to put Fair and Lovely on himself once upon a time to be the coach, will find his skin tones delightful. Niranjan Shah will discover that Maninder is not very expensive and the only support staff he will ask for are some Nigerian men as sports medicine experts.
In all, a win-win smashing situation for everyone.
Maninder Singh for coach. Please.