Diwali Dhamaka

60 Comments

It’s Diwali.

And that means new clothes, fireworks, gratuitous male nudity and of course controversy.

This year has been no different as families and friendships have split down the fault line of “Saawariya vs Om Shanti Om” as two of the biggest releases of the year hit the screens on the same day all across the country, competing for eyeballs in particular and balls in general. And if the battle between the two titanically iconic directors Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Farah Khan is not enough to satisfy the palate of the newshounds, this year the stakes are even higher because of THE controversy, the one that pundits are now referring to as “Towelgate”.

Towel main bahaar jaogi to halla mach jayega,
Kar dogi badnaam tum,
Karo naah aise kaam tum,
Tum ko aise dekhke har ek ladka sharmayega.

—Eena Meena Deeka

In 1994, Rishi Kapoor sung this above ditty admonishing the heroine Juhi Chawla for wearing just a towel in a public place. In a quirk of destiny (God does indeed have a sense of humor), in 2007 it is his son, famous “Dabba stealer” Ranbir Kapoor who is on the front pages of newspapers for creating a “halla” in a towel, doing a naughtier male version of Kajol’s “Mere Khawabon Mein Jo Aaye” and revealing his unclothed rear side. In the context of that scene from “Saawariya”, a national debate has erupted over “Should India see Ranbir dropping a towel” given that the censor board has decided that the general population needs to be protected from a naked male butt.

Needless to say, there has been an uproar about the curtailment in civil liberties that this scene-chopping has brought about with intellectuals of all political hues (except the Indian communists whose silence can be explained by the fact that they have not been able to figure out which side of the debate actually benefits the Chinese) and all sexual orientations strongly condemning the censor board for once again imposing their sense of morals on the country.

The argument against the ban is multi-pronged. Insiders have said that the removed scene was most artistic (not vulgar at all) [Sanjay Leela Bhansali did an amazing job of light and shade as the camera panned Ranbir’s bottom , highlighting the curves and contrasting the fissures in a way that has made the greatest director alive today (Sanjay Leela Bhansali) comment: ” I could not have done it better myself”] and the movie has become poorer as a result of the cut.

They also point out that the censor board has been much more liberal with male exposure and towels in the past—-sample this scene from “Suhaag” where man-meat Akshay Kumar, making no secret of what exactly Raveena Tandon, Nipunika, Ayesha Jhulka, Pooja Batra, Shilpa Shetty, Twinkle Khanna and assorted other nameless martyrs saw in him, wearing a skimpy thong underwear that would make a Chippendale male stripper turn red in the face, prances about and wipes himself with a towel. If this scene could get past the censor’s sharp blades, why not Ranbir’s JLo moment?

Koi jawaab hain tumhare paas?

The action of the censors seem even the more motivated when one looks at this picture of Shahrukh Khan, revealing his six-packs in “Om Shanti Om”, looking like a cross between a zombie of a Calvin Klein underwear model, Peter Andre and the “construction worker ” character of the iconic gay band “the Village People” . After all, if the censors are fine with 6 packs in the front, what is the problem with 2 packs at the back?

Of course there are some people who are sitting back, away from the raging debate, and enjoying the whole show—-whether it be wondering what’s keeping Ranbir’s towel up to what heat SRK is packing below those 6 packs. For these happy people it’s less about who keeps it up and who drops the ball but more about enjoying the magic of the male body.

And of course in keeping their personal phooljharis sparkling.

[Update: Taran Adarsh, that legendary reviewer has already given “Om Shanti Om” a “bums” up (Thanks Nishit for the link)

Cut the crap, cut the gyan-baazi, cut the will-it-won’t-it work naatak. Shah Rukh Khan and Farah Khan’s OM SHANTI OM is a true-blue masala entertainer

Feeling a strong sense of deja-vu at reading this line, trying to remember which of my past lives I had encountered such an opening, I alighted on a review of Dhoom 2.
written coincidentally, by a guy called (hold your breath) Taran Adarsh.

Cut the crap. Cut the gyan. Let’s come to the point straightway: Is DHOOM 2 as big as its hype? Does it meet the monumental expectations? Or is it a gas balloon with a leak?

Yes, DHOOM 2 works big time and here’s why.

We have been warned.
]

[Update 2: Again with a hat-tip to Nishit, we now have a first peek at India Cricket League’s new uniforms. This is definitely going to be the gayest “akhil bharatiya gainnd balla pratiyogita”. Ever.]

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60 thoughts on “Diwali Dhamaka

  1. “After all, if the censors are fine with 6 packs in the front, what is the problem with 2 packs at the back ” – Hilarious !!!

  2. Hehehe….gawd! Especially this one is totally hilarious- “except the Indian communists whose silence can be explained by the fact that have not been able to figure out which side of the debate actually benefits the Chinese”
    I was almost caught with my red face after reading your SRK comments:D

  3. good humorous take on these hyped movies being released during diwali…

    “Shahrukh Khan, revealing his six-packs in “Om Shanti Om”, looking like a cross between a zombie of a Calvin Klein underwear model, Peter Andre and the “construction worker ” character of the iconic gay band “the Village People” “..really funny…i would add another character michael jackson – cross of trio!!

    since his new avtaar with six pack , his face looks really freaky when you see without any make up..
    good shot at Taran Adarsh (TA) too …i though like him sometimes as his reviews are kinda simple and straight forward than moronic raja sen on rediff..but yeah, lately, TA also seems to be getting very liberal in reviewing movies and giving thumbs up to everything, as specially to movies coming out of big production houses.

  4. Alimuddin street has got the news that it WAS an imported towel from China using GM cotton technology from Israel.

    The entire Politbureau is pondering over the issue. It seems that Yechury and Karat have taken opposite stances. When J. Basu was called into cast the deciding vote, he said —
    “Don’t panic”.

  5. Too much Guru, too much. I was laughing uncontrollably at work while reading this, much to the astoundness of my co-workers. The SRK description is worth framing and putting up for display.

  6. I say we need some male butts in bollywood – bring ’em on! That would mean more employment opportunities – ‘butt doubles’! 🙂 Way to go GB!

  7. Yes GB, you do have a sense of humor. But I completely disagree with your description of SRK, there is no zombies there…come on. He is hot. But then me talking about SRK is a bit like Khilji discussing his designs on Rani Padmini. Only the situation, gender etc are all reversed….and I wonder if SRK would rather immolate himself but not sleep with me! That’s a sad thought 😦

  8. Pingback: Greatbong: Diwali Dhamaka

  9. HaHa good one, To GB first and the commentators on the article,
    On a serious note, our filmmaking skills are pathetic, prominence is given to style than substance and you have bunch of jokers ( reviewers ) acting as promoters. Though we do have few filmmakers who do make quality cinema, As an audience we have many times failed them. So what we do get is guys like Sanjay Leela Bhansali, Karan Johar, Kunal Kohli ( Who indulge in pure extravagence and end up delivering purid trash)…

    On a lighter note, would love to read the review of Brokebaack mountain by Taran Adarsh/Subhash Jha….

  10. @Debolin: Don’t worry I will take it as kidding remember I fear that SRK will immolate himself rather than sleeping with me….SRK in the dark may seriously consider it. Fear not my friend I will not make any advances at you.

  11. THANK GB is back at what he is best at… Bollywood. The moment I read the title, Diwali Dhamaka, with Ranbir looking up to me in anticipation, I cracked up.

    That sample from Suhaag deserves mention. Hilarious! Comes close to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw

    totally random, this is the Saawariya story: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Nights_(short_story)

    one read and a visit to http://www.saawariyafilm.com/ later, and I’m convinced that Om Shanti Om may entertain me fully, I’ll relate to Saawariya like no other

  12. While everybody is going gaga over Ranbir / Sonam / SRK / Deepika / SLB etc., everybody seems to have forgotten that eternal loser poor old baldy Sallu is also in the movie. Looks like he again had to run over / shoot / abuse somebody to be in news.

  13. hehehe :D,Had a good laugh as always after reading this article :).Well,Saanwariya has been reviewed by Rediff and is already being described as a fiasco.Wonder what the kapoor khandaan’s gonna say about that

  14. “man-meat Akshay Kumar” -ROTFL 😀

    But still, kudos to the sensor board for sparing us the pain.
    And oh, please say you agree with me when I say that SRK could not look more gay than in Om Shanti Om?

  15. Hey guys, I can see a betting opportunity here!

    Its Diwali time after all, bina jue ke kya Diwali !!

    I would put my money on OSO while with all my heart I want Saawariya to win. (May be I am biased because its based on a short story by my favorite Author – Dostoevsky)

  16. @ rishi_khujur :
    Since I look like SRK only in the dark, you can express your sadness about my plight ‘only in the dark’.

    In fact, in the dark everyone looks like everyone. 😀

  17. @ Debolin I must say you have a very convoluted idea about darkness. You know most of us don’t just focus all our senses into vision, specially during sex….;)

  18. “if the censors are fine with 6 packs in the front, what is the problem with 2 packs at the back……..” Heee heeeee. Awesome 🙂

  19. @ Aditi :
    “most of us don’t just focus all our senses into vision, specially during sex” … fully agreed.

    But, does that make darkness more illuminating? 😉

    I’ll still resemble SRK or anybody of my height and size for that matter with lights off.

    Okay, let’s kick myself out of this for a while. Imagine you are in a bed, surrounded by nothing but darness. And since you anyways won’t “focus all your senses into vision” , what difference does it make if it’s SRK or Sallu or Govinda or even L.K.Advani that you are doing it with, provided they all meet your expectations in that particular activity?

    I feel things are getting increasingly off-topic and kinda gross over here. I feel guilty to have responded to your first comment in that way.

    However, if you think we should go on with our conversation on this , we can proceed in your or my blog. Let’s not eat up Arnab’s space for that.

    @ Arnab, please forgive me for I have sinned in thy blog…I felt it was too tempting. It was just a spontaneous leg-pulling kinda comment in response to Aditi’s first comment. I have no desire of sleeping with anybody else since I’m happily married. 🙂

  20. What is with this bizarre full waxing for men trend in Bollywood? People, people – Mediterranean men are celebrated globally for their sexiness. Have you been to a Mediterranean beach lately and seen how hairy the men are?

    There’s a really popular Greek song that goes –

    “Greek lover, Greek lover
    Me trixa gia pullover (with hair like pullover)”

    So uhmm…..Bollywood ke sitaron, please embrace your roots – literally!

  21. Oh Greatbong.. I agree 75% with your new look SRK analysis.
    Village people, Peter Andre,… and Mowgli! .. thats the one you missed..

  22. Arnab

    Wasnt there a scene in Rishi Kapoor’s debut film “Bobby”, where he is standing in the nude opposite a mirror, and Aruna Irani enters his room? I dont have that DVD on hand, but vaguely recall him displaying his rear “2 packs”.

  23. Hee Hee…
    Too good..
    Thanx for making this diwali special
    2 pack Vs Six Pack…Priceless
    The Political twist is also Superb!!

  24. According to janata, vox populi vox dei,
    OSO is wa–ay better than this here Sawariyaa.

    But according to the fillum critics on StarAnanda Channel, both have ridiculous plots and fail miserably.

    Methinks it is pure aantlaami combined with even purer jealousy as the promo budget could have only financed a score of Tollywood chhobis.

  25. yayy! had my fingers crossed for this post 🙂 superb indeed.
    i really wish the censors board hadnt cut the towel seen. i mean, there’s a lot of worse on screen right now.
    they whole time they kept going on and on about the butt.. now we dont even get to see it.

  26. I think this is the G**nd year of Bollywood. First it was Ramgopal ki (G**nd mein) aag, now it is Sanjay Bhansali ki ….. Leave alone Ranvir, the entire Kapoor clans Ga**nd cannot make any sense of this film. Chahe jitna bhi G**nd ka jor lagalo!

  27. Mr. Debolin-

    As SRK fan,sorry for blasting yor ego. “I’ll still resemble SRK or anybody of my height and size for that matter with lights off.”

    …..even in complete dark she will know the diference by the weiners. 🙂

    SRK once and for life.

  28. @ Cousin Debika & Aditi :
    I salute your love, craze and lust for SRK. Not very often we come across Indian women who are ready to sleep with a 40 , married with two kids, never-met-except-on-screen man. Kudos to you two for that.
    I really really do wish and pray that you two have your dreams come true and end up having the orgies of your lives after some fantastic threesome stuff with SRK (and, NOT with anyone like SRK but SRK himself).

    Amen.

    @ Arnab :
    Sorry again.

  29. @ Cousin Debika & Aditi :
    I salute your love, craze and lust for SRK. Not very often we come across Indian women who are ready to sleep with a 40-plus, married with two kids, never-met-except-on-screen man. Kudos to you two for that.
    I really really do wish and pray that you two have your dreams come true and end up having the orgies of your lives after some fantastic threesome stuff with SRK (and, NOT with anyone like SRK but SRK himself).

    Amen.

    @ Arnab :
    Sorry again.

  30. Thanks for the comments and the illuminating discussion on SRK between fans and not-so-fans of all hues and orientations. Its discussions like this that make blogging such a rewarding experience. 🙂

  31. @ dEbOLiN
    if males have a MOST satisfying time oggling at curvesome women, we ladies are also entitled to dream about -er, SRK.

    Though I have a sneaky feeling that all celebrities are a little bit of, if not completely– Gilderoy Lockhart– too full of themselves.

    That is why I have taken to dreaming about chocolate cakes as they are only full of chocolate.

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