Isko Dekho Please

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Welcome to GB TV’s “Isko Dekho Please” . The date today is June 14, 2012 and we have for you an exclusive round up of the big releases this summer.

Abh Bas Bhi Karo Sarkar: The “Sarkar” saga continues with the fourteenth installment of the mega mafia drama. This time Abhishek and Aishwarya’s son, Mangalik Bachchan is crowned the new “Sarkar” making ” Sarkar” the first movie series in cinema history where more than 50% of the cast comes from the same family. The story is totally new: Sarkar’s empire is under attack from movie reviewers/failed movie makers, all jealous of the genius of “we-all-know-who”.

Armed with a blog, the new Sarkar attacks each of his enemies viciously with enormously laborious point by point deconstructions of their reviews. Noone is spared from his wrath—not the over-acting Masand, not over-genteel Khaled Mohamed, not the treacherous Madam Deepa Gehlot (not Gehloth) and definitely not the biggest threat of them all: Public Enemy Number 1, Rediff’s Raja Sen, a one-legged, one-eyed devil who according to Rediff message board, eats little children for dinner and deliberately uses big words in his reviews.

Directed by Ram Gopal Verma, directorial highlights of the movie are 25 minutes of total darkness where the only sound is Mangalik Bachchan’s keystrokes as he blogs, shafts of light that stream in every 30 minutes, another two scenes inspired by the Godfather series and most famously a guest appearance by Verma-friendly reviewer, Taran “Usool” Adrash who comes in 10 minutes before the interval and explains why his reviews are always laudatory to the big-shots with the very original line “Maine aap ka namak khaya hain Sarkar”.

[Cholche cholbe…What is will continue]

Main Hoon Kahawaat: Inspired by Will Smith’s “I am Legend” this movie opens in a future Kolkata where the dangerous Bandh-virus, unleashed by its mad creator Dr. Mamata Banerjee, has wiped out much of humanity. Those who have survived remain as undead zombies, hiding during the day and doing no work, coming out at night to protest against SEZs and to buy their copies of Ganashakti. Arrayed against them is the only person immune to the virus, crazy scientist Buddha who passionately hunts “bandhies” while frantically searching for a cure.

Is humanity saved? Does Kolkata go back to normal? Or is this what is normal in Kolkata?

Watch to find out.

[Prabhuji —Does a Licking and Keeps on Ticking](Picture courtesy “I love Trashy Movies“)

It’s Time to Deesco: [Idea inspired from a comment here]

Prabhuji (played by Mithun Chakraborty) is a faded disco-star. Running a dingy hotel, telling tired travelers tales of his glory days when “Aooooaa Aoooaaa” ruled the country and in generally drinking himself to ruin, his life is interrupted one day when a priest, Father Anthony comes to his door with a overweight young kid. Father Anthony tells Prabhuji—this is his son, the product of a night of passion with a groupie. Prabhuji has blanks in his memory, there had been nights when he had maangta”-ed many Julies and Sandras from Bandra. So he accepts the overweight kid as his own and calls him Momo, after his favorite dish and devotes his time and his savings in making Momo the biggest dancing star in the world.

Prabhuji sells his hotel and most of his clothes, takes Momo (Mimoh Chakraborty) to New York, cleans his soiled underwear and cooks for his son just so that Momo can learn to dance (and at the same learn Astro Physics at NASA) and the win the deeesco competition at the world-famous International Youth Conference, where he would have to defeat the notoriously demented “Son of Sam” , the offspring of the legendary “Sam” whom Prabhuji humiliated many years ago in Disco Dancer.

Just before the event, Prabhuji gets word that there will be a terrorist attack from the Shiv Sakti Organization at the conference. But what really shocks him is when Father Anthony confesses that he had lied—Momo is actually good friend Aoooo (played by Shakti Kapoor)’s illegitimate son.

So what does Prabhuji do now? Will he dance again with his guilty feet that got no rhythm and help Momo humiliate the Son of Sam? Will he again assume his alternate identity, Gunmaster G9 and save the world from certain ruin ? Will he accept Momo as a son or will he hang him to dry by letting him make his debut in a movie directed by Raj Sippy with a budget of 1 lac?

[Take that, India.]

Jasbaat, Junoon, Jung Aur Jangiya

Directed by Mahesh Bhatt, the plot of this movie is, like most of Bhatt’s offerings, most original. It involves a director having an extra-marital affair with a mentally unstable actress, an Indian who becomes a terrorist due to the oppression of the government, a tri-angular love story that involves murder and “sheets-covering-body” sex in front of a dead body. And yes it also involves Emran Hashmi, Shoaib Akthar, Kangana Run-Out, totally original music from Preetam. Needless to say, it will have its premiere in Pakistan (which explains the profusion of Urdu words in the title).

[Oh how hot I am ]

Ek Aur Mohabbatein

Shahrukh Khan (Raj Aryan) is a strict jailer who runs a men’s prison called Gaand-u-Kool. He also does not believe in love, especially of the kind that flourishes in the common bathroom areas. Into this colorless world comes a new inmate —Gaytunde (played by Karan Johar) , once a prison-guard at the same facility who was fired by Aryan for helping an inmate pick up a bar of soap. Soon the ordered world of the jail and of the jailer is thrown topsy-turvy. What is Gaytunde’s gayme? Does he want to engineer a prison riot and undermine Raj Aryan’s authority? Or does he want to teach the prison warden the beauty of love —a love that Gaytunde has for the jailer even today?

Watch out for a special item number by Ritu-bondho Ghosh in the jail shower—the song being “Hakka Bakka Hakka Bakka Hakka Bakka Hakka, Ikka naheen, Chauka naheen, chakka chakka chakka”.

Bullah Ho Gya Kharah—the Rise of Bullah

The long-awaited prequel to Gunda —this mega budget movie has been years in the making. Tracking the “rise” of Bullah, it begins with Bullah (Mukesh Rishi —official website), Chutiya (Shakti Kapoor) and Munni (arbit actress) coming to Mumbai as innocent bacche and their consequent loss of innocence as they transition from people “jo din main boot polish aur raat main tel malish karte hain” to the dark side of the force through the machinations of the evil Kafanchor Neta and Bacchu Bagona.

A treasure trove for Gunda fans, people will now get to know how Bullah and Pote became fast friends, why Chutiya was fed only London se sex ke goliyaan, the story of Ibu Hatela and his carbide-ripened kela, the strange case of Nirodh Kumar and Lucky Chikna and yes even details of the how Lambu Atta breast-fed Bullah in his nascent years (“maine usko doodh pila pilaake ke bara kiya aur abh woh mere chathi chabana chahata hain mere chathi” as Gunda fans would remember). Violent, profane and also allegorical, this prequel of “Gunda” is the most anticipated movie event of the decade.

And with Sanjay Leela Bhansali at the helm, one can be sure of blue and green tinged lenses, grand sweeping songs like “Jaha Nimboooda Nimbooda naheen ghusta wahaan nariyel ghused dete hain”, the “chinaals” from Lucky Chikna’s “latakta circus” brothel dancing in lock step to “Humara Baaje re baaje re baaje re”, a gritty castration scene softened by “Maar dalaaaa” in the background and of course Chutiya (Shakti Kapoor) wiping his buttock with a gossamer thin sheet.

A sure fire hit.

Humare Woh Aap Ke Haath Main Hain

Brought to you by the Bore-jatiyas and the world’s biggest adult features producer Vividly Video, “Humare Woh Aap Ke Haath Main Hain” is a genre-bending experiment that takes two of the world’s most successful cinematic formulae—the great Indian family drama and erotica and fuses them together in a way that noone ever thought possible. Comprising a multinational caste that constitutes Alok Nath, Reema Lagoo and Bindu on one hand and Ron Jeremy, Jenna Jameson and Slyvia Saint on the other, HWAKHMH tells the story of two innocent girls from the mountains(Jenna Jameson and Sylvia Saint), their doting dad (Alok Nath) and how once one of the sisters (Jenna Jameson) dies after she falls down the stairs, her other sister (Sylvia Saint) takes over her duties in the sasural.

Not much about this movie is not known except of course the picturization of an item song titled “Hoton se choo lo tum”. However we have managed to get hold of a few exclusive clips.

As we conclude this week’s Isko Dekho Please, we leave you with these scenes.

Scene 1:

Ganga (Slyvia Saint) Radheshyam ji, aap ko hum aise thoree jaane denge. Itne dinon ke baad aaye hain. Aap ko to mooh meetha karna hi padega. [Radheshyam ji, I shall not let you go like this. You have come here after so many days. You cannot leave without making your mouth sweet]

Radheshyam (Pariksheet Sahani): Ganga tum bhi. Tumhari itni badi ho gayee hain par bhi kitni natkhati ho. Tumhare baat to maan na hi padega. Magar mera ek shart hain. [Ganga, you are too much. You have grown so much and yet you are so naughty. I have to give in to you. But I have a condition.]

Ganga: Kya Radheshyam ji? [What Radheshyam-ji?]

Radheshyam: Yeh ki tum mujse aapne haathon se khilaogi [That you feed me with your own hands]

Scene 2:

Anandamohan (Ajit Vachchani): Aap to Paharganj ke misaal hain, Deendayal babu. Is umar main bhi aap sara din come karte hain. [You are Paharganj’s legend, Deendayal babu. Even in this age, you keep your hands busy all day]

Deendayal (Alok Nath): Kya kahen aap ko. Woh to jawani se hi adaat par gayee hain, din bhar come karne ka. [What to say to you.I have been working my hands ever since I was a young man.]

Scene 3:

Deendayal (Alok Nath): Ganga beti tum to Ganga jaisi pavitra thi. Aur aaj tum ghar ghar main apne…chi…chi..chi..sharm ata hain mujhe tumhare peetaji kahelate huye. Aise tumne kyon kiye beta? [Ganga my daughter you were as holy as the Ganga. And today you are going from door to door and…shame shame…I am ashamed to call myself your father. Why did you do this my offspring?]

Ganga (Sylvia Saint): Peetaji, aap hi to kahte hain ki aapki beti paraya dhan hain. Main to sirf logon mein woh dhan ko baant rahi thi . [Dad, it is you who keeps saying that your daughters are someone else’s property. I have just been sharing that wealth with everyone.]

Scene 4:

Bari-ma (Bindoo) [to Lajwanti (Jenna Jameson)]: Badchalan ladkee, kahaan se aayi hain mooh safed karke? [Lost in translation]

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87 thoughts on “Isko Dekho Please

  1. I sort of agree with Rohit, that this might have been shorter and crisper in the usual GB style. Somebody should review RGV’s review of reviews.

  2. @ Rohit and Prateek

    Hey. Dont attack GB or yourfan2 will come and kick your ass. He’s the in-house security guard, or so it seems.

  3. I actually went to that Mukesh Rishi website and found this gem in the biography section (3rd page):

    “Later he proved to be a consolidated actor by his awful performance in movie Sarfarosh, driven by the role of inspector Salim”

  4. HOWLARIOUS !!! VINTAGE GB STUFF !!!

    HAVE BOOMARKED THIS POST

    the icing on the cake was Humare Woh Aap Ke Haath Main Hain
    Oh GOD !!! ROFL
    Prabhuji..kanti shah..RGV …SRK KJO… Alok nath..Bhansali ..all in one post !!!

    WOW….
    err…. no kalpana lazmi ..nabh kumar raju ….Payal Rohtagi ..

    pls include them in the encore !!!

    SUPERB

  5. Wonderful Post Arnab Da ! Especially the last few scenes πŸ˜€

    Sorry to nitpick, but i think with “HWAPHMH” u meant “HWAKHMH”.

  6. ha ha… man you are too much. Can’t stop laughing.
    What about other movies.. like Mr.Sindhia[emperor finds invisible clothes??] or even Badmaashighar[innocent guy gets posted for darwin award while trying to kill his ex-lover??]

    Thanks!

  7. GB, that was forced creativity, u wrote just bcoz u wanted to…..
    That dint tickle any of my funny bones at all, n trust me, I’ve got lots of them…..u def need a break…..

  8. “Badchalan ladkee, kahaan se aayi hain mooh safed karke?”

    OMG!! You are the man, GB! What an astounding end! Still ROTFFL..

  9. Humare Woh Aap Ke Haath Main Hain — precious !!

    But even I kind off agree with Rohit and Prateek. You could have been shorter and crisp !!!

    Dude, your blog has become a public property.

  10. Personal opinion:
    Too much satire in one post sometimes at the expense of good natured humor(your hallmark!!!). I am used to crisp and sharp comments in your posts, and anything it hurts πŸ™‚ to see anything less.
    May be it is also the time to quit some hackneyed topics.

    Thank you

  11. Personal opinion:
    Too much satire in one post sometimes at the expense of good natured humor(your hallmark!!!). I am used to sharp criticism with a perfect blend of humor in your posts, and it hurts πŸ™‚ to see anything less.
    May be it is also the time to quit some hackneyed topics.

    Thank you

  12. Awesome post. Don’t let the assholes get you down.

    >GB, that was forced creativity, u wrote just bcoz u wanted to…..
    >That dint tickle any of my funny bones at all, n trust me, I’ve got lots >of them…..u def need a break….

    Kuntal, I believe that the purpose of having a blog is to be able to write when one wants to. Your comment however did tickle my funny bone or more precisely the “laugh when you see an idiot” bone. Please do not take a break.

  13. Agreed…..but forced one?? Just to write some satire?? And look at those levels…..GB seems to have comprised on class.
    @Rohan, I’m a gr8 admirer of GB, most of his previous posts have been awesome, which is why this one disappoints me. Any longtime reader will agree with me, I guess.
    A forced effort, falls flat, below par. Maybe our expectations are way too high from GB now…..

  14. This was categorised under ‘Silly’, was silly indeed.

    Appreciate the fact that you know what Bullah means. Us Hyderabadis have a chuckle whenever we find other Indians who do not know what that word means.

  15. This post is kinda disappointing by GB’s own standard… Arnab u were doing so good and u can still do much better than this. I otherwise am a great fan of ur blog.

  16. “…..Slyvia Saint on the other, HWAPHMH tells the story”

    Shouldn’t it be HWAKHMH? or am I missing something…

  17. Pingback: Greatbong: Isko Dekho Please : NAACHGAANA

  18. Brilliant, GB! The HWAPHMH teasers once again revealed the genius of your demented mind!! BTW, thanks for the link to Mukesh ‘Bulla’ Rishi’s website. With web-designers like the ones he has hired, who needs enemies? Sample these lines from his biography on the website:

    “…later he proved to be an consolidated actor by his awful performance in movie Sarfarosh, driven by the role of Inspector Salim”

    “I have been a cricket player – wise captain of college cricket team”

  19. I bow before thee O Greatbong!! May you continue blessing us with your cyber-presence and your blogging extravaganzas!! I pray for that sharp, astute and insanely silly imaginative brain of yours to keep up with all the thougts …. keep it coming – is umar mein aur budhape mein bhi πŸ˜› πŸ˜€ …. waise, as far as this post is concerned, you blew me away! I was in splits, unable to control myself due to involuntary hysterical laughter!!

    Specially LOLZ @ “Bullah Ho Gya Kharah β€” the Rise of Bullah” – that was stunning and side-splitting!

    But I do think you *came* (*wink*) overboard with the VQ (vulgar quotient :P) in “Humare Woh Aap Ke Haath Main Hain” – although exceptionally funny and in amazingly bad taste (I mean that as a compliment :P), it might not be received well by potential female readers

    All in all, one super-cool blog post! Keep those posts coming! (to quote Nirvana: “Come as you are”) πŸ˜›

  20. GB…..ahem..have been following your posts for a long time…but somehow this one leaves a bad taste in the mouth..hoping to see you in your elements soon..regards

  21. Please take a break and come back with new ideas…I am a regular visitor to your site and frankly you are capable of way better than this…also, in my opinion, the prabhuji angle has been flogged enough… πŸ™‚

  22. Gems! Gems! Absolute literary (not Cadbury’s) gems in this post GB. You have exceeded yourself with this one.

    I hope ‘Isko Dekho’ becomes a recurring feature. Man, just thinking of Bindoo saying the ‘mooh safed’ line to Sylvia makes me lol. I have to stop reading your posts at the office …. people think I’m crazy to be laughing away while staring at the monitor.

  23. GB, Good for anybody else’s standards perhaps, but by your own high standards, this is a let down! Not able to put the finger on it but something it is for sure! Maybe didnt come across as natural – like making Gavaskar slog!

  24. “Humare Woh Aap Ke Haath Main Hain” LOL πŸ™‚
    A request:
    plz write on “secrets to woo bong chicks”.

  25. “It’s Time to Deesco: [Idea inspired from a comment here]”

    Thank you Great bong.!! I am honoured πŸ™‚

  26. Am I the only who is finding it difficult to wrap this around my head?

    “CPM Politburo member, Biman Bose said, “All party offices must remain open in order to allow the proper implementation of all political agendas, especially on bandh days so that the bandhs can go ahead smoothly.””

    Sigh.

  27. What worries me here is that some filmmakers may actually take your idea and make the film! If SLB can think of re making Charulata anything is possible.
    Great post!

  28. I’d much rather satire the Ghaleej Khalids, Deeper Gay Lots and Raja seniles and that ilk than Varma.
    Raja Sen is probably the worst.
    I dont think Varma’s comments were off the mark – most of his rebuttals were spot-on. One may not like his films but I think most of the specific review comments he rebutted deserved to be thrashed.
    The only sensible reviewer I can see is Baradwaj Rangan -a thoroughbred professional if there were one.

  29. Uniformly brilliant and quite simply one of your very best. I must say I am surprised at some of the negative reactions.

  30. Dude…..2 years of pent up response energy gives way today….have been reading you posts since summer ’06, & i finally HAVE TO respond today!
    I.G.N.O.R.E all the calls for being cautious in satire – dude this post should go down in the annals (or is it anals) of indian bloggin for rounding up all the protagonists of the indian imagination in one go.
    Swashbuckling – leaves me gleeful, happy & pleased (Arun Lal’s description of how Sehwag would be feeling after his running riot in the first Pakistan match)

    Way to go GB!

  31. Nice post GB. Definitely ticked my funny bone, though I have to admit it sometimes leaned a little too precariously on the ribald side.

    And yes, as someone pointed out, what is this no Dev Anand in 2012??

    And Manglik Bachchan cannot be more than 4 years old in 2012, so is this a la ‘Taare Zameen Par’ πŸ™‚

    On the overall post, I will have to agree with the rest that it is missing the easy spontaniety and crispness of your regular fare. But not to worry. One cannot be in full form at all times and even when operating at less than optimum levels your posts conitnue to be a good read. I am sure you will re-invent your self and be back to old form soon. Till then we shall continue to savour what you dish out. So keep them coming!

  32. @randomrant:

    You truly live up top your name. I am sure you are one of the erudite educated who populate the now world famous Rediff messageboards with your excellent comments!

    Raja Sen might not be to your taste, but he is a thorough, thoughtful, and pretty competent reviewer. After all he gives a reason for his point of view. As far as his biases, every reviewer has one, be it Indian or international. Pillorying him because he likes movies you do not, and vice versa, is the hobgoblin of small minds. Among all the reviewers on the Indian Web, Bharadwaj Rangan and Raja Sen are the best. If you ask me, being abused by the likes of the people who write in on Rediff messageboards is ample proof of his good taste!

  33. “Into this colorless world comes a new inmate β€”Gaytunde (played by Karan Johar) , once a prison-guard at the same facility who was fired by Aryan for helping an inmate pick up a bar of soap.”

    Brilliant! Brilliant!

  34. Loved it.
    Have read all your posts, and seldom leave a comment – but was forced to make an exception on this one. This was as brilliant or even better than the best.

  35. Sir jee,
    Last time it was come india come…
    This time:

    How about Surya Bore-jatiya and Karrion Jo-haar being the in”mates” in the same cell? Unke paas bahut sara come hoga- like making a eratic family saag (the way they hire vegetables to write/ Xerox their screenplays)

  36. Sphinx, why don’t you use your free time to read NYTimes?

    GB, some very inspired puns & general madness. Reminded me of the Borat movie (Yaadon ki Borat?) in that it is hit & miss, but the hits are brilliant & the misses are far between. And not to mention the many naugty bits πŸ™‚

  37. OMG! I should have visited this page sooner. I am guffawing uncontrollably right now. In fact, taking a breather. I have reached till Ek Aur Mohabbattein and I think I will go insane if I continue. .. wiat let me read the rest.

  38. LOL.. ok I am scripting the rest. The last two were power packed. ‘Lost in translation’ was the best part πŸ˜€ Poor souls who missed the humor in it owing to language constraints. Ram kaho.

  39. ROTFL – Scene 4 …am I the only one who found the irony ?

    Checked it out ..it’s just Vivid Videos.

    So long I haven’t visited/commented, the laptop didn’t even remember my name !

    Keep rocking.

  40. y dont u try writing some original stuff for bollywood,there any many takers now for ppl like u ,i am sure your “prabhu ji ” may even act in one or may be “baby prabhu ji”

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