March, Year of the Lord 2009. [Link]
“If Trinamool Congress comes to power, we’ll show what is called development. Tell me why East Midnapore’s vast coastline, Digha, cannot be turned into Goa? Or northern Bengal cannot be developed like Asia’s Switzerland, when we’ve all resources available in these regions?” Mamata told a press conference in Kolkata.
“Kolkata is an international place and it will be transformed into London, if Trinamool Congress comes to power,” added Mamata.
March, Year of the Lord 2013.
This is Ghatothkoch Basu, reporter for BBC (Bongiyo Bakwaas Company) and ITV (Ilish TV), reporting from the city of London which used to be known as Kolkata which previously used to be known as Calcutta. Today we take a look at the transformation that has taken place in the state under the leadership of chief minister Boro Didi who from yesterday has requested that she be called ” The Big Behen” after the “Big Ben” of UK’s London.
Right now we are standing outside TataByeBye Palace, a building that was once a factory but has now been transformed into a grand memorial for Bengali industry . Tourists are gathering to witness the change of guard when the Singur Peto Panchoos will transfer their pipe guns and country-made bombs to the Malda Division outside the steel gates that say “Lock Out” on it in big letters.
We have with us to give his reactions Mr. John Smith who used to be known as Janardhan Sen. He runs a local tea-shop “Earl Grey Cha” for government clerks, poets, ex-Naxalites masquerading as independents and striking workers.
Located on a street named after Calcutta’s millions of unemployed youth namely Bekar Street, “Earl Grey Cha” is the state’s second biggest business house in terms of revenue just behind Beenapani Mistanna Bhandar, makers of fine chana-r (cottage cheese) pudding.
So Mr. Smith, how do you like the new Calcutta aka London?
John Smith: “Bloody good old chap. Now I serve tea by the pint.
Before the bloody officers would be sleeping at their desks. Now they catch forty winks.
Before we would say “Abbe West Bengal ke minister”. Now we just say “Westminister Abbey”.
Hooghly Bridge is now London Bridge. Looking at the amazing maintenance of civic facilities, we do get a kick out of singing “London bridge is falling down, falling down” now mate.
The “parar” (community) mostaans and gundas are all Dukes and Earls.
The parliamentary elders now sit at Lords Bakery.
Mohan Bagan is Manchester United. East Bengal are the East Enders.
And yes most importantly the intellectuals now talk in cockney. What is there not to like?”
Mr. Smith do you have any opinions on the sea-side Digha becoming the new “Goa” and North Bengal the new “Switzerland”?
John Smith: “Yes. I like to take my family out to the countryside in London’s preferred mode of environment-friendly transport—cycle rickshaws. You can hardly recognize Digha now. The old seedy gambling joints near the beach are now called casinos and the “dheno” they used to package in old Mother Dairy plastic bags is now sold as locally-brewed beer to all the foreign tourists that thong Digha—foreigners from Bangladesh that is !
As to the Jungfrau region previously known as North Bengal, I have not been there for a while. But my brother whose old “Joker moori lozenge” company is now called “Swiss confectionary” says the new changes have been marvelous. Cannot tell you more as he has been stuck on a ski lift for the past month as there has been no power in the region.”
Thank you Mr. Smith for your valuable insight.
Coming up next, we go live to Oxpur University where a band of formidable girls from the engineering school calling themselves “Iron Maidens” will perform the theme song for the city— “Children of the Damned“.
[Link via separate mails from Suhel Banerjee and Shubhadeep Roy]