God Is a Match Fixer


A very interesting article in the New York Times today.

Then it will be time to test one of the most bizarre and revolutionary theories in science. I’m not talking about extra dimensions of space-time, dark matter or even black holes that eat the Earth. No, I’m talking about the notion that the troubled collider is being sabotaged by its own future. A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather.

Holger Bech Nielsen, of the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen, and Masao Ninomiya of the Yukawa Institute for Theoretical Physics in Kyoto, Japan, put this idea forward in a series of papers with titles like “Test of Effect From Future in Large Hadron Collider: a Proposal” and “Search for Future Influence From LHC,” posted on the physics Web site arXiv.org in the last year and a half.

According to the so-called Standard Model that rules almost all physics, the Higgs is responsible for imbuing other elementary particles with mass.

“It must be our prediction that all Higgs producing machines shall have bad luck,” Dr. Nielsen said in an e-mail message. In an unpublished essay, Dr. Nielson said of the theory, “Well, one could even almost say that we have a model for God.” It is their guess, he went on, “that He rather hates Higgs particles, and attempts to avoid them.”

Read the whole article for a more full understanding.

Or perhaps not.

What the theory implies that some agency, let’s call him/her/it God, prevents the success of the Large Hadron Collider project because the discovery of the Higgs Boson is something “He/She/It” abhors, perhaps because it might destroy everything that there is. The idea is not new and there have been variants of this basic premise. According to another kind of speculative theory, there are infinitely many possible universes , with each decision point creating multiple universes. Out of these multiple universes, there is a subset of “feasible” universes (for instance one where Abhishek Bachchan is not married to both Karishma and Aishwarya or one where Akshay Kumar is an ascetic or one where water flows down and not up) and we are currently in one of those “feasible” universes. Taking this idea forward, there may be other parallel universes where the Large Hadron Collider has succeeded (i.e. Higgs Boson produced) though the one in which we reside is NOT  one of them. According to Nielsen-Ninomiya, since the production of Higgs Boson itself may render an universe infeasible and since we reside in a feasible universe, the experiment will never succeed. This is essentially an extension of what is known as the anthropomorphic view of the universe (for more on this read Lisa Randall’s “Warped Passages“) which essentially says “Since we, important as we are, live in this universe things must always work out for the good in order to keep us existent”.

This of course explains a lot of things. For instance why Satyen Bose, after whom boson is named, never won the Nobel prize because God, being self-loathing, abhors Bongs as well as Bosons. It also gives a way the seemingly ridiculous event of Obama winning the Nobel prize may be rationalized —-any other path in space-time with an alternative winner would lead to  the destruction of everything. This is why God “fixed things up”, in essence snipping off branches in the decision tree with foreknowledge of what would happen if those paths were taken suggesting the possibility that many of what we think are “choices” do not exactly exist and that “match fixing” might have religious significance.  This also explains many other mysteries from why I got out 37 of 100 in the nightmarish Maths Second paper in Class 12, why Gatting tried to reverse-sweep Alan Border to why Uday Chopra ever acted in a movie  . Simply because the universe might have been annihilated otherwise.

And finally it provides a complicated, intellectually-masturbatory framework for justifying what grandma is fond of saying: “Bhagawan jo kartein hai acche ke liya kartein hain”.


33 thoughts on “God Is a Match Fixer

  1. Interesting view point indeed. It does explain the many not-so-normalities, though “isme bhagwan ka haath hain” view sets negative publicity for HIM I guess.

    However what is more fascinating (has always been at least for me) is the concept of parallel worlds. If there is a parallel world completely opposite of this particular “feasible” universe, I think that must be the real perfect world. We are just one possibility where everything was just screwed up.

    I try and be happy thinking in some other parallel world Rakhi Savant is not blabbering half-naked in film industry but heading a mahila samiti.

  2. When the collider was turned on for the very first time, an electrical connections misfired, causing CERN to curtail operations.
    This in effect proves that “God” indeed is a match fixer and wants to keep the Boson out of the picture !!!
    Also, anything Bong or in this case named after a Bong cannot and shall not be revered in this “Feasible Universe” !!!

  3. Somewhat related to this science vs god debate- just finished reading Angels & Demons- Dan Brown, I thought this age-old debate has been rivettingly brought out in this book….

  4. In one such parallel universe, all Nobel prizes are generally won by bongs. This year, we had bongs in all disciplines

    1. Literature – Mamata Banerjee ( wholesome entertainment)
    2. Peace – Chhatradhar Mahato
    3.Chemistry – Jyoti basu ( for his electricity from blood theory. Remember, “rokto diye gorbo Bokreshwar”)
    4. Physics – Sourav Ganguli ( since no Nobel for sports, but we had to give one to DADA, hence physics)
    5.Physiology or Medicine – Dr.Suryakanta Mishra ( for population control measures in Nandigram)
    6. Economics – Asim dasgupta ( for most consecutive zero deficit budgets in WB)

  5. Very interesting and humorous as always 🙂 …

    Interestingly quantum mechanics and its predictions, of cat being dead and alive at the same time.. whose extension to the far right(or left!) is bosons sabotaging its own formation… and whether god plays dice or not (or fixes match or not) is what kept Einstein and Bohr on fight most of their life 🙂

  6. THIS IS THE END OF SCIENCE AS WE KNOW IT!!! Think of the implications of this crazy theory. God is not just a match-fixer, he is a monopolist too who doesn’t want his monopoly status to be threatened by aspiring humans. So he has sent us on a wild goose chase by planting revolutionary anti-god scientists like Darwin or Dawkins on earth!

    It can be argued that knowing the deepest, ultimate secrets of universe would threaten the existence of our universe (Who would want to be just one of the zillion, insignificant microscopic organisms that make up our universe after learning- How to create your own Universe) So our universe will never allow its mystifying mysteries to be revealed to us, petty little particles of no importance. Now, why waste billions on hadron colliders?

    Its time we stop all funding to science and divert some of the funds to build large stone statues, idols, monuments, temples and churches in reverence to the unknowable, but all-knowing, omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscience maha-molecule, almighty atom, Higgs Boson, the prime particle, the mighty mover and shaker of the universe, dance around its idols singing ‘I wanna higgy-wiggy with you, boson” !!!

  7. From the never-dull ‘news of the weird’ section of our local paper:

    Improbably Successful Pick-up Line: In September, school officials in Australia’s Queensland state said they were investigating an incident earlier in the year in which two teenagers had consensual sex that they recorded on a cell phone camera. The girl reportedly said she was convinced to lose her virginity out of fear that the world would soon end as a result of the scheduled re-start of the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland, later this year. [Courier-Mail (Brisbane), 9-2-09]

    Man, I wish I thought of this when there were solar eclipses when we were growing up. All we did was run to DD & watch movies, since staring at a b&w screen was considered safer than staring at the sun.

  8. GB, how come no words from the viewpoints of Atheist? They’ll be up in arms soon protesting how can they be ignored… (and also gays, feminists, leftists, etc, etc).

  9. Now I understand why
    1. Sreesanth becomes violently epileptic on the field irrespective of how badly he is bowling
    2. Rajanikanth and Vishnuvardhan still dance with sexy young chicks with Swiss greeneries in the background
    3. Mamata Banerjee blames the CPI(M) even when a crow shits on the roof of her Ambassador – “Shorojontro…cholchhe na cholbe na”.

    and most importantly,

    4. The U.S keeps giving monumental sums of money – big enough to feed a whole country for a couple of years as alms (bheekh) to Pakistan despite the universally known and accepted fact that it would be used partly against India and partly to supply arma and ammo to Al-Qaida, LeT and other similar organizations.

    The world, by now, including you me and everyone else would be in shambles otherwise.

  10. Pingback: links for 2009-10-14 « Unjustly

  11. 37 out of 100 ??? You???? did I read that right or the examiner wrote it in reverse???.
    never mind , as Nevil Cardus would say the scorecard is ________

  12. a complicated, intellectually-masturbatory framework LOL! can you give a synopsis of what exactly these people would be like??

  13. ki kothin article….etake blog na bole article ba column bolai bhalo….

    Thanks for writing on some topic you usually don’t touch – although in a typically greatbong style!!!

  14. Hi there.

    Have you read the science fiction book “Flash Forward”.
    It starts in CERN, the first chapter shows the “Un-Godly” happenings that results from it…instead of a regression, it progresses human consciousness 20 yrs fwd. Its a very fast, interesting read.

  15. Now I know why I didn’t get a raise this year. I don’t feel bad about my company anymore for shamelessly promoting and keeping incompetent people. I’d rather work on lower pay than be destroyed. Also Obama getting nobel for bull shitting makes sense. As for Nobel for Bongs, Mithun can qualify easily in all the categories every year. But I guess we should rather have the award named after him instead of him getting the award.

  16. I read this is in economist, liked it “Nobel prize is given to low life dissidents in east and alpha males in west”.

    Regarding that god does not want us to discover higgs particle in the collider than why did he/she let us know about it. If God was really on something, he/she would have discredited the theory by one his/her messenger..

  17. Bong da,

    Do you think in a reverse “rab ne bana di jodi ” style …god will feel sad that he has thwarted our attempts to understand bosons….and now that we now his tricks…he will allow CERN experiment to happen…bhagwan ji yeh kya game hai….

  18. The book ” Timeline” by Crichton had a distantly related concept in that particles from the parallel universes may affect an event thus branching out another universe from that point. I am not sure whether or not this is a valid theory. In the book he took as example the common diffraction of light experiment .

  19. GB your ability to articulate perfectly random thoughts and theories fascinates me more than any theory like this 😀 very good! keep it up

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