The Power of Feng Shui

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Times of India is often pilloried for not adhering to the highest standards of journalistic integrity.

They are not alone.

I came across this stunner from Hindustan Times.

I had never heard of this guy before. His name is Mohan Deep and he is the father of Feng-Shui. How do we know? Because Sekhar Suman the Grey said so.

Did you know that Rekha’s misfortunes are due to some imbalance between Ying and Yan ?

The interior of her bungalow, especially bedroom, is in white and pastel colors. So is the décor around her. White and pastel indicates Yin energy. More important, everyone working in her house is a female emitting the same Yin energy.

There is too much of Yin and unless she changes it to Yang, starts sleeping in her nien yen direction (Southeast), appoints some males on her staff, replaces white & pastels with red and yellow, hangs a bright bulb in Southwest Rekha is bound to remain a spinster.

There also is the Manglik factor that is astrologically responsible for the suicide of Mukesh Agarwal and death of Vinod Mehra, the two men she married and a serious accident of Amitabh Bachchan with whom her involvement bordered on obsession.
Along with her, the fate of her secretary Farzana and other women around her too has been sealed.

Do you have a gay relative? Do you wonder why he is gay ? It’s not in his genes…….according to Mohan Deep—-it’s the way he arranges furniture. It’s all very logical. Really.

The Feng Shui theory is that there is a Yin in every Yang and a Yang in every Yin. Yin is femininity, and Yang is masculinity. Yin is passive and Yang is active. The balance of the two in a person determines his sexual preferences. But in every heterosexual person lurks a homosexual, and vice versa.

The Yang or Yin energy around a person, too, has a role to play in determining his sexual preferences. Too much Yang surrounding a man may be the reason for a man being gay. And an excess of Yin in and around a woman may be the cause of her being a lesbian, or single or both.However, balancing the Yin and Yang of any person
needs to be done with meticulous care after studying the case thoroughly.

Alarmed at the fact that there is a gay man lurking inside, just waiting for a wrongly placed chair to take control over me, sent shivers down my spine.

I have always believed that everyone has a right to his sexual preference so long it doesn’t encroach on someone else’s. However, it is true that being gay is definitely extra baggage in a society, which treats homosexuality as a `mental disease`.

Often, parents consult shrinks to cure their homosexual sons, and even shock treatments are used to treat the sons! So, where does Feng Shui come into the picture?

I have successfully used Feng Shui on a client who, to my satisfaction, is now happily married to a girl of his parents’ choice. The marriage was consummated. True, my client also continues to have relationships with same-sex partners. But he is excited at discovering his bisexuality. And all this has been without the use of any drugs, any therapy and any counseling, unless you term Feng Shui as therapy.

What the f***. Feng-Shui does not get rid of homosexuality—-it makes you bisexual ! In other words, you become happy with whatever you get. No seriously, how can this dude be the Father of Feng Shui if his advice increases both Yin and Yang energy to such an extent that people become bisexual ? Get the electrodes out…..its shock time.

Mohan Deep is indeed India’s last renaissance man. Apart from being the Father/Mother of Feng Shui, he is the master of purple prose having penned tell-all biographies of Madhubala, Meena Kumari, Rekha and similar Feng-shui challenged personalities. At the above site, you can buy copies of these books at the modest price of $200 each (original author autographed no less).

But the high point of his literary life is the tome “Nehru and the Tantric Woman” —-a searing achievement which made him “the most readable author this generation had produced”. Says who ? Yin and Yang both.

So what is this all about ? We will let the great man speak.

Nehru and the Tantrik Woman is a play in the French traditions–a blend of fact, fiction and fantasy. Set in the emergency period when Jayprakash Narayan, Atal Behari Vajpayee, L K. Advani, Morarji Desai, Mrinal Gore, George Fernandes, K.R. Malkani, Rajmata Scindia and many other stalwarts belonging to the then opposition parties were jailed under MISA. The play is about a (fictitious) search for a messiah–this search is for the much speculated son of Jawaharlal Nehru and Shraddha Mata, the son who, if discovered, could fight the tyranny of the emergency unleashed by the person who might be his half-sister.

Sounds familiar? Of course. This is what Dan Brown copied the main thesis of “Da Vinci Code” from. Only he replaced Jawaharlal Nehru with Jesus (even the “J”s match) and Shradda Mata with Mary Magdalene (even the “M”s match)——-and out came an international bestseller.

Shameless.

If you thought the stuff about Opus Dei and the Priory of Sion was controversial, it’s obvious that your bedroom windows face the wrong direction. Here is a sample of the startling revelations made by Mohan Deep  in his book about Nehru.

That Jawaharlal Nehru, the first Prime Minister of India was involved with Mridula Sarabhai, Padmaja Naidu, Shraddha Mata andLady Edwina Mountbatten? (See the picture)
-that Shraddha Mata, a Tantrik woman, is said to have delivered Nehru’s child in a convent in Bangalore?
-that the love child of Jawaharlal Nehru may still be alive in India and he may be a man in his early fifties now? And that his birth date is estimated to be 30th May, 1949?
-that though Nehru’s private secretary M.O. Mathai confirmed the existence of the child, no efforts have ever been made to locate him?
-that Jawaharlal Nehru and Subhas Chandra Bose, two national leaders, lusted after Padmaja Naidu, the daughter of a third national leader, Sarojini Naidu and authentic information is available to prove the fact ?
– that Mrs Indira Gandhi abhorred her aunt Vijayalaxmi Pandit, because she had once, as a young girl, overheard Vijaya describing her (Indira) as `ugly and stupid`?
-that a yogi in the Himalayas blessed the atheist Motilal Nehru and sprinkled water on him thrice from his pot, and thereafter Motilal sired three children: Jawaharlal, Krishna and Vijayalaxmi?
-that Vijayalaxmi Pandit wanted to marry Syud Hossain, a Muslim journalist working for The Independent but Mahatma Gandhi was against it and didn’t allow it?
-that Mahatma Gandhi believed that the sexual act was only for procreation and insisted that everyone close to him should take an oath of celibacy after marriage? And that Vijayalaxmi Pandit defied him?

Wow.

Not having had the privilege (nor sadly the inclination) to read this masterful opus, I however caught a glimpse of his amazing gift for writing expressive prose by reading some extracts—his lines truly evoke beautiful images.

An example.

On his gay client who became bisexual after Feng-Shui:

But my client is as happy as a child who has just learned cycling and this has given me a high which even alcohol can’t match.

Note the subtle analogy between a man’s first heterosexual experience and riding a bicycle……and also how the author’s fondness for drink is drawn into such a simple line. Such economy of expression.

But once I read the glowing testimonials of Mohan Deep’s Feng-shui services, I became even more impressed. People selling women’s “innerwear” benefitted from his advice, men have started “jogging towards the path of happiness” , an Indian guy who used to work in Washington Times and was fired after 9/11 got a better job (any job is better than working for WT)……..truly amazing life changes.

And all of this just by buying a picture from Mohan Deep or by carrying Feng Shui energized coins in the purse.

If only I had taken advantage of Feng Shui !

Cause if I had, then by now I could have been moving around in a chauffeur driven vehicle with my purse full, secure in the knowledge that I own 5 shops selling women’s innerwear and looking forward to a leading role opposite Nagarjuna.

Leading role opposite Nagarjuna —you ask ? Why would I want that?

Of course I would.

Because by now I would have become bisexual !

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9 thoughts on “The Power of Feng Shui

  1. You should limit yourself to writing about subjects you understand. You’re clearly out of your depth when you write about Feng Shui. Always make an attempt to understand something before trying to reject it.

  2. Thought of writing a comment in ur blog quite a few times, but finally doing it.
    not much of a blogger myself, but quite a regular reader of urs for a month or so now.
    i like this article, more so bcoz i am an atheist.
    although i dont have much against people who are harmless believers.
    but people who MISUSE this belief for their own good are too many.
    i am not sure of my capacity to change this, but really want to do something about it.may be something like an atheist mission as suggested by aldous huxley.
    the humour, the satire is appreciable, but more importantly thing need to be changed.

  3. What would we do without such kind of WTF-ery…atleast they give u enough blog-fodder.. 🙂

    On a side note: I think Vijaya Lakshmi did call Indira “ugly and stupid”. Alex Tunzelmann’s well researched “Indian Summer” (don’t go by the cover page or the subtitle, grossly misleading) makes the same claim, although I haven’t checked her reference either.

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