The Oscar Committee Minutes


Scene: Four men sit around a table. In front is a Orson color TV from 1988 and a DVD/VCD player from Santosh Electronics.

Cast: Harmesh Malhotra (Hammy),
Vinod Pandey (Vindie),
Jagdish Sharma(Juggie),
Vikas Mohan (Vics)

Context: 4 of India’s movie giants are deciding which movie to send to the Oscars.

Hammy: Ok gentlemen please let’s finish this please— I am not feeling particularly well. Frankly, if you ask me none of these movies are worth sending to the Oscars. (Looking wistfully)….My great works of art–Nagina and its sequel Nigahen were path breaking movies——-a buxom lady who turns into a python err cobra …if that’s not an original story idea then tell me what is. Even today snakecharmers play the “Pa pa pa pa pa…. Main teri dushman dushman tu mera, main nagin tu sapera” song on their daily rounds. And not one bastard thought these movies were worth sending to the Oscars….

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Ganguly Hai Hai



Down with Sourav Ganguly !! Down down the Debauch Prince of Calcutta ( a columnist for a leading sports source shows his true colors in the picture on the left).

I was aghast. I used to love this guy once upon a time. I always knew him as an arrogant, petulant yet honorable man who backed his players aggressively, never played politics inside the team and was always first in the line of fire.

This was before Greg Chappell with his bcc mail to aakha India told us exactly the opposite. Ganguly is a wolf in sheep’s clothing—-according to the uncut Chappell email I got, it’s he who got Kim Sharma to leave Yuvraj Singh so that his performance suffers and the Maharaja can stay on in the side. Pathetic.

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Baise Moi


It’s time India launched a formal complaint with the UN and sent the fashion police across the Line of Control to arrest General Musharraf.

The reason? At a conference on woman’s rights in Pakistan, he wore a blue and pink tie to symbolize cooperation between men and women.

An alpha-male of the first order abandoning his battle fatigues for a pink tie ! Really people like Gen Mush should not try to be the sensitive meterosexual type because the facade slips away so fast that it’s positively embarrassing for unabashed admirers like myself.

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Vienna Calling


As I walked the lawns of the Hofburg, the dazzling palace of the Hapsburg emperors, my eyes were drawn to a group of hippie types smoking, quite openly, a few exquisitely colored and shaped Bongs. Being a Bong myself (and a great one at that), I naturally stopped to admire.

A little context. Our conference was being held in Baden (not to be confused with Baden Baden…that’s in Germany), the pleasure retreat of a few of the dudes who habitated the Hofburg and one afternoon, I sneaked away after the bluster and verbiage to do some site-seeing in Vienna or as the locals call it Wien.

Not having a guide book and also not having much time, I just wandered around the Opera House and the lawns on the Hofburg, marveling at its grandeur and its manicured lawns (where the Bong smoking was going on). Only later did I realize that for a long time what I had been enraptured by was only the backside of the palace——feeling quite like a fool I then wended my way to the front side. Boy oh boy –all I can say is that Hofburg is no JLo— the front is much more magnificent than the back.

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Ganguly—End of the Road?


What really happened between Sourav Ganguly and Greg Chappell before the Bulawao test?

Sources close to the Indian team tell me that Chappell told Sourav to take off his shirt ala 2002 Lords and pretend that Greg was actually Nagma. Sourav Ganguly asked Chappell if he was serious. When Greg told him that he was not, Ganguly felt rebuffed, got angry and threatened to resign.

For another version of the events, read this.

Okay accepted that this version of events probably did not happen but why should it be any more authentic than the version from Cricinfo? I dont know about you but when one of the most respectable sources of cricket writing carries a slanderous article based on unauthenticated “sources close to the team” collected by “Cricinfo staff” , I find it somewhat against journalistic ethics of objectivity and balancedness.

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Mithunism—-The Religion


A buxom lady is going to have the shoulder of her blouse torn by a bunch of marauding ruffians. Suddenly, a bottle rolls on the ground and a Man enters the screen. The ruffians ask “Who are you?” In a voice that would make the blood of tigers run cold (old jungle proverb), He says:

Dikhne me bewada, daudne me ghoda, aur maarne me hathoda hoon main

The man. The legend. Mithun Chakraborty. Some call him Mithun-da, most call him Prabhuji.

Mithun-da is one of my idols. I will go even further and say He is my God. I believe in Him. And like any fanatic, I am extremely impatient with some people who laugh at Him, compare Him unfavorably to Amitabh and Shahrukh Khan just because He is supposedly “down market”. I think these people should rot in Hell with 72 virgins. 40 year old male virgins that is.

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Hey Teacher Just Leave the Kids Alone


A few weeks ago, we all heard of a principal, Srinivasa Rao of Vijaywada who took digital photographs of girl students in the nude and posted them on the Internet (link to the Internet posting article I could not find). His punishment was to stand in his underpants in a thana in Vijaywada.

Today I see another incident —Bobby Chachan , the principal of Bethany Boarding School in Kurseong who, in a drunken fit, hugged and tried to kiss a 15 year old girl of the school. Police have picked him up.

The alarming thing is that for every perv outed, there are 100s of more prudent ones who pass muster under the guise of respectability.

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