The Oscar Committee Minutes

Scene: Four men sit around a table. In front is a Orson color TV from 1988 and a DVD/VCD player from Santosh Electronics.

Cast: Harmesh Malhotra (Hammy),
Vinod Pandey (Vindie),
Jagdish Sharma(Juggie),
Vikas Mohan (Vics)

Context: 4 of India’s movie giants are deciding which movie to send to the Oscars.

Hammy: Ok gentlemen please let’s finish this please— I am not feeling particularly well. Frankly, if you ask me none of these movies are worth sending to the Oscars. (Looking wistfully)….My great works of art–Nagina and its sequel Nigahen were path breaking movies——-a buxom lady who turns into a python err cobra …if that’s not an original story idea then tell me what is. Even today snakecharmers play the “Pa pa pa pa pa…. Main teri dushman dushman tu mera, main nagin tu sapera” song on their daily rounds. And not one bastard thought these movies were worth sending to the Oscars….

Vindie: Yes sir we know. But that is even more the reason we should not let what happened to your movies happen ever again. See sir, I made this movie called “Sins” which was about a Catholic priest who beds a lovely teenage lass—I showed so many exposure shots sarrji….hoping that it will get foreign distributor. This guy from MeeraMin, sister organization of Miramax told me that the US will not accept Catholic priests sleeping with innocent girls—–if I had shown young boys then it would have been more realistic.

Juggie: Then you should have done your research Vindie. Now you tell me what was my fault? I made “Sapoot” —-an amazing mafia story that would put Godfather to shame. I put in the song ” Main ladki ka deewana, Ladki na hoti kuch bhi na hota, Tu bhi na hoti main bhi na hota”—the most succint expression of love between man and woman. And the-then shortsighted jealous committee refused to send it to Oscars. I got wiser and made the movie ” Devta” (God) with the greatest God of all, Mithun-da. Still no Oscars. So Hammy stop cribbing.

Hammy: Mithun-da. Yes even I made “Cheetah” with him—kya concept tha, kya acting tha…they copied it and made Bourne Conspiracy. And talking of imaginative songs even I had “Chachundar ke sar pe na bhaaye chameli, kahan Raaj bhoj kahaan gangu teli” (Dulhe Raja) —a singing competition between India’s Al Pacino and De Niro—-Govinda and Kader Khan. And I look at these movies—-and none of them have even half the class of my movies. Perhaps Veer Zara to a certain extent.
And oh yes, this “Mangal Pandey” thing—tell you what—-I made “Mangal Pandey” in 1982 yes sir 1982 and here comes Aamir Khan, rips the idea off and thinks that he can go to the Oscars. Not on my beat—no boy not after plagiarizing me ! Hah…a word of advice to Aamir: leave the plagiarization to the experts.

Viks: Well I have to accept that I have nothing on you great filmmakers here. But even I made Arzoo with Akshay Kumar and Madhuri—-which holds the record of having been pulled off the screen midweek in some centers. I always knew it had no chance….actually.

Vindie: Yes sir, so we have to decide. Next year I can assure you there will be no need for decision. My movie “Red Swastika” which is about an insidious plot hatched by the Nazis and Communists (the theme goes down well with the Oscar community) will sweep the awards. Let me show you some pre-release publicity sir……

Mona Chopra strips full top to bottom in Vinod Pande’s Red Swastika setting precedence in India
Lara Larani May 27, 2005

Well we crossed the bridge as Ash says. Mona does it. She strips full in front of camera not afraid of any one including the censor board.

”In Red Swastika I play a psychotic killer. She kills people in the most gruesome manner but has no regrets over it. In this film there’s a sequence that I am sure will make headlines. It’s the film’s USP too. I am shown taking a shower and my back is naked from top to bottom. I am going to be shot from behind and I expect some part of my side profile to be visible as well. But it’s going to have an aesthetic appeal. The audience won”t find it vulgar or obscene,” she says.

According to some flexography technicians in Bollywood, she is unbelievable when drops her clothes on camera!

Viks: Wow…flexography technicians…total Hollywood.

[Greatbong interrupts: For the convenience of my male readers, here is the link for google image search results for Mona Chopra…something I am sure all of you must be thinking of doing right now if you havent already done so already by this time]

Vindie: (Proud smile)….Nothing left to chance.

Hammy: Well, if you ask me my choice for the Oscar ticket is “Model the Beauty”. The reason is the beautiful DVD writeup—it has an extremely international feel to it. Here it is:

Model The Beauty is an emdoiment (sic) of lessons that tells us how a small misunderstanding can burn the pleasures and dreams into ashes. Not only this but the story also tells the viewers that if somebody takes time in deciding to ventilate his love, the bord (sic) of moment flies far away never to come back again. The feeling of repentance gets converted into revenge and even makes our own life hell Sandhya and Sunil were living in a fragrant dream world which was full of pleasures and love only. When Rahul came know about Sandhya’s marriage, his feelings got hurt to the extent that a best friend converted into an enemy. He left no stone unturned to web a net of misunderstanding between Sandhya and Sunil. He was about to succeed in his game when a bar dancer Kanchan exposed his intentions before Sandhya. Now Sandhya played a reverse game against Rahul which caused the ultimate fate the death of evil by hands of Inspector Khan.

Viks: Here is my pick. It’s called Qatil Nigahen and if this does not make Steven Spielberg pee in his trousers, nothing will.

Juggie: I was thinking more on the lines of “Tauba Tauba” or “Laila”. I am sick and tired of pandering to stereotypes of India—–let’s show the Americans that our desi girls “bhi modern hain”—-in other words, they want to do husband swapping.

Hammy: No no no…Juggie we need to send a movie that does cater to Western stereotype of India. After all, that’s what the Chinese do—–in all Chinese movies, there are lot of Oriental color, the protagonists fly about and there is some crap about honor and love….if I had sent a movie with Mithun as hero and a name like ” Jis Ghar Main Chakoo Urte Hain” do you think I would have any chance? That’s why we need to play to our strengths.

Viks: Which is ?

Hammy: One word “Paheli”. As I just mentioned, there is a huge demand for Chinese movies in US art house circle—-with a name like “Paheli” it may fortunately be confused for a Chinese movie—-Bruce Lee, Bruce Li ki behen Chus Lee, JetLi, Ang Lee, Paheli……

Vindie: Sounds interesting…go on.

Hammy: Then like Chinchong movies, we have a whole lot of color in “Paheli”. And outlandish head gear. Juggie will understand that the sexual awakening of an Indian wife in suburban India (which Americans will think rural Rajasthan in the middle ages is) is going to generate some Oscar buzz. Also getting pregnant by a ghost sounds like a cool idea…..even Patrick Swayze could not do that in “Ghost”.

Vindie: So “Paheli” it is then. It’s a pity we could not send Qatil Nigahen and that other movie—because Hammy here has a point. I shall draft a press release soon—-tell the bewakoofs we considered Veer Zara, Page 3 and Black…..but all of us know what bakwas those movies are in any case.

Still feel bad for Qatil Nigahen though.