When there is faith, there is no fear.
— Aap Ka Surroor the Moviee 2007
One of the most standard plot devices in porn movies is to have a beautiful, surgically augmented hottie in a flimsy nightie prancing about, alone at home in a sunlit mansion, when in comes the “pizza man” or the “gardener”. And before you realize it, intense amorous action is initiated accompanied by passionate facial contortions and rapid locomotion of assorted body parts. The key to enjoying what follows is to suspend disbelief—to accept without questioning that there is something about the pizza man or the gardener that makes women jump on him, without the exchange of even the minimum of pleasantries.
In “Aap Ka Surroor the Moviee”, Himesh Reshammiya is that pizza-man. Not that he takes his clothes off—though it has to be said he does show a disquieting amount of male cleavage. It’s just that the moment he appears on screen women and even men, in Europe, go wild with lust/passion/love/devotion. Busty lawyers start going “Ali ali” and throw themselves at him. Every few minutes, someone utters a variation on “tum kitne famous ho”. The promoter of his show exults: “Duniya ke sabse bade performer ho tum”. The heroine says—“There is nothing about you I do not like.” The heroine’s dad tells him: “Bahoot naam roshan kar rahe ho humara desh ka. You make us proud.” As if that’s not enough, the heroine tells her dad “He has no starry attitude. Koi dikhawa naheen”. He does not drink, likes girls in salwar kameezes (presumably the only cleavage he likes is his own) and is beyond greed, lust or any of the vices we know of. By the way, he can also hack through security keypads using his Jedi music force.
And lest anyone thinks that this superman Himesh plays on screen is just a character in a movie and not a reflection of his self, let me point out that the protagonist’s name in the “Aap Ka Surroor” just happens to be Himesh Reshammiya.
Does the moviee have a story? Well yes. Though it would be more accurate to call it a sequence of events and scenes strung together on the most tenous of plot threads, whose sole purpose is to illustrate Himesh’s total grooviness. Kind of like a Hanuman Chalisa of the times. As they say at the start of the movie: “Bhagwan ke screenplay bhi kitne ajeeb hain.” Well I don’t know about God’s screenplay but ‘ajeeb’ does not even begin to describe the screenplay of “Aap Ka Surroor”.
Himesh, the world’s greatest rock star, visits Germany where he is accused of molesting and murdering the investigative reporter, Nadia—a German hottie who through some genetic mutation (considering she has not a speck of any Indian inherited feature) or perhaps through a case of ” Kauwe ne cheel ka chumma liya aur cheel ne chuhe ka baccha paida kiya” (dialogue courtesy: Loha) is Raj Babbar’s daughter. As Himesh is arrested in Germany he is read out his Miranda rights and given the right to remain silent. Needless to say, that is the last thing we can hope that Himesh will do. Breaking out of jail in an escape sequence that looks straight out of a Monty Python skit, and aided by his band of friends and his biggest constituency—the autowallahs of Germany, Himesh Reshammiyya ultimately cracks the mysteriee, in a way that would make Sherlock Holmes break his pipe and scream: “Tanhaaiyaaaaa”.
Himesh Reshammiya’s acting is a revelation. Just like his most exquisite works of music are but an assemblage of simple notes, his acting is also a composition of very elemental histrionic elements. First there is the constipated, eyes slitted intense look. Then there is the Angelina Jolie -Narasimha Rao pout which we are to believe make women go weak in the knees. And of course the passionate eye closing “passing-stool” expression. For variety, he also bites the air and sometimes preloads “expressions” on his face even before the dialogue that is supposed to trigger that expression has been spoken.
The choice of sixteen-year-old Hansika Motwani as the virginal consort of our hero displays some Jacksonian traits in our superstar’s preferences—possibly he also believes in having tomorrow’s adults today. Mallika Sherawat plays Ruby James, a lawyer with bulging artificial legal briefs tied to her chest, a dangerously seductive woman whom every man desires. Yet she has eyes on only one man. Yes we know who that is. The pizza man.
But then again as I watched the magic unfurling on screen, I realized there really is something about Himesh. Something unfathomable. How else can you explain that a monument to extreme narcissism emerges as the favorite to be the biggest hit of 2007 —recovering its gigantic costs in three days ? Is it an animal magnetism that he radiates? Is that why, despite being clad in a burqua, he was recognized at Ajmer Dargha? Must have been the superstar smell that led people to point to a dark burqua clad woman and shout: “That’s not a lady. That’s Himesh Reshammiya.” Or perhaps he was the only “woman” around with a beard and a nasal voice. We will never know.
What we do know is that a sequel is being planned and no matter what the story or the other actors in it, it is going to be a hit because of “his” presence in it.
Call it a movie or a “moviee”, an epic “luv” story or a shameless monument to self-worship—-the truth is that Himesh Reshammiya brings in the “moniee”.
And that’s really all that matters.