The Crank Call

[Following is a pure work of fiction wherein my demented mind tries to imagine what the famous crank call that almost caused a Indo-Pak war must have gone like. Any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental. ]

Aide to Pak President Z: Phone sir. From India.  Foreign minister Pranab Mukherjee.

Z (on other line): Yes Mr Hafeez. Koi problem naheen. I understand that as head of LET, you are our honored mehmaan. I promise you sir today your mutton kebab will be hot. I apologize for yesterday…I know how much you hate cold kababs. Now I have to go. Indian foreign minister on phone. Yes sir. I will make kabab myself today and bring it personally to your room. You not worry. Ibrahim bhai will be there too…oh good…we will all play Jihadopoly together with fake Indian currency…no…

Z: Yes. Mr. Mukherjee. What seems to be the problem? I dont understand why you people keep calling and wasting your peak minutes. We are not going to do anything about our non-state actors. Get that into your thick…

Cold voice on other end of line: Aiii salaaaaaaa…….

Z (suddenly feeling a chill run down his spine): Excuse me? Pranab-babu?

Voice: Main hoon zulm se nafrat karne wala. Garibon ke liye jyoti aur tum jaise gundon ke liye jwala….

Z (still confused):Who is this?

Voice:  Main sab jihadiyon ke naakh main woh challa pahenoonga jo kothe pe kunwariyon ko pahenaya jata hain jise kahete hain nath. Aur jab koi bewada un sab jihadon logon ka nath utarega na, tab maut ke rath pe baithkar seedha upar chala jayega.

Z(now clutching the receiver): Get me the ISI chief. The Indian foreign minister mujhe danger aadmi lagta hain. He is making threats.

Aide: Sir ISI chief is cutting vegetables for the Taliban chief’s dinner.

Z(whispering “Get me someone”): Mr. Mukherjee, are you threatening me with war?

Voice: Zalzala jaag utha hain. Hum aise laashe bicha denge jaise nanhe munhe bacchein ke nunni se pesaab tapakta hain. Tap Tap.

Z: Nunnii………Look here Mr. Mukherjee. I have told you before and I will tell you again. We have nothing to do with the LET or with…

Voice: LET ka thookh chata hain tumhein. Pesaab piya hain uskaa…..

Z: Attacking Pakistan will have severe consequences. I hope you realize….

Voice: Jahaan nimboo naheen ghusta, wahan nariyel ghused dete hain.

Z (whispering: “Where is the chief of Staff?”)

Voice: Aligarh ke chor bazaar main bikne waale toote huye taalein, tera gala sunke aisa laagta hain jaise tu lal mirch ke chaatni par bina kapdon pe baith gya.

Z: You are leaving me with no choice but to…

Voice: Kyon phepren phaatke a gya na halak ke bahaar?

Z (shaking): I am sure the US wont be happy when I tell them what kind of language you are using.

Voice:  Do chaar chaaye aat dus. Bus.

Z( now screaming): Army, Navy, Air Force.  Battle stations !The Indians have gone mad ! They are punching in nuclear launch codes. I just heard them. Yes this man did it right now….2,4,6,8,10. And he even finished with a “Bus” which means “The End”……Get the Chinese translator to go over those nuclear missile manuals with our people. Yes right now…..

[Another version of the incident here]

[Dialogs courtesy Gunda, Aag Ka Toofan and similar other great works.]

40 thoughts on “The Crank Call

  1. iPod … yay!!!!

    you missed Rape karna kya buri baat hai 😛

  2. Thanks GB for linking to my blog at the end of the post. When I wrote this last night the first thing that came to my wicked mind was how you would spin the yarn. The dumb have truly inherited the world. Otherwise how in the name of Jesophat will any tom dick harry caller get through to the Pakistan president? what cracked me up was, according to media reports, zardari actually thought he was talking to Pranab mukherjee and tried to reason with him. and when Rice called up pranab at the middle of the night to reprimand him like a school boy for threatening zardari, he was bewildered. I can almost see the scene play out. 😀

  3. Amazing. Mazaa aa gaya!!

    GB, a tiny request. If you can link to any youtube videos with the memorable dialogues?

    PS. Never heard of nunni. Is it a translation into Hindi of nu-nu?

  4. Too Good ji..Too Good..!!

  5. This is good one. great..if some prank caller can get through to president shows how Pakistan government is functioning.

  6. Only you could come up with this! Brilliant!

  7. Oops! Tried to write in bengali script.

  8. [Totally off topic] From Wikipedia :

    “The Communist Party of Pakistan (Urdu: ??????? ????? ?? ???????) is a communist political party in Pakistan. The CPP was founded in Calcutta (India) on March 6, 1948. A decision was taken at the Second All India Conference of Communist Party of India, which was held in Calcutta at that time, that a separate communist party ought to be created in the new state Pakistan. The thesis was that Pakistan, being a small (in comparison to India) and unstable country was ripe for revolution.”

    At the end of the topic, as usual, there was a link to the official site of this organization.

    Now comes the nice thing. When clicked, the link displayed the following :
    “Reported Attack Site!

    This web site at has been reported as an attack site and has been blocked based on your security preferences.

    Attack sites try to install programs that steal private information, use your computer to attack others, or damage your system.

    Some attack sites intentionally distribute harmful software, but many are compromised without the knowledge or permission of their owners.”

    There was a big friendly button below this wonderfully illuminated piece of literature which cried out, “Get me out of here!”.

    There was also a small link at the bottom right corner of this show which dared me to “Ignore this warning”. Mujhme utni daring nahin thi. I’m a lowly coward.

  9. Brilliant Arnab !!!
    On second thoughts, I just think he was trying to prove that he is the soulmate of Sarah Palin.

  10. well…if hoax call story is true…..tht shows how good president Z is….
    even if it was pranav mukharjee…Z shud have known…indians only threaten, dnt attack…

  11. Absolutely Brilliant!!

    Z apologizing for cold Kebabs was LOL … ‘non state actors’ always get the honored treatment… D would wholeheartedly agree …

  12. Sorry GB

    That was way below par for your standards…

  13. ROFL!! This was too good!!

  14. GB,
    Very funny. But somehow didnt enjoy this as much as earlier similar posts, given the tragic background.

  15. “Get the Chinese translator to go over those nuclear missile manuals with our people.” too good

  16. gr8 post as usual ..and im sure u only wrote this post bcoz it gave u a chance to write the “Gunda” dialouges …….

    reading something like this with whatever’s happenin does lighten up the mood ….

  17. Arnab_Da,
    Here is the recording of another TOP-SECRET call between the Imran Khan & Nawaz Shariff (contains strong language, discretion advised. Please use headphones, not work safe)…

  18. Hey, Your thoughts on Chidambaram being the new Union Home Minister?

  19. Terrific. The Chinese translator for their nuclear missile manuals… Hahaha.

    @Deepak Iyer, The Sarah Palin connection is also a great take.

    On a similar vein, have you read my account of a debate between Shivraj Patil and Sardar Patel –

    And if you really like fictional conversations (and Greatbong is really tolerant about shameless plugs) you may want to also read :

  20. Arnab Da have u heard this latest joke on chidambaram being Home Minister.

    As a finance minister he brought down sensex from 21000 to 8000
    we hope he will bring down the terrorist attack as home minister.

  21. @ DJ

    LOL. As a finance minister he also took the sensex from 3000 to 21000. Why’d you have to concentrate on the -ve things always? Typical Indian trait, isnt it?

  22. “Get the Chinese translator to go over those nuclear missile manuals with our people.” Too Good.

  23. @sdas:

    thats what i said……

  24. @Andy_pundit


  25. I am wondering why no Pakistani “analyst” has said that Kasav’s real name is Keshav 🙂

  26. GB,

    Demented mind surely but not yours…Zardari’s….the Prabhuji twist confirms that there is nothin impossible for Mithunda…and I am strong beliver that this might have happened…will prmote this as a thoery to all around..if Pakis can promote Hindu-Zionist thoery…this is far more creative and just….Jiyo GB, Jiyo Prahuji.

    I hope the army is planning to use Prabhuji for any covert operations planned…still cant forget Mithunda climbing a 60FT wall in Watan Ke Rakhwale…that too without any mountaineering gear or Spiderman suits or power….simply defying all laws of gravity as he has defied unjust law-makers and law-breakers.

  27. keep up the gud wrk!!!!!!!

  28. @get local
    Because they arent that smart.
    Here is a good theory that Islam-ists will lap up.

    The proof that the terror attacks was a Hindu-Zionist conspiracy, comes from the name of the surviving terrorist.

    Kasav is actually Keshav, named after the famous patriarch of RSS, Dr. Sri Keshav Baliram Hegdewar.

    Kasav’s (na Keshav) was made to believe in the false propaganda by the Hindu Zionist RSS, that all these Jihadis have been killing and forcibly converting Hindus for the past millenium.

    Every morning Keshav would go to a RSS Shakha where he was made to watch “propaganda” material on the brutal massacre of 3 million Hindus in Bangladesh.

    He was brainwashed by showing authentic census data that Hindu population in all Muslim majority areas since 1947 have declined. On the contrary Muslim population has almost tripled in India since 1947.

    All lies, lies and lies.

    Keshav was also brainwashed into thinking how Muslims attack fellow Muslims, in a deadly spiral of hate, once they run out of non Muslims to kill. All for the sake of the Koran.

    All this brainwash poisoned Keshav’s mind. He decided to kill more people.

    After killing these people Keshav started calling himself Kasav, so that he can give a bad name to Muslims.

  29. Finally, vintage GB!!!

  30. @think global

    Reminds me of how people from my village used to call Kader Khan, Kedar Khan!

  31. Made me laugh so hard at work people around me were wondering whats wrong.. too good.

  32. Hum aise laashe bicha denge jaise nanhe munhe bacchein ke nunni se pesaab tapakta hain. Tap Tap. !!! LOL

  33. Too good!definitely among ur best comedy works!tummy hurting like anything 😉

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