[Following is a pure work of fiction wherein my demented mind tries to imagine what the famous crank call that almost caused a Indo-Pak war must have gone like. Any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental. ]
Aide to Pak President Z: Phone sir. From India. Foreign minister Pranab Mukherjee.
Z (on other line): Yes Mr Hafeez. Koi problem naheen. I understand that as head of LET, you are our honored mehmaan. I promise you sir today your mutton kebab will be hot. I apologize for yesterday…I know how much you hate cold kababs. Now I have to go. Indian foreign minister on phone. Yes sir. I will make kabab myself today and bring it personally to your room. You not worry. Ibrahim bhai will be there too…oh good…we will all play Jihadopoly together with fake Indian currency…no cheating..na…
Z: Yes. Mr. Mukherjee. What seems to be the problem? I dont understand why you people keep calling and wasting your peak minutes. We are not going to do anything about our non-state actors. Get that into your thick…
Cold voice on other end of line: Aiii salaaaaaaa…….
Z (suddenly feeling a chill run down his spine): Excuse me? Pranab-babu?
Voice: Main hoon zulm se nafrat karne wala. Garibon ke liye jyoti aur tum jaise gundon ke liye jwala….
Z (still confused):Who is this?
Voice: Main sab jihadiyon ke naakh main woh challa pahenoonga jo kothe pe kunwariyon ko pahenaya jata hain jise kahete hain nath. Aur jab koi bewada un sab jihadon logon ka nath utarega na, tab maut ke rath pe baithkar seedha upar chala jayega.
Z(now clutching the receiver): Get me the ISI chief. The Indian foreign minister mujhe danger aadmi lagta hain. He is making threats.
Aide: Sir ISI chief is cutting vegetables for the Taliban chief’s dinner.
Z(whispering “Get me someone”): Mr. Mukherjee, are you threatening me with war?
Voice: Zalzala jaag utha hain. Hum aise laashe bicha denge jaise nanhe munhe bacchein ke nunni se pesaab tapakta hain. Tap Tap.
Z: Nunnii………Look here Mr. Mukherjee. I have told you before and I will tell you again. We have nothing to do with the LET or with…
Voice: LET ka thookh chata hain tumhein. Pesaab piya hain uskaa…..
Z: Attacking Pakistan will have severe consequences. I hope you realize….
Voice: Jahaan nimboo naheen ghusta, wahan nariyel ghused dete hain.
Z (whispering: “Where is the chief of Staff?”)
Voice: Aligarh ke chor bazaar main bikne waale toote huye taalein, tera gala sunke aisa laagta hain jaise tu lal mirch ke chaatni par bina kapdon pe baith gya.
Z: You are leaving me with no choice but to…
Voice: Kyon phepren phaatke a gya na halak ke bahaar?
Z (shaking): I am sure the US wont be happy when I tell them what kind of language you are using.
Voice: Do chaar chaaye aat dus. Bus.
Z( now screaming): Army, Navy, Air Force. Battle stations !The Indians have gone mad ! They are punching in nuclear launch codes. I just heard them. Yes this man did it right now….2,4,6,8,10. And he even finished with a “Bus” which means “The End”……Get the Chinese translator to go over those nuclear missile manuals with our people. Yes right now…..
[Another version of the incident here]
[Dialogs courtesy Gunda, Aag Ka Toofan and similar other great works.]