Pariyon Aur Haiwanon

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After the rip-roaring success of “Da Vinci Da Gupt Katha” comes the sequel “Pariyon Aur Haiwanon” (English: Angels and Demons), another nail-biting conspiracy thriller from the team of Dhan Brown, Ron Coward and Panty Shah.

In the world’s premier nuclear physics research facility CERN (Chattisgarh Entropy Research Nigam), Dr. Ganga (played by Mandira Bedi) , expert on super-string theory (she calls them noodle straps), has been able to isolate what high energy physicists call the Mamata particle, a sub-atomic “Nano” particle produced by colliding Jyoti Bosons.

The power of the M-particle is so enormous that if it comes in contact with matter, it will create a catastrophic explosion. So catastrophic in fact that there will never be any industry or prosperity within 250 miles of that cataclysm. Ever. Which is why Dr. Ganga keeps the M-particle in an egg-shaped vacuum chamber (called the Charu Sharma container) under high security.

But then one day she finds a Charu Sharma container full of M-particles gone.

The scene shifts to Harvard University, Ooty campus where Professor of Symbology, Bimbology and Dialogbaazi Krishnan Iyer PhD (also known as Robert “Langda Don”), former faculty at Lund University [played by who else but Mithun-da], is cavorting in a swimming pool with seven 250 lb female research assistants in skimpy clothing (played by seven baby whales from San Diego zoo).

A gentleman (Joginder) introduces himself as an emissary from the International Cricket Council. A crisis has arisen during the elections for the ICC president. The four “chosen ones”, out of which one would be elected as the new president, have been kidnapped.

And a mysterious message has been left, a message that only “Langda Don” can decipher.

A detached testicle.

Balla re Balla.

The “Langda Don” (Dushman ke lashon pe bhangra karne waale kabhi langda naheen hote) immediately recognizes this as a sign that the Testis-a-rati have returned (hence the testis).

So who are these people?

As the eminent “Magna cum laude ” scholar informs us—–the Testis-a-rati is a secret cabal of Test match connoisseurs who have a blood oath to obliterate the T20 form of cricket from the face of the earth. Because of this, they have been driven into hiding by the retributive activities of the T20-loving ICC. These detached gonads and the kidnapping of the chosen ones seem to be their revenge on their historic nemesis, the ICC.

Flying over to London where the ICC elections are being held, the “Langda Don” meets “The Lala” Modi (played by Shakti Kapoor), the man behind the ICC and a T20 faithful of the highest order. Modi tells the “Langda Don” that there have been other developments.

A mysterious video has been sent to the ICC, a video in which a figure calling himself the “fake IPL player” sitting in the shadow and claiming to be a “Testis-a-rati” master has threatened to execute the four ICC-president hopefuls using the ancient Test tortures (bat like Shastri, bowl like Raghuram Bhatt, field like Sandip Patil and umpire like Shakoor Rana) following which he will detonate the M-particles, hidden somewhere in the ICC headquarters.

Modi impresses on the “Langda Don” that this insidious plan needs to be stopped and the ICC’s billions need to be saved. He demands immediate action.

“Langda Don” will have nothing of it. At least not before he takes a strategy break in which he dances, along with Dr. Ganga also drafted into the cause, to “Swarg main milegi mujhe apsara yakeen hai, lekin aapne gaon ki gori bhi to haseen hai,Β  husn ko deedar kiya to kya buda kiya, kisi se jo pyar kiya kya buda kiya. Bolo…maine koi buda kiya”.

The “Langda Don” then reveals his plan. The only way to foil the plot of the “fake IPL player” would be to travel the secret Testis-e-rati route. And the clue as to where the first step in the path can be found would only be obtained by analyzing the transcripts of the commentary given by Arun Lal, a secret Testis-e-rati master who sought to escape ICC censure by hiding secret clues about the organization through his commentary, intentionally made inane (“It is raining. It is wet all around.”) to hide its intrinsic profundity.

A dangerous journey now starts for the Langa Don and Dr. Ganga from the ICC’s top-secret library.

A journey that combines insight, courage and pure genius as Langda Don cracks one code after another and still gets a glimpse at Ganga’s top quarks from time to time (which may be the reason why he sometimes mumbles to himself ” Apun ko massive hadron hain”).

A journey that takes them to the temples of Test cricket— public restroom in Eden Gardens, Shane Warne’s kit bag,Β  the Long room at Lords where clues are obtained from random things like in which direction the flush is aligned in the broken urinal at the High Court end of the Eden Gardens.

A journey in which Langda Don reveals many ancient Test secrets—like why Mohinder Amarnath carried a red hankerchief in his pocket, what Vengsarkar said to Malcolm Marshall for which he never ever forgave him, why Sambaran Banerjee never played Test cricket. Not to be outdone, Dr. Ganga also uncovers many things about Schrodinger’s pussy we never knew of.

A journey where the shadowy “fake IPL player” is always a step ahead of them as corpses drop like catches from the hands of Dilip Doshi with their seared chests branded with logos of IPL corporate partners.

How will it end? Will the M-particles be released creating Kolkata in London (as opposed to London in Kolkata which the Trinamool Congress has promised us)? Will the world be saved by the Langda Don? Will Dr. Ganga’s noodle straps hold up? And most importantly will the Testes-a-rati master be unmasked and the victory of T20 be made complete?

To find out watch “Pariyon Aur Haiwanon”.

—————-

Addendum: An appeal to donate for Cyclone Aila Relief.

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70 thoughts on “Pariyon Aur Haiwanon

  1. Asadharan ………hahahaha…. have been following your posts for the last few months …each post is treat and a tickle…Mithun style…”Jio Raja”

  2. Fan ‘bloody’ tastic!!!!!

    Best ever is it? The fluidity is awesome! The narration surpassingly filmy! The plot as sketchy as the Tom Hanks film!

    You ‘da’ Man bro!!!

  3. bhai dil se bolta hu, bohot bohot din baad padh ke maza aaya. im all nostalgic about your blog right now, thinking back to why i got hooked onto it, the time you went medival on salaam e ishq.
    P.S. you have a soft corner for arun lal. admit it.

  4. Oh sweet Lord, bless the good world! Rejoice! Vintage Great Bong is back!!! Mithun da, cricket, the innuendos, the swarg mein milegi apsara mujhe yakeen hai songs, Lund university, Shakti Kapoor and all those good old things we love about this blog!! Thank you Great Bong — more power to you!!

  5. Pure, un-adult-rated Greatbong after a considerable perion of time πŸ˜‰
    Mandira Bedi as Dr. Ganga? Duh, Adha-nanga sounds much closer to truth. And really GB, Ganga’s top quarks, on top of her size zero binary stars, were not that difficult to make out below the haze of her intergalactic clouds. Moreover, we readers really want to know the graphic details of how Langda Don finally discharged his massive hadron. Did Dr. Ganga manipulate the levers? Also, I have reasons to believe that it was Schrodingers testicle that was hacked off. Schrodinger’s scrotum was in danger right from the beginning!
    And finally GB, why no reference to cheergirls?
    Cheers!

  6. Great.. one of funniest ever…

    P.S. the link to “Parnab-A beautiful mind” doesnt seem to be working..

  7. Great Bong!!! Take a Bow….This is your Masterpiece…Classic Dance of Love and the I dare say…yes I dare say- the Gunda review has nothing on it…It is brimmming with intense, lampooning humour at evry word, comma , fullstop, noun adjective adverb

  8. GB, You have got some innovative imagination…

    This one hits you harder than your earlier posts..

    SUPERB WRITING..

    The way you linked Arun Lal to Shakoor Rana to ‘Jyoti Basu-Bosons’ and ‘M-particles’..truly amazing..

    This is the reason why I am up reading your blog @ 4:30 in the nite in Delhi..

    I am left with no doubt that you are one of the best bloggers around..

    P.S: You could have even strung JU into this story with ur imagination

    U Rock

  9. Brilliant. Wicked humor at its best. I guess the appropriate title would be “devdut aur danav”. and I sincerely hope Appam C would find a place in the temples of test cricket

  10. GOD level work man! Loved it .Been following your page for a year now . Always avoided commenting cuz saying “you rock” and “i loved what you wrote” is like saying “saurav plays spinners well” . Obvious and an understatement πŸ™‚ . But this one is FANTASTIC ! keep up the good work !

  11. I was waiting for the your quizzing commitments to get over, the wait for the next post was getting unbearable..- 2 posts in 2 days..Vintage Greatbong stuff..
    You are God Level Arnab da…

  12. Arnab – jiyo guru jiyo – ghyama post.

    “bat like Shastri, bowl like Raghuram Bhatt, field like Sandip Patil and umpire like Shakoor Rana”

    Ha ha ha – brings back childhood memories of my uncles working up murderous rage over Shastri wasting ball after ball in the most crucial moments of games.

  13. “A journey that combines insight, courage and pure genius as Langa Don cracks one code after another and still gets a glimpse at Ganga’s top quarks from time to time (which may be the reason why he sometimes mumbles to himself ” Apun ko massive hadron hain”).”

    Simply wonderful…
    definitely one of the best posts ever

  14. ROTFL!!!

    Wonderful…. ki kheye likhechho eta dada?? πŸ˜€

    “And the clue as to where the first step in the path can be found would only be obtained by analyzing the transcripts of the commentary given by Arun Lal, a secret Testis-e-rati master who sought to escape ICC censure by hiding secret clues about the organization through his commentary, intentionally made inane (”It is raining. It is wet all around.”) to hide its intrinsic profundity.”

    This was top class! πŸ˜€

  15. Simple, pure and demonic genius you are GB. How I wish the movie “Angels and Demons” was one-millionth as entertaining as this post.

    I read this post about four times and every time, it revealed something I had missed in the previous readings. The way you take concepts from random domains (physics, cricket, Mithunda, Mandira, politics, vaccumed up brains, conspiracy theories and of course the original material) and string them together along with beautiful plays on words (Jyoti Bosons, noodle/superstring, quarks and hadrons[Too good !] fills me with nothing short of awe. How in the name of Truckdriver Suraj do you do it ? πŸ™‚

    I read almost all Indian blogs of note and many American blogs but no one, I repeat no one, day-in and day-out produces as much quality content as you.

  16. Top Class! The flow is as good as the far-fetched similes! This is the first time I am reading your blog, and I must tell you I am going to read the entire of it! This is brilliant stuff.

  17. Arnab, have been reading this blog for some time now but never posted any comments. If someone could actually make a movie involving all the above characters ( Do Ramsay Brothers still make those ketchup dripping movies ???), thats a sureshot blockbuster. Chattisgarh Entropy Research Nigam……Awesome !! Brilliant post Arnab. Eagerly awaiting the next one.

  18. I have been reading you for a long time now, but could not resist adding a line to this post, best ever πŸ™‚

  19. Quintessential example of super random thoughts of a supremely demented mind!!! Well done and Jai Ho!!

  20. And equally demented minds comment!! There is a reason why I spend substantial time reading the blogs and the comments therein…

  21. mostly i do not comment….but could not help it this time.

    this is just awesome…..the gunda review cannot hold a candle to this one.

    if there was a voting feature…this would rate as one of your best….

  22. :))))))))))…………………

    U must watch atleast watch the trailer of ‘Dum Lagaa ke..’ .

    Latest Prabhu-Speak
    “I am a alltime (or something similar) married bachelor” at the finals of Dance India Dance. Here, he was called Grand Master! (probably inspired by ‘Mahaguru’ as he was called in a Bangla channel dnace show). He was sporting a ‘Matrix Meets J.J Vallaya’ look!

  23. After a long time, a Greatbong type post. For a while the writing had lost momentum.

    Finally, you got the ‘Sildenafil citrate’ to add oomph to your writing. Well done.

  24. Totally hilarious…

    …just a minor quibble; I am pretty sure “haiwan” means animal, not demon…but then again, that was probably your intention & I missed the joke. So never mind.

  25. Pingback: Conceivation | Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind

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