Da Vinci Da Gupt Katha

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An RTDM exclusive. Remember you heard this here first. I was one of the privileged few that sat through the premier of ” Da Vinci Da Gupt Katha” at the Dannes (pronounced Daance as in Disco Daance) festival held every year at Ooty—-and in a word (okay two words) —it rocked.

Mithun Chakraborty, the greatest actor alive, plays Krishnan Iyer, Ph.D. No he is not the nariyel paani wala from Agneepath but a professor of symbiology at Lund University. The movie opens with Krishnan Iyer delivering a lecture to the brightest students of the world in Paris explaining the origin of the symbol “420”.

At the same time, the curator of the Louvre museum, Kamana (Rakhi Sawant) is being shot (using a gun that is) by a mysterious albino assailant (Bob Cristo) who keeps on whispering “Main Hindoostan ki tubahi kar doonga”. He walks away strangely without finishing the act —- leaving the voluptuous curator three-quarters dead. Knowing she has only a few minutes to live, Ms. Sawant’s character starts stripping in super slow motion—desperate to send a message to the only man who understands nudity, now that Raj Kapoor is dead.

As the lecture finishes and he is mobbed by autograph seekers, Prof Iyer is approached by a French policeman who whisks him away ostensibly to make sense of the bizarre murder. The professor is ushered into the Louvre where he sees Kamana lying nude in a pose that censor boards would have baulked passing a year ago. The police captain in charge of the crime scene, Capt. Bulli played by Mukesh Rishi (who subtly shows his French pedigree by giving the audience glimpses of his VIP Frenchie elastic ala Saif in “Salaam Namaste”) wants Iyer to interpret the message the dead lady was trying to send : a cryptic code written in tomato ketchup that reads “d3669 ”

This is when Amisha Patel playing the role of Sophie NoBrain, the famous police cryptologist barges in. She surreptitiously hands Iyer a visiting card which has a 1 900 number ($2.99/minute + tax) scribbled on it. Wasting no time he calls it to hear NoBrain’s voice telling him, in that hushed Amishanian whisper, to not make any expression of alarm and come meet her in the ladies restroom.

Prof. Iyer, used to such urgent encounters with strangers in rest rooms, hurries to the meeting place making some excuse to Capt. Bulli. After all seeing Kamana that way has set off all sorts of thoughts in his head. But no. Things are quite different.

NoBrain warns him of the grave danger Prof Iyer is in. The French captain had not brought him in as an advisor but as the prime suspect. They have no intention of letting Iyer walk out of the museum unarrested. Because there is something Iyer does not know–a line that Kamana wrote which the police have wiped away before he came.

It said “I need Iyer badly”.

Professor Iyer smiles slightly. He had deduced Kamana’s intentions long ago—this was merely a confirmation. After all who did not “need” him?

NoBrain, no mean cryptologist tells Iyer her interpretation of the symbols with wide-eyed wonder.

“Sir, 3, 6 and 9 are in Arithmetic progression. Also 3 + 6= 9. 666 means the devil and we all know that 9 can be read as 6. Also “d” can also be looked upon as 9 after some transformation geometry”.

Iyer is willing to have nothing of it.

“Bewakoof nari. Kitne durgandh a rahee teri shareer se. d3669 actually should be read as 36d and 69—-the only two alphanumeric concepts Rakhi Sawant or what’s-her-name-in-this-silly-movie was aware of. That’s why she wrote them down before she died. Logic use logic. Do you think this is a story written by that nonsense person Dan Brown where a person who has been shot can still think clearly and construct elaborate puzzles? Not even Prabhu-ji can write the Fibonacci series after a belly full of lead.

Abh chal bahoot ho gya natak, de de chummi chummi.” (English: Enough talk. Now give me a kiss.)

NoBrain smiles coyly: “But sir, the French police”.

Iyer says:” Use your brain. Cops. A lovely lass. Hero needs to make a get-a-away.”

NoBrain gets the message. Soon she starts dancing a seductive number, after a costume change—the superhit ” Char gaya upar re”. Two backup dancers repeating “Sha la” emerge from the shady nooks and crannies of the Louvre —one is called Mona and the other, yes you guessed it, Lisa. More follow. The French police are lost in music and lust and Iyer escapes through the window.

Prof Iyer and NoBrain are soon on the run—-from a strangely obsessed Capt Bulli, the sinister “Jhakas Dei”, an ultra-secret cult of Rajanikant fans, a deadly Swiss banker (Shakti Kapoor) with the lecherous “Khol do khol do account khol do” and a mysterious person determined to find out the Great Secret that Kamana gave her life for —a person who is not seen, nor heard only smelt — the “Fart-eacher”. (Hint: In this context, was the “I need Iyer badly” actually “I need air badly”?—puzzles puzzles all around)

Careening from one crisis to another, they alight at the mansion of an old friend of Prof Iyer: Sir JavaBean, the foremost expert on secrets, government conspiracies and nudity. The movie moves up a notch as Sir JavaBean’s eccentric British drollness is brought to life by Feroze Khan with his bald pate, cowboy hat and boots and the two cheetahs who sit on his knees.

And so begins the most intellectually stimulating part of the movie where Prof Iyer and Sir JavaBean try to decipher the reason why Prof Iyer and NoBrain are being pursued. What deadly secret have they stumbled upon? —a secret so explosive that it can shake the foundations of human civilization, a secret that is encoded in the “gupt katha” of Da Vinci, Darwin and Dino Moria as also in the incoherent mumblings of Arjun Singh.

Is it the affair Mumbai’s biggest star had with a bisexual leading lady?

Is it the identity of a leading man who has yet to come out of the closet?

Is it the location of the royal treasure of Jaipur that disappeared during the Emergency?

Is it actually a top Bollywood actress in that MMS clip we all have?

Is it the secret of Dev Anand’s energy?

Is it the true nationality of Arundhati Roy?

Well if I told you that, I would be Taran Adarsh—the movie reviewer from hell whose mission in this world is to divulge the endings of all movies and classify celluloid products as either “for the classes” or “for the masses”.

Thankfully, I am not. So I shall stop now, leaving you at the precipice of suspense.

As Iyer (who remember is Mithun-da the great) says to NoBrain: ” Yeh secret main itna lava hain, ki sunoge to tumhare kaan ke parde jaal jayenge, tumhare haathon se hosh ke kabootar ur jayenge“. [This secret packs so much hot magma in it that once you hear it your eardrums will undergo spontaneous combustion and the pigeons of your senses will go “gutar gutar”]

Yes it’s that shocking.

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117 thoughts on “Da Vinci Da Gupt Katha

  1. Hi,
    The privilege to write the first comment !!. Absolutely classic Arnab Da !!! Too good….Easily amongst ur best posts…..

    Regards,
    Abhay

  2. Dear GREAT BONG

    Hurray first one to comment!!

    some time you should start charging people for posting their scrawl on your “virgin” comment. i hope this will invite ire from saffron brigade

    Turn over Dan brown , great bong has “de flowered” you with Prabhu ji’s ashirwaaad.

    May the force of prabhu ji with you

    Cheers

  3. Arnab Hats off to you.Man you got your imagination running Wild,Wild,Witty.Kaash the original one had the same amount of spices as your review then it would have been a much better movie to watch.
    ps: Did you happen to watch Prabhu-jis latest blockbuster MLA Phatakesto.The movie earned 3 crores in 3 weeks.

  4. I bow down to thee!!!

    d3669 actually should be read as 36d and 69—-the only two alphanumeric concepts Rakhi Sawant or what’s-her-name-in-this-silly-movie was aware of. – ROTFL

    I still cant belive I cud not crack this code n me planning to give cat this year…jeeez I have lots of catchin up to do

    Cheers!!

  5. Byapok.Great admirer of ur work.Would like to see the ‘sequel’ where u reach the Great Scotland Church.

  6. Jaa taa capa tor shottyi…hullat puro;) I’m being subjected to the ordeal of the original one tonight with a bunch of jokers(including my better half). Thank God its the night show, so I can at least catch up on some sleep!

  7. Too, good! You are awesome writer. The only numbers rakhi sawant knows, only person to understand nudity – rak kapoor,a secret so explosive that it can shake the foundations of human civilization, a secret that is encoded in the “gupt katha” of Da Vinci, Darwin and Dino Moria as also in the incoherent mumblings of Arjun Singh. – all priceless expressions

  8. BRILLIANT JUST BRILLIANT GB…..btw one thing is missing…this muvi needs a “situational” Himesh Reshamiya (Sung, (de)Composed and heard by him) song!!!

  9. Mmmh 🙂 – Knowing you, (hehe, sigh the burden of fame!), I think you could have ripped it much better than you did in this review :D.

    Suyog

  10. Ahem! I tend to agree with Suyog on this one. Maybe for this once, Mithun da wanted to left alone hehe Nonetheless, I enjoyed it.

    So dark the Con of Pierre Plantard!

    jedi

  11. “Lund University” ,

    “desperate to send a message to the only man who understands nudity, now that Raj Kapoor is dead” ,

    “36d and 69—-the only two alphanumeric concepts Rakhi Sawant or what’s-her-name-in-this-silly-movie was aware of”

    “Is it the true nationality of Arundhati Roy?”

    Ahh…
    Splashes of fantastically crafted pleasures in life….

    Awesome, Arnab. 🙂

  12. Been reading for some time, but my first comment here. Absolutely brilliant! Hope our producer-saab turns up comparing your net worth with the millions that Sony has made from the film. That will complete the fun.

  13. “It said “I need Iyer badly”.”

    Do NOT do this to us poor people in offices! And don’t say we can always read the blogs from home, because currently I don’t have ‘net at home.

  14. “crannies of the Louvre — one is called Mona and the other, yes you guessed it, Lisa” – Amazing !!… why the heck are you wasting time doing “research in software engineering for safety-critical automotive systems” Comeback Ooty beckons…

    “Is it the true nationality of Arundhati Roy?”..Priceless. Yup the same lady who has no qualms receiving the “Prize”, sponsored by the largest Hedge Fund Group in the world (Man Group) all the while mouthing platitudes about the downtrodden & underprivileged in India..

  15. @Nandan, Anon, Vishal, Malayaj, Nikhil, Ram, Gaurav, Aqua, Gourav, deBoLiN, Nishu, Divya: Thank you.

    @Abs,Amit: Unfortunately there was a race condition between you 2 and Nandan for the first comment. Thank you of course.

    @Bishu: Yes of course ! Can someone please please upload MLA Fatakeshto somewhere—-I just so much want to see this work of art. 3 crores in 3 weeks—where is Proud Indian Producer when you need him !

    @Golmaal: Indeed there is.

    @IndianArchie: Yes I know what it means. No need to explicate though.

    @Shri: Back to the books for you….

    @Sudipto: A sequel aha. There is actually a prequel called “Pari aur Danav” where Prabhuji catches matter and antimatter in his left and right hand to prevent them from coming together.

    @Priya: Do tell us how you liked it.

    @Ideal Boy: Indeed it is.

    @Anirban: And did the colleagues read this also?

    @Bombay Addict: Feroze Khan. I think I wrote in the post why. Rami Reddy plays the nun who gets bumped off by the albino.

    @Anon: Sure. Just give us yours.

    @Easel: For that you have to torture yourself with 72 hours of non-stop Rajani and Balayya and then have to flick a cigarette into your mouth and do the sunglasses thing 100 times in a row.

    @Suyog: Actually this isnt a review. (Look at the categories). There is one thing noone yet has decoded or pointed out—-the hidden message in the picture. When I saw it, I felt it had an uncanny resemblance to Mithun-da (this is actually Tom Hanks) [just to confirm that I havent become mentally unbalanced, I showed the picture to Rimi who concurred that the resemblance was eerie]–at which point of time, I started thinking: How would Mithun-da do Da Vinci Code? I actually didnt find the movie that bad as reviews said it would be: it was what I had expected.

    @jEDI: I dont think you can leave him alone.

    @K: The Preity Zinta one.

    @Mohan : :-)…I would just LOVE that.

    @Sue: 🙂

    @Amit Pandeya: The biggest hypocrite/charlatan around. Period.

  16. @GB
    Most of the colleagues are German, and will not understand the essence of the religion called Mithunism. I do pity for them.
    However, all of my friends here agree to one fact. That the end of Da Vinci Code sucks.

  17. Arnab da

    Awesome stuff. “Khol do khol do account khol do”- Shakti kapoor’s voice just popped into my head making me laugh till my office mates stared……

    What a way to start this weekend ….

  18. Dude….I know you have never heard from me…but you are a genious….

    This secret packs so much hot magma in it that once you hear it your eardrums will undergo spontaneous combustion and the pigeons of your senses will go “gutar gutar”

    I gotta use this line sometime soon….

  19. Mmmh! Now that you say it – Wow! I must say LOL – that man in the pic does resemble a certain someone we’ve learned to love hehehe! I must agree – I didnt pay attention to this pic before, but I must say, u ar eright!

  20. I just watched it. That too dubed in hindi. Had no option.
    U can guess what a great time I had. Methinks Ameesha cannot do justice to the demanding role of ‘Nobrain’. she cant match the expertise of Payal Rahtogi .

    mukesh Rishi- insp. ‘Bulli’ is hilarious.

    P.S. Plz do a post on dubbed English movies.

  21. Haha.. Lund university.. Now i never knew such a university ever existed. LOL..

    You made my friday man.. LOL.. haha.. i was feeling tired in office.. Now i ll just go and sip some beer.

  22. Hilarious stuff Arnab. And yes, the man does resemble Mithun-da (at least in this picture anyway). I must confess, I barely paid attention to the picture when I opened your blogpage but the corner-of-my-eye was fooled into thinking it was indeed Mithun-da even before I started reading the post.. of course, part of the reason would be that I was on your blog but I’m sure its got something to do with the picture too..

  23. Man…

    Brilliant, brilliant post. 🙂

    “Feroze Khan with his bald pate, cowboy hat and boots and the two cheetahs who sit on his knees…..” – just picturizing this, gives my goose bumps goose bumps 😀

    And yes, that Raj Kapoor thing was CRUEL. Couldn’t stop grinning, that line haunted me all the way to the end of the post. Full marks there… couldn’t agree more. 😀

  24. d3669 actually should be read as 36d and 69—-the only two alphanumeric concepts Rakhi Sawant or what’s-her-name-in-this-silly-movie was aware of..ROTFLMAO.

    As usual, brilliant!!!

  25. Honouring the tradition of free-flowing humour as exemplified by Jagadishvara Bhattacharya’s 14th century classic Hasya-arnava-prahasana, I hereby bestow upon thee the title of ‘Hasya-arnava’!

    Keep it up…

  26. You rule, as always. PArticularly loved Jhakas Dei, and Feroze Khan’s droll Britishness.
    I seriously think a book in this voice would work just brilliantly. Do think about it.

  27. 1st class likhechho guru…It is just my kind of slapstick humour…great ..I wud also like to do something like this in the future……sure this needs much more imaginationj than the writing of the aily hum-drum,,,grrrrrrrrrrr8 going…..

  28. Is it the true nationality of Arundhati Roy

    Surely you do not want to define her majesty’s wit, wisdom and wiles by the parochial confines of national boundaries? She is a global citizen at the forefront of anti-globalization movement.

    The resemblance is really uncanny. It goes to show if you throw enough Oscars at anyone, he can start looking a little like the god. Now only if Philadelphia and Forrest Gump were half as good as Mrigaya and Tahader Katha.

    Great writing, as usual.

  29. 36D and 69?

    Elementary my dear Low-Watt Sons…. that ij the number-pair of the wone yand wonlee Chingaari, ze Sushmita Sen! The first number of this pair represents the Golden-Mean, a vitalstatistic that is observed on every “divine” feminine…. the funda embodied most perfectly in this princess of the chosen people, the Tribe of Bong…. one who was exiled to Gultu Land by the evil powers. But this alone is not sufficent for cracking the code as there are indeed other pretenders who possess this same statistic. The second number of the pair is, however, our clincher. This second number, 69 is simply 96 written in reverse! This is the year of the final century of the last millenium…. the year of the appearance of the Lady Sen in Bollywood. Gentlemen, we have a winner!
    Brilliant Dr Kamana….. even in her last pouting breath she knew that I knew she always does it the other way round. This is indeed a message for me. (Tears run down my cheek)

    The whole crime therefore points to the secret of the Sacred Fluid that fills the chalice, ooops bodice of the “Lady of the Sands”….. a patently misleading moniker, I say! The true nature of this fluid (once a common but pagan Yunani-Ayurvedic formula, now hidden and distorted by years of propagandu by the Orthodox Rhino-Mammaplastic Church) would shake the foundations of modern cosmetc surgery. Jhakas Dei is simply a cat’s paw of that crafty institution, a loyal monstrosity created by the Church following their successfull hair transplant on Rajnikant. Hmmmmm……. the plot thickenj. I pheel I yam veree veree kilose to the answers. Chal Dhanno!

  30. hey arnab,

    can you tell me how do u locate the IP addresses in a post. for some time a guy is using my name to do some fake things/posts in orkut. although i am not bothered but rather curious to know who is this guy.. and what makes me so important that i am his point of attack…

    sounak

  31. Pingback: DesiPundit » Da Vinci Ki Gupt Katha

  32. Oops… was too busy throughout this last week to post a comment here… thank God You chose this time to repost your Desibaba post, so that I missed a little less new stuff.
    Anyway, this post was awesome. No point in dissecting it line by line… each line was equally funny. And the photo… it was amazing! 😀
    And the secrets that you have mentioned… some of them are really more relevant today than the original Da Vinci secret… hope somebody does a remake on one of those soon. 🙂
    DVC’s supposed to release next week in Hyderabad though… waiting impatiently…

  33. truly brilliant sir. years ago i wanted to re-make Mohabbatein with Jimmy th Disco Dancer and Dev Anand as the head of a strict school where dancing was banned. You story makes my attempt at humor appear lame, stupid and forgettable. i bow to thee (thee thee, thee thee, thee thee thee theetheewa)

  34. Its incredible………………… Never had so fun earlier reading such things…………..
    Will like to have a similar thing on Angels and Demons and Digital fortress too………….

  35. GB, loved your post. Don’t be surprised to get offers from Great Indian Producer now on movies like “When Hari met Sali” (ya this one’s about incest), or “One flew over the Daku’s Chest” (about Daku-king Veerappan’s God-gifted ability…till recently…of dodging bullets).
    All the best.

  36. GB, you have to do a post on this. Check this out:
    GC and RD say before WI TOur that youth should be our mantra and ‘old’ men like Lax and Gangs cannot add value to the team becuase they are too slow.
    1 month later:
    “We lost because we lacked experience.”
    Ha!Ha!Ha!
    Yeah, right. The Indian public stopped Lax, Gangs and Kumbles from going to WI – dravid and GC were desparate to carry these experienced members – we only stopped them, right!
    HYPOCRITES!

  37. Too good 🙂 But I saw a rare typo –> surreptiously —> surreptitiously. I am not finicky usually but do not want to see any “daag on your spotless damaan”.

  38. Bheeshon bhaalo dada ! 🙂

    Hadnt come across such pure, unadulterated and unbridled humor since MAKI thun chakraborty in Agneepath;)

    Great work! will keep visiting.

  39. Great humorous piece!

    “Soon she starts dancing a seductive number, after a costume change—the superhit ” Char gaya upar re”. Two backup dancers repeating “Sha la” emerge from the shady nooks and crannies of the Louvre […] The French police are lost in music and lust and Iyer escapes through the window.”

    ROFL 🙂

  40. Just a suggestion:
    A post on the epitome of Bolly coolness, the great Feroz Khan with his headscarf, beads, full moon plate and the obligatory feline pet.

  41. YOURFAN writes:
    @GB:Was bogged down with family matters. You should give people like Taran Adarsh a real run for their profession/ daal chawal. I honestly think those idiots should be replaced by reviewers like you. How the hell could you come up with those priceless lines? After those family problems, I badly needed to have a hearty laugh – thanks for the humor.

  42. The funny coincidence (perhaps), folks, is that I think, an institution by the title of ‘Lunde’ university exists somewhere in Scandinavia. I’m almost certain of it….aaah the mysteries of education, how mithunda is intimately but secretly educated with a BOB degreee (Baap of Bakwaas).
    😀

  43. There are two ways to applaud a genius at work- by lavish praises or by silence. I am stunned into the latter. So Ill let silence speak- and hopefully it will- louder than words.

    Did you go to Lund ever for any confernece ?

  44. @All: Since I have been busy over the weekend with guests visiting, I didnt have time to individually thank you. So let me thank all of you for appreciating the piece. And as to Samit, yes I have plans for a book along these lines—a plan no more. And yourfan, I hope your family matters have been taken care of. No I have never been to Lund University.

  45. Got directed to this blog by a friend…couldn’t help but laud the sheer artistry of your work…rakhi sawant and 36d and 69…rotflmao…i had once thought of writing a piece on two sex starved ladies singin out “dildo la, dildo la” to a drunken “de-baas” but in hindsight i’m happy i didn’t make that pitiful effort…you piece rocks man…kudos

  46. Read all your Mithun blogs…simply brilliant…
    Which is why i’d like to bring to your notice that “prabhuji”, as you so rightly call him, has taken Bongland by storm with one of his recent hits “MLA Fatakeshto”…now i’m not much of an “art” film connoisseur so i haven’t seen the movie but i’m sure you will have some thoughts of your own if u should chance upon it. Eagerly awaiting the next blog in the series…

  47. Pingback: The Da Vinci Code — the movie » Niponwave

  48. oh my god,if GRE had a ‘laughter section’ the guy who wrote this must’ve scored a 800 on 800 [ofcourse he scores an 800 on the verbal too]…excellent narration skills,dude.no words to describe how funny it was(though i didnt understand some lines)

  49. Pingback: Da Vinci Code » Niponwave

  50. The name itself is hilarious…………n so is the entire stuff………..as far as i can make out from the comments, its the brainchild of someone named “arnab”………gr8 wit………KUDOS to arnab..

  51. Dhurandar
    I am a regular follower of the blog and it is quite popular amongst my friend circle
    my personal favs are this one and one dedicated for Gunda

  52. Pingback: Pariyon Aur Haiwanon at Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind

  53. Been digging through the archives alongwith warming the ‘bench’ from the last 2 weeks. I’ve started reading the archives in reverse chronological order.

    This is simplay THE best post i came across from the archives.

    Have read the Dan’s master piece and was quite amused the analogy you created.

    Should file the patent for coining the new term ‘Amishanian whisper’ – it was toooo much.

    There are many bloggers around but the wit with you write is just hilarious.

    Some people are born to do some things exclusively.

    Like Sachin was born to bat, you’re born to blog!!

    Kudos mate!

    – Nilesh

  54. Pingback: Conceivation | Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind

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