After the rip-roaring success of “Da Vinci Da Gupt Katha” comes the sequel “Pariyon Aur Haiwanon” (English: Angels and Demons), another nail-biting conspiracy thriller from the team of Dhan Brown, Ron Coward and Panty Shah.
In the world’s premier nuclear physics research facility CERN (Chattisgarh Entropy Research Nigam), Dr. Ganga (played by Mandira Bedi) , expert on super-string theory (she calls them noodle straps), has been able to isolate what high energy physicists call the Mamata particle, a sub-atomic “Nano” particle produced by colliding Jyoti Bosons.
The power of the M-particle is so enormous that if it comes in contact with matter, it will create a catastrophic explosion. So catastrophic in fact that there will never be any industry or prosperity within 250 miles of that cataclysm. Ever. Which is why Dr. Ganga keeps the M-particle in an egg-shaped vacuum chamber (called the Charu Sharma container) under high security.
But then one day she finds a Charu Sharma container full of M-particles gone.
The scene shifts to Harvard University, Ooty campus where Professor of Symbology, Bimbology and Dialogbaazi Krishnan Iyer PhD (also known as Robert “Langda Don”), former faculty at Lund University [played by who else but Mithun-da], is cavorting in a swimming pool with seven 250 lb female research assistants in skimpy clothing (played by seven baby whales from San Diego zoo).
A gentleman (Joginder) introduces himself as an emissary from the International Cricket Council. A crisis has arisen during the elections for the ICC president. The four “chosen ones”, out of which one would be elected as the new president, have been kidnapped.
And a mysterious message has been left, a message that only “Langda Don” can decipher.
A detached testicle.
Balla re Balla.
The “Langda Don” (Dushman ke lashon pe bhangra karne waale kabhi langda naheen hote) immediately recognizes this as a sign that the Testis-a-rati have returned (hence the testis).
So who are these people?
As the eminent “Magna cum laude ” scholar informs us—–the Testis-a-rati is a secret cabal of Test match connoisseurs who have a blood oath to obliterate the T20 form of cricket from the face of the earth. Because of this, they have been driven into hiding by the retributive activities of the T20-loving ICC. These detached gonads and the kidnapping of the chosen ones seem to be their revenge on their historic nemesis, the ICC.
Flying over to London where the ICC elections are being held, the “Langda Don” meets “The Lala” Modi (played by Shakti Kapoor), the man behind the ICC and a T20 faithful of the highest order. Modi tells the “Langda Don” that there have been other developments.
A mysterious video has been sent to the ICC, a video in which a figure calling himself the “fake IPL player” sitting in the shadow and claiming to be a “Testis-a-rati” master has threatened to execute the four ICC-president hopefuls using the ancient Test tortures (bat like Shastri, bowl like Raghuram Bhatt, field like Sandip Patil and umpire like Shakoor Rana) following which he will detonate the M-particles, hidden somewhere in the ICC headquarters.
Modi impresses on the “Langda Don” that this insidious plan needs to be stopped and the ICC’s billions need to be saved. He demands immediate action.
“Langda Don” will have nothing of it. At least not before he takes a strategy break in which he dances, along with Dr. Ganga also drafted into the cause, to “Swarg main milegi mujhe apsara yakeen hai, lekin aapne gaon ki gori bhi to haseen hai, husn ko deedar kiya to kya buda kiya, kisi se jo pyar kiya kya buda kiya. Bolo…maine koi buda kiya”.
The “Langda Don” then reveals his plan. The only way to foil the plot of the “fake IPL player” would be to travel the secret Testis-e-rati route. And the clue as to where the first step in the path can be found would only be obtained by analyzing the transcripts of the commentary given by Arun Lal, a secret Testis-e-rati master who sought to escape ICC censure by hiding secret clues about the organization through his commentary, intentionally made inane (“It is raining. It is wet all around.”) to hide its intrinsic profundity.
A dangerous journey now starts for the Langa Don and Dr. Ganga from the ICC’s top-secret library.
A journey that combines insight, courage and pure genius as Langda Don cracks one code after another and still gets a glimpse at Ganga’s top quarks from time to time (which may be the reason why he sometimes mumbles to himself ” Apun ko massive hadron hain”).
A journey that takes them to the temples of Test cricket— public restroom in Eden Gardens, Shane Warne’s kit bag, the Long room at Lords where clues are obtained from random things like in which direction the flush is aligned in the broken urinal at the High Court end of the Eden Gardens.
A journey in which Langda Don reveals many ancient Test secrets—like why Mohinder Amarnath carried a red hankerchief in his pocket, what Vengsarkar said to Malcolm Marshall for which he never ever forgave him, why Sambaran Banerjee never played Test cricket. Not to be outdone, Dr. Ganga also uncovers many things about Schrodinger’s pussy we never knew of.
A journey where the shadowy “fake IPL player” is always a step ahead of them as corpses drop like catches from the hands of Dilip Doshi with their seared chests branded with logos of IPL corporate partners.
How will it end? Will the M-particles be released creating Kolkata in London (as opposed to London in Kolkata which the Trinamool Congress has promised us)? Will the world be saved by the Langda Don? Will Dr. Ganga’s noodle straps hold up? And most importantly will the Testes-a-rati master be unmasked and the victory of T20 be made complete?
To find out watch “Pariyon Aur Haiwanon”.
Addendum: An appeal to donate for Cyclone Aila Relief.