Hello and welcome to the Cricket Show on Kangaroo TV. Today our hosts are Jingoistic Australian Mainstream Reporter 1 (JAMR1) and Jingoistic Australian Mainstream Reporter 2(JAMR2).
Before we start, a message from our sponsors: Fosters— Australian for Boor.
[30 sec slot of Andrew Symonds drinking Fosters]
Host: Hello and welcome back. Front page news in all the papers today: India have defeated Australia convincingly in their own den. Your reactions?
JAMR1: Okay let’s put this in perspective here. Australia dominated the preliminaries and India just came at the end and took the Cup. The format’s fault really.
Host: Well if we look at India-Australia matches as a bilateral One Day Series, there were 6 matches played out of which one was a wash-out and the remaining 5 India has taken 3 games to 2. So..
JAMR2: I think we are missing the point here. The Indian board has used its money power to destroy the morale of the Australian team. Ricky Ponting and the lads have had so many extra-cricket issues on their minds—bid rates, contracts, tax forms—that they have been unable to focus on the game. It’s disgraceful how the cash-rich Indian board intentionally held their IPL auctions at a time when the series was going on and this totally messed with our player’s minds. I can assure you that if there had been no IPL auction, the Australians would have knocked the Indians over.
JAMR1: Let me interrupt here. I think the travesty that is IPL has been best brought to focus by Justin Langer. While rejecting IPL and expressing his fear of how the greed of IPL will ruin world cricket, he said and I quote:
When you go to your grave, people will remember what you did with your life rather than how much money you made.
And here you find evidence of exactly what Langer said, the pernicious effect of India’s financial clout.
Host: I think it should be fair to add that Langer, despite his well-expressed revulsion for the concept, did sign up for IPL voluntarily and was one of the players for whom no team put up a bid . And so he had to be sold at a reserve price. For those viewers who do not understand what this means, it’s like selling stale milk a dollar cheap.
JAMR1: That’s not really relevant here. However what is relevant is that Ponting’s loss of form can be traced back to an incident that happened in India the last time the Australians were minting money sorry touring there. In a corporate function that Punter was attending, not because he is a paid brand ambassador but because he genuinely wanted to know the local culture, a man caught hold of our captain and kissed him brutally. Had not Ponting showed lightning reflexes and offered his cheek, the man would definitely have planted the kiss on his lips [video link].
Figure 1: Bheege Honth Tere
Poor Ponting has never been the same again—–he sees Ishant Sharma, Praveen Kumar running into bowl and his fractured mind keeps telling him that they are sprinting in to suck the nectar from his lips. No wonder that he cannot stay at the crease for more than five minutes.
Needless to say, the Indian cricket authorities did nothing to this kisser. Just as they did nothing when their crowd shouted abuse and made monkey gestures at our boy toy Roy. And my reports tell me that everytime Ricky comes to bat, the ill-mannered Indians sing “Zeher hain ke pyaar hain tera chumma” to remind him of the incident.
Host: We take a small break to bring a message from our sponsors.
[30 seconds] Ricky Ponting is shown at a press conference. On the screen comes the message: “Australia W(h)ines –A National Pastime”
Host: Welcome back. Talking about player misbehavior, Hayden called Harbhajan an obnoxious weed and challenged Ishant to the ring while making fun of his Indian accent.(Link courtesy: Bongopondit) Comments?
JAMR2: Okay I have a question. Do you know what Jesus Christ called Pontius Pilate? An obnoxious weed. And do you know what he told the Roman soldier who put him on the cross? “See you in the ring” before imitating his Latin accent.
Host: I have never heard this before.
JAMR1: Of course you haven’t. But Jesus must have said that. Because as we all know, whenever Hayden is in trouble he asks “What would Jesus do?” and acts accordingly
When I’m in trouble it’s always something to think about. I ask myself what would Christ be doing in this situation?
And I am sure that faced with a stress situation like Christ encountered on the cross, Hayden reacted exactly how the son of God would have—with an expletive, a threat of violence and more than a dash of racial superiority.
Figure 2: In Happier Times: Symonds and Hayden “Blows” Away the Opposition
Host: Which brings me to Andrew Symonds.
JAMR1: Yes the topic everyone wants to hear about. First off the bat I would like to say that the entire country of Australia is with Symonds. Everytime Harbhajan came out onto the field, thousands of Aussies would rise as one to boo him, show the middle finger and shout expletives. I shouted myself along with them “Come on Aussie come on. We will give em thunder down under”. I should point out that this kind of barracking is very different from the crowd shouts in India, which is reprehensible and something I feel the Aussies may be walking into while playing for IPL, considering that the Indian board turns a blind eye to such abuses. Of course the Australian cricketers are brave, honest folk and I laud them for taking the difficult decision to walk into the ring of abuse that is an Indian stadium.
Coming back to Symonds. What Indians do not realize is that Roy, that is our man Symonds, is a very sensitive and polite individual. It’s true that he verbally abuses the opposition but that’s just the way he plays his cricket—hard and tough. But he himself is extremely touchy. In this article, he mentions how shattered he and his family have been by the fact that anyone would even question the his high standards of swearsmanship. Oh I am sorry I meant sportsmanship.
JAMR2: The poor man. He tells Ishant Sharma “Good ball champ” after getting bowled. And this Indian, with the horrible Simpsons accent, shows him the pavilion. If it was an Indian rather than Symonds, he would have said “Good ball chimp” or even “Good balls chimp” and that would of course be very racial.
Figure 3: Buland Australia ki Ulang Tasveer
JAMR1: No doubt. I am also fairly positive that the naked man who ran out to Symonds and whom he , in a gesture that attests to his gentleness, elbow-charged with such violence that he could have busted his jaw, was actually hired by the money-rich Indian board to distract our champ. If anyone has ever seen this naked man as a backup dancer in any Bollywood item song [ I have been told that white slender men are very popular in India to do the “Oooh Aaah you are my Sonia” moves behind the hero] please SMS any kind of pictures to the number at the bottom of the screen. Once we have this, we can finally show proof of the BCCI’s underhand tactics.
Figure 4: Puppy Love–Clarke claims yet another illegal catch with typically Aussie below-the-belt tactics
Host: And finally. Harbhajan making monkey gestures to the crowd. Now come on guys, don’t you think that the man would have to an imbecile of the highest degree to make monkey gestures to the crowd, in front of all those cameras, after all that has happened. Even our Alan Border has applauded Harbhajan for taking abuse and not reacting. And the photograph of Singh rotating his shoulder, even to the most jingoistic among us, is laughable as proof of a “monkey gesture”
JAMR1:You don’t get the point mate.
David Berkelmans, who was sitting in Bay 29 of the Clive Churchill stand with his 12-year-old son, Callum, was appalled when Harbhajan spat towards the crowd: “I witnessed Harbhajan Singh make monkey gestures and spit in the direction of the crowd … I have lodged a complaint with Cricket Australia through their website,” he said. “My son was disgusted when he spat. He did the monkey gesture halfway to the boundary, before he could have heard what the crowd were saying. For India’s management to deny he did it, it’s just an absolute lie. He has been accused twice of racially abusing Andrew Symonds, and if they are going to lie about this, it calls into question the other denials.”
Rob Younger of Wollongong added: “The crowd got stuck into him … his response was to stick his hand up and scratch his armpit referring to the infamous monkey taunts against Andrew Symonds … in my opinion his relentless acts of racism and sledging after numerous warnings is more than enough to constitute a ban.”
Crowd member Matthew Zywietz said: “There was no doubt that it was a clear monkey gesture.” And Blake Delcanho wrote: “I was at the game and saw Harbhajan do the monkey gestures … Are the Indian team management calling 10,000 of us liars?”
Yes that’s the crux of the matter. Are the Indians calling us Australians– liars? We are Aussies. We don’t need photographic evidence or logical evidence to prove our stories. Remember when Warne and Waugh took all that cash from the bookies. Cricket Australia asked them “Did you underperform?” They said no sir, we just told them the weather and pitch conditions. Case closed. No bans imposed. Why? Cause they are Aussies and people believe them. Even when they say they took money from bookies believing there were no strings attached.
Of course things are different if it’s an Azhar or Jadeja. Then they are murky representatives of third-world corruption and deserve to be banned, no matter what they say.
JAMR2: Indeed. If there is anything that has happened this summer, it’s been that these blasted Indians have refused to stay silent and take us at face value. I mean that Procter dude did do some good initially—he sent out a strong clear message that the word of two white men count more than the words of two brown men. Especially when it comes to racism. Then the blasted Indians used their financial clout to get that decision overturned and the new judge not only exonerated Harbhajan but also said that Symonds provoked him. What a load of bull-crap. How can an Australian provoke someone?
JAM1: And now that that vile, racist “monkey issue” has been brought up I would like to say…
Host: Hold it, we have a caller from India. Yes sir you are on the line…
Caller: I have only one thing to say sir.
In our country, there is a line which I would like to dedicate to Cricket Australia, the Australian media and most certainly Ponting, Hayden and Symonds.
Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander, Jo Hara Wohi Bandar.
Don’t mind. There is nothing racist about it.
Figure 6: No caption needed
[A post on Indian cricket and the ramifications of the victory in Australia shall follow]