Lassie Come Home


I had tweeted this yesterday after Rajnish, a reader, sent me a reference to this Punjab Kesari story which I am sure you shall all agree can definitely be called disturbing.

Titled descriptively as “Nirlajj Ne Nashe Main Luti Kutiya Ki Izzat” this piece informed us of a horrific act of man-beast interaction that cannot be described in English, an act that led to the dog refusing to eat or drink and ending with the police assuring concerned citizens that the said kutiya will not be produced in court.

Continue Reading »

In the Future


Commentator 1: Welcome to the first game of the Kalashnikov cricket World Cup, 2015 brought live by the Lashkar e Toiba, who proudly tell you to “Live and LET die”. We are at the Kasab stadium in Karachi and the atmosphere I have to say is just electric.

Commentator 2: Who would have thought that after the whole world stopped touring Pakistan on the basis of some unfortunate minor incidents involving players from Sri Lanka in 2009 that we would be hosting an event like this—the World Cup? Of course India, Sri Lanka, West Indies, Australia, England, South Africa have declined to come and the ICC has refused to recognize this as a World Cup. Just like the world refuses to recognize what our textbooks tell us—that we defeated the Indian army totally in the 1971 Bangladesh war and that India is responsible for terrorist attacks in Pakistan and that India is a failed state. But really who cares what they say? It is the World Cup if the avaam say so.

Continue Reading »

Caesarian Section


Noida Police Makes Arrests In Murder of Julius Ceasar

By a staff reporter:

Noida police (the world’s foremost investigating agency famous for cracking the Aarushi¬† Talwar murder case in mere hours), who had been called in to solve the sensational murder of Julius Caesar, the Roman emperor, made their first arrest today. In a sensational early morning swoop in front of television cameras, Julius Caesar’s wife Calpurnia Pisonis was taken into custody by the Noida police.

Sardar Stroke Singh, supremo of the Special Task Force, in front of a packed press conference revealed that Calpurnia Pisonis had been having an affair with Ceasar’s trusted lieutenant, Mark Anthony. And that Caesar had been murdered because he had come to know of this scandalous secret. Earlier the police had said that this murder could only have been done by a doctor, a butcher or a wife.

Continue Reading »

The Day of the Nasal


December 13, 2001.

Indian democracy was assaulted by Jihadi cowards.

July 26, 2007.

The Indian way of life itself came under attack, with catastrophe being barely avoided through some judicious phone-tapping.

Himesh Reshammiya, the Voice of the Nation and the Janooo of the masses narrowly survived an assassination attempt by Ejaz Lakdawala’s gang, thus proving again, the age-old adage: “If God loves you, no-one can kill you or make your movie, no matter how crappy it is, a flop”.

Continue Reading »

The Idiot's Got a Gun


What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.

 As Good As It Gets

As I laboured through Cho Seung-Hui’s final video testament of how all those rich kids with their trust funds and Mercedeses and their debauchery had brought this divine retribution on themselves and how he like Jesus Christ was going to inspire generations of the weak and defenceless, I felt revulsion and pity for that asshole in equal measure.

Continue Reading »

Trivial Matters


17 bodies of children and women recovered from one house. The owner and the servant confess to rape and murder. And how does the UP government react?

Times of India reports:

Uttar Pradesh Public Works Department Minister Shivpal Singh Yadav on Thursday raised eyebrows by describing the grisly murders of children in Noida as “small and routine incidents”.

“Such small incidents keep happening,” Shivpal said.

Yes indeed. Such small incidents keep happening. Especially to migrant workers from other states, too poor to bribe the police , too disenfranchised to have a political voice and too unlucky not to be from Mulayam (and his brother Shivpal Singh)’s caste.

Continue Reading »