Published March 4th, 2009
in Cricket, Crime and Silly.
Commentator 1: Welcome to the first game of the Kalashnikov cricket World Cup, 2015 brought live by the Lashkar e Toiba, who proudly tell you to “Live and LET die”. We are at the Kasab stadium in Karachi and the atmosphere I have to say is just electric.
Commentator 2: Who would have thought that after the whole world stopped touring Pakistan on the basis of some unfortunate minor incidents involving players from Sri Lanka in 2009 that we would be hosting an event like this—the World Cup? Of course India, Sri Lanka, West Indies, Australia, England, South Africa have declined to come and the ICC has refused to recognize this as a World Cup. Just like the world refuses to recognize what our textbooks tell us—that we defeated the Indian army totally in the 1971 Bangladesh war and that India is responsible for terrorist attacks in Pakistan and that India is a failed state. But really who cares what they say? It is the World Cup if the avaam say so.
Continue reading ‘In the Future’
Published January 7th, 2009
in Crime and Economics.
The corporate malfeasance confessed to at Satyam has shocked the nation with words like “financial 26/11″ and “India’s Enron” being used to describe this catastrophe for India Inc. Satyam has been subject to ritual humiliations like having their corporate ethics award withdrawn and being taken off stock indices. The economic pundits are baying for blood. On the board floor.
Continue reading ‘Satyam-eva Jayate’
Published May 26th, 2008
in Crime.
Noida Police Makes Arrests In Murder of Julius Ceasar
By a staff reporter:
Noida police (the world’s foremost investigating agency famous for cracking the Aarushi Talwar murder case in mere hours), who had been called in to solve the sensational murder of Julius Caesar, the Roman emperor, made their first arrest today. In a sensational early morning swoop in front of television cameras, Julius Caesar’s wife Calpurnia Pisonis was taken into custody by the Noida police.
Sardar Stroke Singh, supremo of the Special Task Force, in front of a packed press conference revealed that Calpurnia Pisonis had been having an affair with Ceasar’s trusted lieutenant, Mark Anthony. And that Caesar had been murdered because he had come to know of this scandalous secret. Earlier the police had said that this murder could only have been done by a doctor, a butcher or a wife.
Continue reading ‘Caesarian Section’
Published July 27th, 2007
in Crime.
December 13, 2001.
Indian democracy was assaulted by Jihadi cowards.
July 26, 2007.
The Indian way of life itself came under attack, with catastrophe being barely avoided through some judicious phone-tapping.
Himesh Reshammiya, the Voice of the Nation and the Janooo of the masses narrowly survived an assassination attempt by Ejaz Lakdawala’s gang, thus proving again, the age-old adage: “If God loves you, no-one can kill you or make your movie, no matter how crappy it is, a flop”.
Continue reading ‘The Day of the Nasal’
Published April 20th, 2007
in Crime.
What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.
As Good As It Gets
As I laboured through Cho Seung-Hui’s final video testament of how all those rich kids with their trust funds and Mercedeses and their debauchery had brought this divine retribution on themselves and how he like Jesus Christ was going to inspire generations of the weak and defenceless, I felt revulsion and pity for that asshole in equal measure.
Continue reading ‘The Idiot’s Got a Gun’
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